"Mario Andretti on the MOMO"

This piece is essentially the third in an installment of open letters to my future and current children. Seeing as I've grown quite partial to lists, and I have a bit of experience behind the wheel, more or less, I figured why not attempt to share some of it with the world and whatnot.

So, cutting straight to the chase (pardon the pun) and in no particular order:

1.) Always remember to mind your speed and never jerk the wheel in an attempt to correct your steering. Either you will be smooth or you'll be sorry. "Periodt."

2.) Never forget that cars need gas and/or charge. As much as we may wish that they ran on hopes and dreams...

3.) Refrain from looking at cars for purchase without a seasoned mechanic present and refuse to consider buying a car that doesn't start up.

4.) Speaking of which, learn the basics of Preventive Maintenance Checks and Servicing (PMCSing), if feasible at all. Ya don't wanna be the one calling your mechanic to check your oil and/or change a brake light for you.

5.) While we're on the subject, don't be the unlucky "son of a gun" who wrecks due to bad brakes, with a note in the glove box saying, "Get brakes fixed."

6.) Never flood the engine with oil. You'll destroy your vehicle if ya do.

7.) Now, this may or may not sound like common sense; tho, ya don't want to find out there's a cop behind you after he figures out that you're going 30+ miles over the speed limit. "You're gonna have a bad time..."

8.) In a similar vein, avoid unsafe lane changing on the interstate; especially with people you care about in the vehicle with ya.

9.) Don't read and drive, unless we're talking audiobooks.

10.) No texting and driving. "Periodt."

11.) If you do get pulled over, have your license, registration, and proof of insurance handy with very little fumbling around. You do NOT want the officer to fear for his or her life.

12.) Never drink and drive. "Periodt!"

13.) Keep your Situational Awareness up at all times.

14.) Don't let cars pass you on the right; or, if you prefer, stay out of the passing lane unless you're actually passing.

15.) Never drive when high on pot. CBD might could be acceptable if it's not a nighttime strain. Either way, you can feasibly be pulled over and have an unnecessary, as well as dangerous, encounter with Johnny Law.

16.) Per your Grandad: Avoid the sharp corners of the big metal plates in construction zones unless you like flat tires which are no fun.

17.) Also, per Grandad: Never bottom out your steering wheel; and if you must, then release the pressure a bit immediately afterwards so as not to ruin your power steering.

18.) I almost hydroplaned very recently, and on an extremely perilous stretch of road, despite training years ago on how to avoid that mishap. In short, do NOT touch the brakes or attempt to steer opposite the way that you're sliding on the water.

19.) Never buy a car without test driving it first.

20.) Never ignore landmarks in unfamiliar territory.

21.) Never leave your car running in the garage. That's how one of your great-grandads went on to be with The Man Upstairs.

22.) No freeloaders. If they don't have gas money, they're not family, and/or not buying you food, they can't ride.

23.) Avoid backing into anything/anyone at all costs more or less. Matter of fact, the military teaches us to always pull thru or back into parking spaces when driving their vehicles.

24.) Never put novices into expert driver situations if/when avoidable.

25.) Always give spare change to vagrants.

26.) Do not ignore people's hands if/when pumping gas. A knife can appear out of nowhere (heaven forbid).

27.) Last one for now: Do NOT allow anyone to follow you against your will. Piggybacking on that- You may or may not wanna keep a Glock handy because some of them "identify as rape whistles".

***

I often wonder if conventional cars will not become completely obsolete by the time y'all are "whipping". Utopian and dystopian feasibilities notwithstanding, one of my fav cousins once told me that it takes less than five seconds with your eyes off the road to have a very bad day. Peace, love, and traveling mercies for y'all and all y'all's loved ones.