Parasocial

I looked out at the water in Liverpool feeling a bit uncertain. I’m not sure why, but I was generally uncomfortable despite starting a vacation I had been looking forward to for months. I decided to take in the warm, summer air on this beautiful night while the ferry left the dock on its 10 hour journey to the Isle of Man. Looking around the ferry as it departed, there wasn’t another person in sight. I found a nice spot and happened to see a barn owl, of all things, perched next to me. We briefly made eye contact. He ruffled his feathers. “Tu-whoo, tu-whoo,” he said, a little judgingly if you ask me.

“To who indeed?” I wondered to myself. I looked at the owl. “Let me get back to you on that. Why the Isle of Man, you ask? This vacation has been on my bucket list for many reasons. The island has beautiful farmland and historic buildings. There is the impressive bird observatory, which I am sure you are familiar with. The beaches are breathtaking. It’s also where my favorite movie star, Levi Brennan, grew up and it just so happens that this week he is hosting a marathon to raise money for the bird observatory. And guess who signed up to run?” My thumbs pointed toward me, all smiles.

The owl was not impressed.

“And why, might I ask, are you, an owl, on a ferry? Why don’t you fly to the Isle of Man like a normal bird?” I scoffed and then immediately regretted the words that came out of my mouth. “Apologies, sir, that was rude. May I call you Cornelius? You look like a Cornelius to me.”

“Tu-whoo, tu-whoo,” Cornelius declared. I accepted that as permission granted. Cornelius and I kept each other company for a couple of hours before I started yawning and decided to get some sleep in my cabin. “Take care, Cornelius. Maybe we’ll see each other on the island.”

The next morning I woke up refreshed and excited to see where the day took me. I had found a place on the island right next to the ocean where I would have an entire cottage to myself. It was owned by a couple who lived in a mansion on the grounds. I was given instructions to ring the doorbell of the mansion and the housekeeper would provide the key to the cottage.

As I approached the door I looked around at the delicate pink and white flowers that surrounded the property. The immaculate hedges bordered a large circular driveway with a water fountain in the middle of the roundabout.

I rang the doorbell and the housekeeper answered the door with a smile. “You must be Rosalyn!” she beamed. “We hope you’ll enjoy your stay. Here’s the key, and if you need anything at all don’t hesitate to ask!” The key was attached to a small card. “The master of the house is throwing a small party this evening in celebration of the marathon and asked me to invite you. It will start roughly around sunset.”

“That sounds lovely,” I nodded. I took the key and invitation and carried my small suitcase around to the side of the mansion to the cottage and a breathtaking ocean view. I tried to savor the moment, tamping down my nerves. I had the whole day ahead of me, so I unpacked and went for a walk on the beach. The salty air tickled my nose and I could hear seagulls off in the distance. As I walked, I saw a small cafe in the distance and decided to grab a bite.

A younger man greeted me as I walked in. “Good afternoon, Miss. Please sit anywhere you like.”

“Thank you.” I looked around and found a nice, sunny spot next to a window.

The man eyed me with faux suspicion. “Not from around here, are ya? You here for the marathon?”

“Yes,” I smiled. “I’m visiting from London.”

He leaned back slightly in disbelief. “Y’sure don’t sound like a Londoner.” He shrugged, “But yer money all spends the same. What’ll it be?”

I looked at the menu in defeat, shrugging. “What would you recommend?”

“Ah, that would be our special,” his face beamed. “The midi breakfast: One egg, two bacon, one sausage, some hash, beans, toast, and a cup of tea. Coming right up!”

I looked around the cafe. It was quaint with a fantastic view of the ocean. I was staring out at the sea when the man brought out my tea, and the combination made me feel at home despite having never been here before. As I was soaking in the moment, a woman entered the cafe. The man turned toward her way and perked up.

“Alana! Is that you?”

She looked at him in pleasant surprise. “George!” He walked to her and they hugged like long-lost friends.

