Why To Buy Cars New

Buying a new car saves the economy in the long run?

Why To Buy Cars New

Ok. Here we go (cue the Mario star theme from Mario Kart 64 as this case for my system is indeed invincible and impervious to criticism).

I once had a Pakistani boss rip me off on a car deal as an employee by charging me out the wazoo to lease a Ford Focus from him about 5 years ago minus 2 months. But for some reason I went back to the same dealership 2 years ago to buy yet another Ford at full price and visited them today for a full engine check to do whatever they said to do with my car.

I was deeply surprised when the whole time the service rep's face was genuinely concerned that I was going to get angry with him for trying to save me money. I study body language as I am a sales person myself who can tell most of what total strangers are thinking if we cross paths in the mall, which is an important thing I'll drop in another article about how malls run regarding custom hats sales and the bro code.

The guy was truly trying to help me out. He was able to help me determine that GreaseMonkey sales reps had ripped me off and tried to get more from me because he showed me my air filter just like they had.

Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah! Clark, this is an article about economic perpetual motion machines created from buying a new car instead of old ones. What the hell, man? Why all the backstory?

Can it, buster. This is how I talk and think.

But he showed me a totally different shape of air filter and was totally confused as to why they had told me that the air filter for my car was a different shape, size, tech level, dirt level or needing to be replaced at such an early time. He said that he was going to refuse to replace my filter just yet because this one still had life in it.

The important part here is to mention the concern on his face again for a second. I can tell a genuine guy from a shady sales rep in a heartbeat because I studied lie spotting from FBI trained people online and watched a bunch of TED talks only to expose con men outside of Walmart selling candy for a phony youth basketball league which they changed the name of the next day when I returned to report their shit to the oblivious managers who still couldn't figure out how they got bamboozled without ever checking for a real company as I investigated how to become one of those types of people to earn money through socially acceptable begging known as "fundraising at Walmart" only to find out that I could easily figure out in 20 seconds how to tell them I wanted to sit outside, that I wasn't a fully developed company yet and that I needed to raise some cash to get me rolling to afford the licensing fees for the company.

Yes, this is how I think. One take for the article. Whew. We are getting closer to being done so I can let my medical GHB kick in so I can sleep for the night as I am narcoleptic and don't sleep without drugs.

The guy's look (at the dealership, Larry H. Miller Ford Lincoln Provo in Utah) was so confused that they would charge $54 for an oil change and then try to con me into replacing an air filter that I knew we were good to go there.

I don't even know what the filter is supposed to look like, but body language is a science I base my life off of and have a lady friend in mind who I think loves me to death but was duped by her friends into believing I'm a narcissist despite my offer for a first date was to write letters to people we both knew to secretly drop off together with cookies to brighten hundreds of people's days through the years.

And guess what?

The story continues, but my friends, this article doesn't have a conclusion, but a cliff hanger that I am involved in as well.

Does the pretty lady fall for the car sales guy known as yours truly, or do the volleyball queens of the church young adult groups get to think I'm too scary because I am serious when I serve and can hit the ball pretty damn hard and accurately for a light amateur who doesn't exercise those muscles much?

What did I learn from the car guy?

Well, here is the reason this whole deal works: the secret to societal perpetual motion machines is the constant need for a cliff hanger. Star Wars has entered the field.

Luke grabbing the light saber led to the best moment I had in Star Wars when he threw it over his shoulder into the water. What did y'all expect? For him to become force awakened Luke and embrace Rey as his long awaited student that he was a hiding from in a petty ensconced bunker in Ireland which George Lucas and JJ Abrams knew would bet even more swarmed with people as a travel ad there?

Everything here is important to know, but remember, big boobs are God's gift to man for some lighthearted humor/sensuality that gives us hope for survival as a species in every way, shape and fucking form.

Stay tuned. More to come (yikes, innuendo).

fact or fiction
Read next: 'Stop! We're Going to Crash'
Clark Howard Lindsey

I have created a social engineering perpetual motion machine that employs economics, philosophy, physics, therapy, sales and humor to invent the funniest lawsuit that will ever take place as you will learn through my stories.

See all posts by Clark Howard Lindsey