I’m Not Old I’m Classic

I’m sure the younger readers among us will look at this title and immediately think, “Oh boy, here we go again with the when I was your age speech,” and to some extent I suppose you’d be right. The difference is, simply look at the cars in this picture and compare them with what you see on the road today. Cars in the late fifties through the early eighties had what today’s rides are desperately lacking—character.

In today’s world it can be a definite challenge locating your car in a crowded parking lot. As you weave your way between rows of look-a-like cars, you’re forced to press the key fob button instructing your ride’s horn to beep out its location. Your only other option is to wander aimlessly through the parking lot staring at hundreds of blandly styled, pale white, medium gray, or black Toyota and Nissan SUV’s.

Back when I was in my twenties and thirties, there I said it, cars were designed with character as well as functionality. For those of us that wanted a vehicle with spine stiffening acceleration, there were the muscle cars. Although foreign car manufacturers like Porsche, Jaguar, Alfa Romeo, Toyota, Datsun (Nissan), and several others created cars that competed and actually surpassed their American competitors in the handling category, none of them could touch the U.S. muscle cars for acceleration and horsepower.

Cars like the Plymouth Barracuda, and its cousin the Road Runner, similar to the one in the picture, with its 350+ horsepower engine and a horn that beep-beeped like the bird in the cartoon, the Pontiac GTO, the Buick Grand AM, Dodge’s Charger and Challenger, the Ford Mustang of Bullet fame, and last but not least the Chevy Camaro. Every one of these powerhouses commanded respect while cruising the highways. In case you missed it, there was no mention of an SUV, Minibus, 4 door Sedan, or Station Wagon.

People back then had a flare for what they drove. It was as much of a status symbol as it was a means to get you back and forth to work or the grocery store. Cars were an integral part of movies, taking a leading role in the horror film Christine, and the heist movie, Gone in 60 Seconds. The Pontiac Firebird Trans Am got a lot of exposure on the big screen in Smokey and the Bandit, and on TV as KITT in Knight Rider. Let’s not forget the most iconic movie car of them all, the Aston Martin DB5 with the retractable rear bulletproof shield and machine guns hidden behind the headlights. James Bond would have been lost without this ride in several movies. Can you imagine any of these movies or TV shows being made with let’s say a Chevy Trax or Ford Bronco? No, neither can I.

So, with all the popularity these muscle cars garnered, what happened? The answer isn’t that complicated, old age and corporate economics. We boomers were the driving force behind the muscle car rage. Unfortunately, as we got older it became more difficult to squeeze these old joints into the cockpit style interiors muscle cars sported. We had families and needed more room for people and things. We were forced into practicality. Car manufacturers read the trends and shifted to the beasts we have today. They’re bigger, can fit more stuff, and are boring as hell.

I feel bad for the generations following mine. When I go to a car show today I’ll be able to not only see the great rides of the past, but I’ll remember all the fun I had driving some of them. All the next generations will be able to relate to will be Chevy Blazers and Jeep Wranglers.