Deep enough

I wonder who I truly am.

I miss the old me but hate her.

I hate the new me too.

I don’t understand myself and how I can be so many different people at once.

Did I ever know who I truly was?

I never was taught how to speak about how I feel.

I hold everything in until I break.

Until I can’t take it anymore, and explode.

When I explode I hurt the people I care about most, I never mean to.

I just do.

I hurt people.

It’s how I was raised.

It’s woven into me.

I can’t ever escape it.

I can never escape him.

I’ve always had a fear, a hatred.

I will never turn out like him, I will be better, go beyond expected.

But the harder I try, the more I see him when I look in the mirror.

The more I tend to hate myself, and the genes to which created me.

I try to cut the seeds of him out but never cut deep enough.

Always too scared, to put the knife where I know will tear him from me forever.