Round Trip

DAY 1

4:25 PM – I am eating the second half of a poorly assembled Turkey Bacon Wrap I purchased at Walmart earlier that day in the back of Cody’s car on the way to the airport, contemplating chronologically capturing the events of my trip… I let the idea go…

UNTIL…

5:15 PM – Alberto and I arrive at Terminal B, and spend about 5 minutes wondering why the American Airlines computer can’t find our United Airlines flight. We are off to a great start.

5:25 PM – I think about purchasing a Finding Nemo neck pillow for the better part of a minute (and will later wish I had gone through with the transaction).

6:00 PM – We finally find “Sala Bebida Botana” AKA: The only bar in the Airport terminal. We ask for menu’s, which immediately pins us as either morons who don’t know what they want, or cheap asses who want to know how badly they’re going to be screwed while lubing up all the same… Truth be told, it was a little of both.

6:08 PM – Our drinks arrive.

6:10 PM – The man sitting behind Alberto in the nice suit sipping wine with a much younger woman picks his nose as if I wasn’t staring directly at him picking his nose.

6:11 – 6:17 PM – We both battle getting kicked off of the FREE WiFi (that we both concluded probably steals access to all your personal information and photos) repeatedly while we come up with theories of these other strange interlopers surrounding us at the bar…

Alberto gets a cellular interpersonal communication device message alert that notifies us our flight departure time has been delayed from 7:18 PM to 7:50 PM.

6:19 PM – I realize that neither of us has touched the third round of drinks we purchased (nor the second for that matter) as we both highly underestimated the strength of the highly overpriced airport hangar bar beverages.

6:45 PM – Rounds two and three are now coursing through our veins and we get lost in various dialogue concerning relationships and aging, until we realize how much time has escaped us.

7:00 PM – We get up from the bar to scan in and wait by the loading dock, or loading gate, or sky hole, or whatever it’s called, and charge our i-telephones.

7:15 PM – we realize after waiting 15 minutes that the line we are standing in is for premiere fliers only, so we got back and sit down to wait with the rest of the ‘garbage’.

7:33 PM – I begin to think my Steve Jobs communicator charger is broken, as it’s still at zero and has been charging for over 15 minutes. We are still waiting to board the plane and the infinite loop of awful pop music over the ever-present and quite too-loud-for-comfort airport radio station beings to sound like that of a soft opening to Hell.

7:43 PM – The plane is in sight.

8:09 PM – Captain “Hurt” comes on the intercom, at first I thought he said “Kirk”, which was slightly humorous to me, but then again, “Hurt” isn’t a great name, especially if you’re in the medical field. “Kirk” would be a good one, when it comes to flying a spacecraft, or a United Embraer 175 Commercial Airplane. We are stuck with “Hurt”. Fine. We are now seated and I am upset that there is no more “Skymall Magazine” and my window seat buddy Alberto is upset that he is sat in-between actual windows.

8:23 PM – I decided I was keeping my barf bag as a souvenir.

8:29 PM – I start to feel small as I put down my “Mumbai” issue of Hemisphere Magazine to look out the window at city lights and cars disappearing and morphing into patches of grass and grids and roads and squares and rectangles of green and brown and… I start to feel sleepy…

8:34 PM – We are now above the clouds, looking down on heaven, defying God in a metal bird filled with sniffling mouth-breathers and two semi-drunk bozo’s who aren’t sure if they’re going to catch their next flight due to crying clouds.

8:38 PM – We hit some slight turbulence, something I’ve never experienced in my whopping one-other-round-trip-flight; it (surprisingly) wasn’t as scary as I had imagined. It was no “Almost Famous” confession scene; no one screamed out that they were gay, or fought about who was more popular, or sang any of Elton John’s greatest hits… but with all the jerking back and forth and bracing myself, I felt like I got in a pretty good ab work-out.

8:43 PM – I realize that I can see the reflection of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon show in one of the windows ahead of me, so I watch the distortion, as it keeps me from realizing I might have a headache. Alberto is engulfed in his music, only the faint sound of electronic drum beats resonate with me, but it’s the only soundtrack to the Ninja Turtles I have, so I make do.

9:05 PM – Nine ear pops, seven intercom interruptions, and three trails through turbulence, we begin the landing process.

WE DISCOVER OUR TERMINAL HAS CHANGED AND SPEND THE NEXT MINUTES (THAT FELT LIKE HOURS) RUNNING TO THE NEW DESTINATION…

9:22 PM - we arrive, panting, in a line at terminal 32 (the new terminal 45) and prepare, with a rush of relief, yet still guardedly optimistic, to board our flight…

THEY STOP US AT THE FRONT OF THE CUT-OFF LINE TO SAY THEY DON’T THINK THERE IS ANY MORE ROOM ON THE FLIGHT FOR CARRY-ON LUGGAGE AND THAT WE WILL MOST LIKELY HAVE TO CHECK OUR BAGS AND HAVE THEM MEET US AT OUR DESTINATION. I CONVINCE HER THERE IS PROBABLY ROOM FOR OUR MERE TWO BAGS, AND SHE BUYS IT.

