2 Letters To Myself

7/23/25

A goodbye letter to my addiction

I’m not sure how I feel about you. When I was younger, I thought you were sent to save me from a traumatic childhood. Your presence allowed me to separate myself from the physical and mental pain. I remember our first introduction as if it were yesterday, and I moved along with my father’s help. Every night, I would watch you pour his drinks, slowly building the monster I would learn to hate. I could see the negative impacts you had on our lives. Still, I noticed the freedom he got from you. Freedom to speak his mind and tear me down with cruel honesty. So, I began saving little bits of poison every night. It took almost 6 weeks for me to collect enough Jack Daniels from his double shots to fill a water bottle. At the naive age of 13, I didn’t know how much I would need. When it was finally time, I picked the perfect location. I climbed into the old treehouse I loved so much as a child and finished my entire stash. Even then, I knew you were right behind me. I thought I could hide you from everyone. I wanted you to be a secret so I wouldn’t have to say goodbye. I know you were hurting me, but I couldn’t l let go of our co-dependency. When you finally grew so big that you mutated into hard drugs, I still couldn’t write this letter. I would make false promises to keep you around for a little longer.

After my back surgery, I made a promise to avoid you so I could stay safe. Unaware that my subconscious couldn’t wait to move on to something more hardcore. I told others and myself that I could control you. Convinced that your presence made me a happier person, while you continued to ruin my life behind my back. When I finally noticed everything, you had stolen from my life, I still wasn’t convinced. Like any other toxic relationship, I became obsessed with you. You became my personality. You still designed the beginning of my exit. I thought you left, and it was safe to downsize into my original sin. No matter how many times you had me send late-night texts to certain ex-boyfriends or destroy my position in the local community, I still wanted you near me. That’s over now. I see who you really are. A thief who stole everything of importance. My money, my loved ones, my freedom. This is the last time I will ever have to fight you alone. I found a new community and a vast education on how to eliminate you from my life. I know you still stalk me, waiting for the right time to sweep in and come “save me”. Sorry, it won’t work this time. It doesn’t matter what you say to me or how you try to change my memories. I refuse to be in your presence anymore. I have suffered without you; I was alone, and yet I am still alive. I would rather be alone than let you control my life. This is my final goodbye.

A letter to whom I am becoming

Smile, Whitney! You are allowed to be proud this time. This is a process; it’s impossible to receive an A+ in this type of recovery. Everything you have already done is an amazing feat. It has destroyed many a strong man. Yet, you are still here. I know you struggle with accepting compliments or admitting to your stronger qualities. Your past mistakes do not cancel your current state. You were struggling for a very long time, and it’s impossible to cure it all in one day, but you can learn to live with it. Don’t forget or fail to give credit to your strong will. It’s what kept you alive to this very day. I know the days can get boring, and you generally don’t react well to ultimatums, but there will always be a good answer for that. Everything is temporary. You are not the same person who began this journey, and you will continue to evolve from the person you are today. When you get depressed, you might wish for happiness or some relief from the constant pain. The pain is not constant; it comes in waves and eventually fades. It takes strength to accept your current fate. A weakness is running away. There will be days when you tire of being so strong. You will beg the universe to just give you a break. So, once again, don’t forget “you are strong enough to survive this.” Then, when you continue to survive over a long period of time, eventually you will start to thrive. This world doesn’t owe you anything. You came into this world brand new, and the consequences of your actions cannot be taken away by some foreign entity or positive energy. The good news: you are healthy, and you are finally free.