“Oh, George, it’s been years! I just moved back to town - got a new job, new house, everything.”

His smile beamed wider than when he had greeted me. “Well, congratulations! That halfwit ex-husband of yours really cocked it up, didn’t he? I was sorry to hear the news, but oh, so happy to see you.” George hugged her even tighter. “Alana, please sit - stay a while! We have an American visitor in our midst.” He tilted his head toward me.

I smiled and waved at her. “Nice to meet you. I’m Rosalyn.”

The woman approached and gently took my hand. “I’m Alana. Lovely to meet you, Rosalyn.”

“Would you like to join me?” I offered.

She shrugged, “Why not?” and sat across from me. “Are you here for the marathon?”

“Yes, I am. I’ve wanted to visit the Isle of Man for a while, so this seemed like a good excuse.”

She laughed. “I don’t know if a footrace is a good excuse for coming here, but we’re glad to have you spending your money here!”

I smiled. “Are you originally from here?”

“Born and raised,” she said proudly. “I moved to London when I was 18 and never thought I’d be back.”

Something told me to take a chance. “...you don’t happen to know Levi Brennan, do you?”

“Levi? That numpty,” she rolled her eyes. “We were in the same class for years before he left for boarding school.”

I laughed, both at my luck and her description of him. “Numpty? How does a ‘numpty’ like him get voted sexiest man alive?”

She looked nostalgic for a moment. “I think people show who they truly are as children and then become what they need to be to fit into the world as they age. The trick is to not have too much of one or the other.” She turned back to me, more grounded, and warned with a wink, “Don’t let that handsome smile fool you. He may appear stoic, but as you Americans might say, he’s just a dude.”

I thanked her for the warning. “Are you running in the marathon this weekend?”

Alana burst into laughter. “I can’t be arsed for that kinda nonsense anymore. Did you know he actually hates running?” She pointed out the window toward the water. “He and I used to race to the end of that pier. He never was able to beat me.”

She turned back toward me. “Where are you staying while you’re in town?”

“Well…” I normally wouldn’t tell a stranger where I was staying in a new place, but since she knew Levi I took a chance. “I’m staying up the road in a cottage by a mansion.”

Her eyes glinted with recognition. “Is that the Taylors’ place?”

“Yes, that’s right. How did you know?”

She smiled. “The island isn’t that big, love. They are old family friends, a lovely couple. It’s a nice cottage.” I paused briefly. “They’re throwing a party tonight for the marathon. Since I don’t know anyone, it would be nice to have someone there to show me the ropes. Would you be interested in joining me?”

She lit up. “I would love to! I haven’t been to one of their parties in ages, and the looks on their faces will be priceless after being gone for so long.”

I told her when to be there, and she headed on her way.

Prior to the trip, I had been chatting online with another Levi Brennan fan. We’d been in touch for years. I would consider them an online friend. They mentioned that they might show up to the marathon as well. Being the awkward person that I am, I wasn’t quite sure how to ask them if they actually showed. I decided not to worry too much about it. Considering all of the embarrassing things I had said about Levi to this online friend, part of me hoped I never met them in person. Before I left the cafe, I checked my phone just to see if there were any new messages. Nothing. For the best, I thought to myself.

I returned to the cottage and got ready for the party. It was a black tie event, which seemed a little excessive, but luckily I had a little black dress just in case something like this happened. Walking to the front door of the mansion, I looked up at the roofline and saw Cornelius faintly against the dusky sky.

“Tu-whoo. Tu-whoo.”

Large groups of people were already gathered inside and outside across the grounds. I waded through them and made my way inside. I recognized the Taylors from their picture when I booked my stay with them. I saw them chatting with a man in a green suit with his back turned to me. They smiled at me and waved me over. I approached to thank them for letting me stay at their cottage, but before I could get out the words the man’s head turned and it was undoubtedly Levi Brennan.

I felt lightheaded. I had dreamed of this moment for most of my life. There were so many things I wanted to ask him, but nothing came out. It was all I could do to not pass out.