9:45 PM - the in flight safety video in-bedded in the back of the jerk-offs seat in front of you starts to play, which makes me more uneasy than last time, when a real person was issuing the news of how to prepare for imminent death. Two things I don’t trust fusing together in a beautiful cocktail of deceit: technology and actors.

We are well on our way…

9:55 PM - Alberto is trying desperately for the card reader on the back of the seat of passenger 21 F to work so he can watch the Clippers v Rockets game without United Airlines ads popping up in the left hand bottom corner of the screen. Not the best purchase I’ve seen someone make for $7.99, but far from the worst. I see that passenger 21 F is watching Seinfeld and now I’m wondering why I settled with switching back and forth between channels 604 and 605 (horse racing and some strange show called “Hog Dawgs” that could have possibly made me chuckle had I not stored away my headphones with my luggage in a faraway overhead compartment).

I slowly start making my search for Seinfeld, when the screen goes blank. Now the only option is to pay for TV or continue to watch united airlines ads.

This is fucked.

10:33 PM - My elbow slips from the armrest which jolts me awake. I had been dozing off.

10:50 PM -I stand up to go the bathroom, just as the “fasten your seatbelts” announcement comes on. I turn back around to head back, but now the drink cart is blocking my path. It’s too late. And i would really rather not piss myself. So I make my way to the bathroom, grabbing onto every other headrest, waking by passengers in a mid-air REM cycle. It’s not so bad really, pissing free-handed while bow-legged with your thighs pressed firmly against each wall for support and both hands forward, one against the wall in front of you and one holding the toilet seat up so it doesn’t slam closed during turbulence and ricochet piss onto your lovely travel ensemble.

10:55 PM -Time for drinks.

11:09 PM -I spend the rest of the flight sharing an ear bud with Alberto, watching the basketball game he paid 7.99 for, still not the best purchase, but still not the worst. Turns out to be quite the compelling game, and this is coming from someone who doesn’t often partake in the proverbial ‘sports’. I point out the window during a commercial making a concerned expression, he looks out the window, then looks back: my middle finger is right in his face -we’re having fun.

11:50 PM – I stop imaging myself as being on a plane, but instead a trolley or a bus, and every time we hit turbulence I think “what’s the driver doing up there!? He’d better not be texting!”

12:30 PM – (note missing)

1:32 PM – We officially land in Portland, Oregon. The time is 11:32.

DAYS 2-5 MISSING

DAY 6

2:34 PM - we arrive at the airport with plenty of time to go through security, check out the shops, grab a sandwich or maybe even a beer to gleefully reflect upon our marvelous journey through a strange (and humidity-free land)…

We decide to go through security first so we can relax by our gate and then see what our food and beverage options are…

3:07 PM - done with our screenings. Waiting for James to finishing begrudgingly shove the rest of his clothes back into his bags

WE WERE CHOSEN “RANDOMLY” FOR ADDITIONAL SECURITY SCREENING (I BLAME ALBERTO FOR BEING A CERTAIN SHADE OF “OFF-WHITE”). I ACTUALLY HAD A DECENT CONVERSATION WITH MY BAG-RAPIST; HE GRADUATED COLLEGE IN 1991, WAS A SUPER HUGE FAN OF PUNK MUSIC (HIS FAVORITE BAND BEING HUSKER DU, THOUGH HE DID NOT CARE MUCH FOR BLACK FLAG), AND HE RECOMMENDED I VISIT SEATTLE THE NEXT TIME I WAS IN THE AREA, ASSURING ME THE NIRVANA MUSEUM WAS A MUST-SEE ATTRACTION. HE IS MORE OF A BEER GUY THAN A LIQUOR GUY, AND HE SUGGESTED GRABBING A BEER AT THE ROGUE BREWERY CONVENIENTLY LOCATED DOWN THE TERMINAL FROM US, TO WHICH I REPLIED “WELL, IF YOU WOULDN’T HAVE STOPPED US, WE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE HAD TIME”. HE LAUGHED. WE HAD A GOOD TIME. I WARN HIM THAT HE IS ABOUT TO GO THROUGH MY DIRTY CLOTHES BAG AND HE TELLS ME “THAT’S WHY I GET THE BIG BUCKS”. THE TSA DOES HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR AFTERALL…

3:36 PM - the plane is cruising down the runway, picking up speed, preparing for flight…

3:44 PM - Alberto puts in his headphones and begins listening to what I assume is Drake, and I realize that, for the second time, I forgot my headphones in my carry-on bag, which is now inaccessible.

