Only in Florida

Growing up in Chicago and it’s northern suburbs, we often heard crazy stories about Florida, the people that lived there and some of the crazy things they did. We even had a radio station that had a news segment every morning called “Meanwhile in Florida” that told actual news stories from the Sunshine State. There were stories like “A local man and his girlfriend were found dead after smoking meth with an alligator.” Or “Retired, Florida doctor was ran over by tracker while trying to hide his moonshine in a cotton field.” There was even a story about a Florida man, a screwdriver and his anus. Some of these stories would get so crazy that I began to doubt their validity. A couple of years ago, I decided to move my family down to Florida, despite all these crazy news stories I heard. My doubt obviously got the better of me. I will say this much, we found out first hand just how true they were.

In my series, “Only in Florida", I will tell of mine and my family’s actual first hand experiences in the world of Florida. And yes, it's a completely different world down hear compared to what we're used to. Remember that these stories are 100% true and actually happened the way they will be written. The only changes to be made will be the names of the other parties involved in order to protect their privacy and anonymity. Additionally, these stories are NOT meant to hurt anyone’s feeling, slander anyone, put anyone down or tarnish the reputation of Florida’s fine citizens. They are simply me informing the readers of what we witnessed and experienced. Enjoy.

1. A battle to remember

Within the first half hour or so of driving into Florida, we got our first taste of a culture we weren't prepared for. On the corner of a busy, major intersection, we were about to witness an epic battle of words, wit and brawn. On this busy corner we saw none other than the Man of Steel himself, Superman….. kind of. There we saw a man in his late 30s to early 40s dressed up as, Superman. He even had the false muscles, cape and patented red and yellow underwear worn on the outside of skin tight blue spandex.

What was Superman doing on that fateful, warm, summer afternoon? It’s Superman, I'm sure he was saving the world. It seemed as though he was having an altercation with whom I can only assume was the Invisible Man, as we saw no one else there. He was angrily pointing his finger in the Invisible Man's face while loudly giving him a stern warning. Eventually, Superman had enough and the battle began. He and The Invisible Man were going blow for blow for what seemed like an eternity. Sadly, the grueling battle ended with Superman on his back in a stunning upset. After a few minutes our hero was able to muster up enough strength to climb on his bicycle and speed off with the wind flying his red cape behind him like a man on a mission. I’d like to believe he was chasing after the victor for a rematch to ensure our safety.

2. “D’yall see that?”

On our way to visit a friend, we went through one of the many small towns that makes up the beautiful state of Florida. It was your stereotypical small town compromised of old, historic buildings, farms, one grocery store, a school house, police station and a downtown that was a whole 4 blocks long. Driving through this downtown we witnessed a portly, corn-fed man wear jeans shorts and t-shirt with the arms cut off and a worn out baseball cap barely hiding his curly, unwashed mullet riding his rusty, old, BMX bike down the sidewalk. He struggled to do 3 wheelies that rose no more than 2-3 inches above the sidewalk as he approached the stop sign. After the third wheelie, he stopped, turned to look at us while he pulled his Oakley sunglasses down and gave us a smile and look as if to say: “D'yall see that?” Honestly, I was more impressed with his mullet than the wheelies. Hey, whom am I to judge?