“Hello Mr. and Mrs. Taylor,” I sputtered. “Thank you again for letting me stay in your lovely cottage.”

“Of course, dear!” Mrs. Taylor gently squeezed my hand in acknowledgment.

Levi turned directly to me and my heart stopped. “Rosalyn?”

My eyes turned toward him, but the rest of my body was frozen. “Y...you know who I am?”

He grinned and turned to the Taylors. “May I speak with Rosalyn in private?”

“Of course!” Mr. Taylor replied. “Take her to the study, she’s looking a bit wobbly.”

The next thing I knew I was sitting in an overstuffed chair in a small room with a fireplace, with Levi standing in front of me.

“What’s going on?” I managed to blurt out. “How do you know my name?”

“Well,” he grinned sheepishly. “I was bored online one night and…”

Suddenly, the puzzle pieces snapped into place. “Wait...are you…?”

“In the flesh,” he said as he bowed slightly. “I set up that social media account a long time ago as a kind of James Bond-meets-Perez Hilton PR tool.”

My stomach sank. “That’s impossible. There are so many embarrassing things I’ve said that I thought about you, to you, not knowing it was you.” I was glad to be sitting down already. “This is a nightmare. You must think I’m a total loser.”

He sat in the chair next to me, reassuringly. “No, no, not at all. To be honest, I really appreciate your candor. You told me things about myself that no one would dare say to my face. It really gave me some perspective and helped me grow as an individual. So if anything, I should be thanking you.”

My heart fluttered, but my head was still spinning. “Still, how the hell do you know my name? I went out of my way to make sure my social media account couldn’t be traced back to me.”

“I hired a private investigator to find you,” he said matter-of-factly. “They said it wasn’t hard actually and that you should really consider changing your password.”

A laugh of shock left my mouth before I could stop myself. “Haha, seriously?”

No reaction.

“...not really, though.”

He shrugged slightly.

“...really?!” I squawked.

“Well, of course. As a celebrity, sometimes it’s important for me to know just a little bit more about my fans for security and what not.”

I suddenly felt less weird about having done so much research on him. “Well why did you want to find me?”

“Actually, it was great timing when you said you were going to be in town.” He leaned in slightly. “I have a favor to ask of you.”

Before he could ask, the sound of dozens of phones buzzing could be heard from the main room. We could hear people gasping and whispering.

He looked down at his phone, displeased, and shook his head. He showed me the message. It said, “Levi Brennan has been caught luring fans through social media to sleep with them.”

I smirked and looked out the study door at the crowd. “What is this? Are you serious? Is this some kind of prank?”

“Afraid not. I mean, I have no intention of sleeping with you, but I have been receiving threats. Threatening to ‘cancel me’,” he said with air quotes. “Well, the joke is on them - I won’t be bullied. Besides, my one true love is back in town. I lost her once, and I won’t lose her again.”

I was taken aback. “Your one true love?”

“Yes,” he turned to look into the fireplace. “Alana McPherson.”

I felt my heart sink, but kept my composure for Levi’s sake. I didn’t want to dissuade him from continuing to open up to me.

He shook his head. “I’ve always gotten it wrong with Alana. I was hoping you could help me get it right this time. You’ve studied me more than anyone I know. If anyone can help me, it’s you. There’s just one question.”

“What’s that?”

He turned to me, asking, “What would you like in return?”

My mind went blank. “I...I don’t know. I’ll have to think about it.”

He nodded, grinning. “Fair enough.”

Alana entered the room, her expression hardening as she looked up from her phone to see us.

I called out to her as she turned to leave. “Alana, wait!”

She turned back toward me, regaining her composure. “Would you mind getting dinner with me tomorrow?” I asked quickly. “I would love to get your perspective on living on the island.”

“Well, I wouldn’t mind,” she started. “But wouldn’t you prefer Levi’s company?”