3:50 PM - my ears finally pop and the plane levels out a second time, my stomach begs for food. It’s now howling at me, as we didn’t end up having time to eat after all the additional screenings and punk-band history.

4:24 PM - the caption calls for seatbelts and my eyes pop open. The stewardess comes by to ask if I would like a drink. I get a water. She shakenly hands it to me and I look outside. Nothing but bright white light. So much so that it hurts to look out the window.

4:28 PM - my stomach still silently screams for sustenance and I have a slight headache as the mild turbulence continues; for a minute there I had forgotten how boring airplanes were, especially when you’re staring at the back of the seat in front of you filled with the exact same magazine you skimmed through on the arrival flight.

4:32 PM - the pilot calls for all flight attendants to be seated and we hit some slightly more moderate turbulence- though very brief- that makes my stomach and head less than happy campers.

4:36 PM - I first notice the back of James’ head, about 10 rows up. He is listening to headphones (beats by Dre?) and has his head down. He is either listening to music while reading (cause for a headache if you ask me), or perhaps is resting his eyes. I wonder if he’s still mad about security.

4:41 PM -Hoobastank’s “crawling in the dark” is stuck in my head for some ungodly reason, on an infinite 'chorus-loop’

I decide to try to sleep it away.

5:37 PM - pilot says we will be landing in 20-25 minutes.

6:00 PM - we land in Denver. It's 7:00 here. We have officially made it back to the future.

7:21 PM - we are still on the plane, and boarding for our next flight started 4 minutes ago and ends in 15 more…

GREAT.

We have to run to make our next flight and we still don’t have time to stop for food…

7:39 PM - we arrive, out of breath at the gate, ONCE AGAIN, and are the last three they let on the plane before closing. How kind of them to extend the boarding time a whole 5 minutes after getting us off the last plane 15 minutes late. #FlyUnited

No explanation was given as to the delay on the prior flight, instead she gave us some wonderful advice: how about giving yourself some time between flights? Thanks for the rhetorical question lady. Solid advice. Everyone on the plane scoffs. I offer my own advice: how about never flying united again? I like that better…

7:44 PM PM - came back from the bathroom, where is no running water to wash your hands, FYI, and James had managed to grab a wrap in the 3 minutes we had left before take-off so that I wouldn’t starve to death and die on this plane.

8:01 PM - we are in the air and I no longer give a shit about life.

I look around and notice the plane is half empty. Probably because most of the other passengers-to-be had either missed the flight or killed themselves.

8:12 PM - got excited when I saw the “bistro on board” menu items and then immediately pissed off when I realized our flight met none of the requirements to have these hot food items, which means my options are back down to pretzels or peanuts.

8:26 PM - I purchase the pretzels.

A minute later the drink cart comes around and I ask for Mr & Mrs T’s Bloody Mary mix, because I looked over the menu thoroughly and I understand that this and Mott’s tomato juice are my only options if I wish to have a tomato drink. Instead, after confirming I want the Bloody Mary mix “just by itself?” Like I’m the weirdo here, I get a V8. Woe is me.

8:50 PM - I get lost talking to Alberto about “looper” and the terminator movies and other movies about time travel when it hits me… We are crossing a time zone. Literally traveling time to the tune of talking about time travel. Which I guess isn’t that weird since everyone in time travel movies also talks about time travel. But sometimes it’s just a plot device to confuse you so you don’t notice the holes in the time travel elements of the movies. My head starts to hurt again.

*GUEST ENTRY*

8:57 PM - Berto takes the phone to add this entry about how he just farted.

*END OF GUEST ENTRY*

9:06 PM - Berto offers me one of his ear phones, I accept, once again assuming I’ll be getting an earful of Drake, but instead get a book on tape of Fire & Ice or another book from the Game of Thrones saga. I have severely underestimated Alberto.

9:18 PM - I want to be an audiobook voice actor.

I HAVE FOUND A NEW CALLING…

9:25 PM - the ear phones come out as the pilot announces we are going to be landing back in San Antonio soon.

The idea of being back in my own bed again is most pleasant.

9:38 PM - getting closer to the ground and my ears are finally popping, providing great relief.

9:41 PM - Alberto spots a Walmart from the plane. We are home.

9:43 PM - we park and I take my phone off airplane mode. It jumps to 10:43. Time travel again is a huge success!

9:45 PM - I think about “The Langaleers” and “The Night Flier” and even the “Final Destination” movie, however, none are quite as bad as the old man sitting next to me who just coughed in my face.

Home sweet home.