I shrugged. “Turns out he’s too much of a dude for my taste.”

Levi looked offended. “A dude?”

I ignored him. “Girls’ night it is! How does The Cod and Crab Food House sound good? 7pm?”

“Okay,” she smiled weakly. “I’ll see you then.” She looked coldly at Levi before she left the room.

“What was that about?” Levi asked.

My mind snapped into focus, turning back toward him. “We have less than 24 hours to prepare. Tomorrow night I’m going to develop a mysterious illness at the last minute and you are going to swoop in and replace me as her dinner date.”

He looked confused, but curious. “That sounds like a good start, but how are you going to prevent me from making a cock-up of the whole thing?

I showed him my phone. “Check out this article from 2015. It’s a list of 36 questions you can ask a stranger to induce a sense of intimacy. I figured if I was lucky enough to meet you in person one day, I would try to ask you some of these questions. That was, of course, before I knew you were in love with someone else.”

I stood up while he read on. “The author of the article said that these questions maximize the potential for people to get to know one another and potentially even fall in love. So with such limited time, if you can get through at least a few of these questions, you can potentially make up for lost time. You can also show her your more vulnerable side which, based on my research, you’ve had trouble with in the past.”

“Well well,” he smirked. “This might be just crazy enough to work.”

“While you’re getting ready for tomorrow night, I might know somebody who can find the person who has been spreading all of these rumors about you.” I took my phone back and began looking through my contacts. “I’ll let you know if I find anything.”

The cottage didn’t have internet, so the next day I walked to George’s cafe. My contact was going to be sending me what I needed.

“Well, hello again!” George beamed his infectious smile. “What’ll it be this time?”

“Hi George, I’m actually just here for the wifi and some tea.”

“Coming right up.” He pointed to the wifi password. “Not to be nosy, but aren’t you on vacation? Why do I get the feeling that this is more work than play?”

“Very intuitive,” I chuckled. “I’m sure you saw that text yesterday with the rumors about Levi. As it turns out, I’m a private investigator in London and I’m trying to call in a favor at work to trace the text.”

I saw an odd look cross his face. “Can you do me a favor? Don’t mention the private investigator thing to Levi just yet.” He nodded assuringly. “Since you know my secret, how about you? What’s your story?”

“My story?’ He leaned back slightly. “Well this was my mum’s cafe. I moved back to the island to take care of her when she got too sick to run the place. She passed away and I decided to stay and keep her legacy alive. Lots of good memories here. Turns out that a sense of home and belonging was more sustaining than the life I had bumming around the world.”

“Bumming around the world, huh? Do tell!”

He started to speak, but I stopped him as an E-mail popped up on my screen.

“Wow, that was quick. My coworker already found the sender of that text.” My stomach sank when I saw the address associated with the phone. My phone began buzzing, pulling my attention from the E-mail - it was Alana.

“Hey Alana! Are you at the restaurant yet?” I tried to make my voice sound rough.

“Yes, I just got here and ran into Levi.” She sounded annoyed. “He said you aren’t going to make it?”

“Oh good, he’s there!” I faked a couple coughs. “I’m sorry, but I’m not feeling well. You and Levi should catch up, though!”

Before she could protest, I hung up the phone. My match-making scheme was in motion.

I turned back to George. “You were saying something about bumming around the world?”

~~~

Levi smiled at Alana and motioned toward a table. “Shall we?”

She glared at him. “Before you say another word, I need answers. Are you or are you not interested in Rosalyn? And what is going on with these rumors?”

He sighed deeply. “Well, I wanted to sit down first, but here goes. I’m not interested in Rosalyn. To be honest, I had a huge crush on you when we were kids and I’ve never really gotten over you. As for the rumors, they are totally false. I’m trying to find the source of them now, but that’s not important. What is important is whether you believe me.”

“Rosalyn had suggested this date so I could finally tell you how I felt.” He looked at Alana hopefully. “Will you stay and have dinner with me?”

Alana eyed him suspiciously. She thought for a moment, then shrugged. “Alright, let’s hear your pitch. Not like I have other plans tonight.”

As they sat down, he unfolded a piece of paper from his pocket onto the table. “You had to write it down?” Alana snickered.

“No, no,” he countered. “This is a list of questions that’s supposed to help you really get to know someone.”

She picked up the paper, still unconvinced, and read the first question. ”’Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?’” She looked up at Levi.

“Well, present company aside, I would love to have dinner with an older couple I met in Italy years ago and catch up with them.”

She snickered again. “Random strangers? Interesting choice,” She thought for a moment. “I’ve always wondered what it would be like to dine with that little green man from those Star Wars movies…”

Levi scoffed. “Yoda? You’d want to have dinner with someone who’d need a high-chair to reach the table?” He looked down and pouted. “If you don’t want to take this seriously…”

Alana burst into laughter. “I’m not taking this seriously? Anyone in the world, and you pick some random people you’ll never see again? Why not pick a man from space and at least make it interesting?”

He looked at her sternly for a moment. “Because someone like Yoda is a fictional character based on an idea of who we want our mentors to be - not necessarily the actual mentors we have.”

She cocked her head, softening her tone slightly. “So was this couple your Yoda?”

Levi shook his head slightly. “Not exactly. They seemed more like, when I was younger, what I had wished my parents would be. This couple was more open and forgiving, more relaxed and carefree. My parents weren’t cold or cruel, but they were firm and disciplined. Talking with this couple about their lives gave me a new perspective on how different my life would be had my parents had different attitudes.” He looked at her as he continued. “I can see now how their behavior shaped me into who I am today, and I’m glad to have had them as my parents. I wouldn’t want things to be any different than they were.”

Alana sat quietly, thinking about his explanation. “But if you’d already had this realization, why would you need to speak to this couple again?”

He grinned sheepishly. “Honestly? To thank them for giving me the insight. I’m not always the most self-critical person, but hearing their stories reminded me that no matter who I am and what I think I know, there is always a chance I’ll be proven wrong.”

Alana nodded slowly, embarrassed. “That’s something I’ve had to learn the hard way…”

Levi cringed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to suggest anything about your divorce! I would be one to talk, what with how I can’t seem to maintain a relationship for more than a year.”

She chuckled. “It’s alright - it wasn’t just the divorce I was talking about. I let the rumors color my impression of you. We haven’t seen each other in so long, I thought you’d changed into some sort of…sex-pest! And if I’m being completely honest, the thought of it broke my heart.”

“Broke your heart?”

Alana blushed. “Well, yes. You aren’t the only one with a silly childhood crush.”

His mouth was agape. “Wait, what?”

She nodded.

Levi stared off behind her, lost in thought. “How could you have had a crush on me? I wasn’t even that impressive as a kid - I couldn’t even beat you when we raced to the pier.”

She laughed again. “Did you ever wonder why I tried so hard to beat you?”

A light bulb went off in his head.

“I was afraid you wouldn’t notice me if I didn’t do something to keep your attention.”

Levi sat back in his chair. “Well I can’t say I saw this evening unfolding like this.“

Alana smiled and shrugged. “What can I say? I guess I’m still trying to make you notice me after all this time.”

The waiter approached their table. “Sorry about the wait, we’ve been slammed with everyone coming for the race. Do you two know what you want?”

Alana and Levi looked at each other, then both turned to the waiter and nodded.

~~~

The next morning, the town was bustling as everyone was getting ready for the marathon. I saw Levi off in the distance talking with a camera crew about the event. He excused himself from the reporter and waved me over.

“How did everything go with Alana last night?”

He thought for a moment before responding. “Well, we only got through one question on the list.”

My heart sank. “Oh no, was it that bad?”

Levi flashed the biggest grin I’d seen from him all week. “No, it was perfect! I won’t lie, it was a bit shaky in the beginning. But once we got past the rocky start we talked for hours! Turns out, she had been pining for me at least as long as I was for her.”

“Did you two talk about the rumors? She seemed pretty mad at you at the party.”

He nodded. “I tried to be as honest with her as I could. At least, until we started on the questions.”

I looked at him puzzled. “Wait, you weren’t honest with the questions?! That’s the whole point of them!”

“I know, I know,” he recoiled. “I have a hard time opening up to people, especially Alana! I’ve always tried to impress her, but she saw through my evasiveness immediately. She called me out on it, and I just started babbling about how I felt, and the next thing I knew she was confessing her feelings for me. It was quite the whirlwind!”

“That’s so great! It may not have gone how we thought it would, but all’s well that ends well!”

He shrugged, smiling. “I certainly won’t argue with the results!”

My expression darkened slightly. “Well I’m glad you two hit it off, but I have some bad news, too. Turns out that the Taylors were the ones spreading the rumors. They needed the money and were getting paid generously through a third party that preys on celebrities around the world.”

He looked unsurprised. “Yes, I was afraid of that. Thank you for looking into the matter, Rosalyn.”

Once again, I was left confused. “Wait, what do you mean?”

Levi waved at someone behind me, motioning them over. I turned and saw George approaching. “I think it’s time we came clean, George.”

George nodded in agreement, and Levi turned to me. “Rosalyn, I knew you were a private investigator when I asked you to help me.”

I was shocked. “How did you know?”

“Ahem,” George piped up. “I may have left some details of my story from the other day a little vague.”

“George told me about the Taylors yesterday,” Levi continued. “As a matter of fact, I hired him to look into you when you and I first started chatting online. On a small island like this, it’s good to have eyes and ears on folks passing through.”

“George, you sneaky devil!” I was surprised, but also intrigued.

“I’m sorry for not telling you, Rosalyn,” George said somewhat ashamed. “Could you ever forgive me?”

I looked at him for a moment in thought. “I’ll have to think about it. This was a pretty big deception.”

Levi spoke up. “For what it’s worth, I still want to uphold my end of our deal. You helped me when you had no obligation to. What would you like in return?

I thought for a moment. “Honestly, I think it would be great just to be your friend. Can we just stay in touch and check in with each other once in a while?”

He smiled mischievously. “Rosalyn, after everything that's happened this week, of course I consider you a friend. But,” he paused dramatically. “I’m going to do you one better. You didn’t get much of a holiday, working off the clock for me, so I’ve prepared my jet and yacht. If you want, you could spend a week off the coast of Southern Italy, my treat. It’s nice and warm this time of year, and the food is fantastic.”

I was taken aback. “I’m not sure. Seems like it would be kind of lonely.”

He grinned again. “I thought of that too. You weren’t the only one playing matchmaker this week.” He turned to George.

“I never made it to Italy in my travels,” he said. “If you let me tag along, maybe I could make it up to you?”

I looked him up and down. “An intriguing proposition, but from one P.I. to another I need you to answer one question.” He nodded nervously. “What do you call a fake noodle?”

His face lit up. “An impasta!”

I smiled and nodded. “Alright, you’re legit.” I turned to Levi. “What’ll you do about the Taylors?”

“They’d been having money problems for a while,” he said thoughtfully. “I was actually surprised they were throwing that party the other night. I’ve been looking for someone to take over my secret fan account to keep a pulse on the rumor mill. If they’re willing to do that, I’ll pay them so they won’t have to sell gossip.”

Off in the distance, I saw something that caught my eye. I walked over and saw an owl statue above a plaque, which read, “In loving memory of Cornelius - A good friend and confidant.”

“I knew you looked like a Cornelius!” I said to the statue. “And I guess I figured out that George is my ‘Tu-whoo’. See you around, ghost owl.”

Levi shouted to the crowd, “So are you all ready to run in this marathon and save the birds?” The starting pistol was fired and everyone began the next step of the rest of their lives.