My Camino de Santiago

The Camino de Santiago. Many journeys to the same place, and for me a total of 900 kilometers from the French Pyranees, through Santiago de Compostella, and on to Finisterre - the western coast of Spain or the end of the world as it was known to the pilgrims who undertook this journey over 1000 years ago. Why did I do this thing? I'm by no means a crazy hiker. I didn't train for this and really, I had no idea what I was in for. All I knew was that after ending an 18 year relationship, I was broken and lost. I desperately needed some time out - a life break, if you like. Some space away from everything familiar to process what had happened and work out what was next. And time to heal. For whatever reason, I had the sense that the Camino would do that. I think I thought that walking a really long way would somehow magically heal me and that I would suddenly know what needed to come next. Maybe by pushing my physical boundaries, I would unravel something inside and things would just fall into place? Well, that sounds crazy. What on earth was I thinking??!

After years of working too hard and always thinking about what other people needed from me, I knew I needed time out, time to just BE. Maybe it's ridiculous that I needed to go to the other side of the world and hike 900 kilometers to do that..but it seems that I did. There were no sights to see (well maybe a couple), no work to do, nobody to please, and even the logistics of travel disappeared. There was no planning where to go next, how to get there, where to stay. My only job was to get up each morning and walk. And believe me, that was hard enough! But the removal of all those other things, gave me a different kind of clarity. Awareness of all the emotions I felt. Time to ponder why. Time to dig deeper.

So, how does it feel to arrive at the ocean after walking non-stop for 900kms? One word. Incredible.

I veered off the path and onto the sand and took off my shoes. When I reached the water's edge and felt the waves lapping at my toes, I cried. Tears of joy, tears of relief, tears of grief even. This moment was so powerful, perhaps even more so due to the exhaustion that was setting in. But it was more than that. It was the culmination of all the pain, all the emotional ups and downs (and there are many I can assure you) and a whole lifetime of joy and sadness all at the same time. Needless to say, I threw off my backpack, took off my t-shirt and dived into the water. Tears mixing with the ocean, the waves releasing emotions I had held inside for years and washing over me, completing enveloping me. Nothing short of epic.

So, perhaps the only thing crazier than thinking that the Camino could magically do these things for me, is that is some ways it actually did. The Camino did change me. It did help me heal. And it also got me a little closer to knowing what should come next.. Or at least it reminded me that I don't need to know the whole plan. All I need to know is that the next step feels like the right one. Just like the Camino - you just need to take one step in the right direction, followed by another, and another..

My Camino Family

It was not just walking that did this. It was the people. I have never, at any other time in my life encountered so many people that were so open and prepared to have real conversations. But this is the thing - nobody does something like this just for fun. Everyone I met on this journey, had done so for a reason. There was something they were looking for, or something they needed to let go of..and as a result, they were all open to this experience changing them in some way. And that meant idle chit-chat just didn't happen. There was no talk about the weather, other than that which is practical and related to hiking. And no "how are you" that wasn't truly an inquiry into your wellbeing. It was incredible.

The intensity of this experience also meant that one day walking with someone was equivalent to something like a year of friendship in the "regular" world. Intimate conversations about deeply personal things were an everyday occurrence. And unexpected kindness was everywhere. When I didn't think I could go on walking, there was someone who found a way to make me laugh, or give me the encouragement I needed to keep going. When I was exhausted, in pain and at the low end of the emotional rollercoaster, there was someone to give me a hug, or a wine or to cry with. The emotional honesty here was really something.. So often we are made to believe that expressing emotion makes us weak, or somehow less. But surely it is the opposite. Are we all not human? Isn't it our emotions that make us human? Why do we feel the need to pretend that everything is perfect, when really it's not? I call bullshit.

There were people dealing with the impacts of childhood abuse; others battling crippling anxiety; some escaping their lives because they were deeply unhappy but didn't know what to change; people healing broken hearts..the list goes on. In some ways it's no different to regular life in that everyone has baggage. The difference is that in regular life most people just don't talk about it. My heart is forever full of love for all the people I met on this incredible journey.

So how hard was it?

Honestly? Really, really hard!

I lost count of how many times I asked myself what on earth I was doing this for.. Of course I knew it would be hard..it's 900 kilometers after all, but when you're in it boy..it really is hard. There were blisters, and then sore ankles and knees. Every day something new seemed to hurt - calves, knees, quads, back, shoulders.. Then there was the time my toe nail came off along with the bandage at the end of the day. Oh my gosh, I have never seen anything so gruesome in my life, it was like a horror movie. Honestly I could not believe this disgusting things was actually attached to me. It took all I had not to throw up right there and then, and to be honest even a year later the merest hint of hiking and my toenails practically jump off my feet. I eventually decided to be grateful that my arms didn't hurt and to focus on that, because almost everything else did. Lol.

I slept in dorms with up to 60 other people, woken at all hours of the night by the cacophony of snoring that was actually almost laughable at times (almost). Accommodations were basic, but as long as there was a bed I was happy. Although if you ever wondered, paper sheets are not ok. A gym mattress on the floor side by side with 10 others in a 5x3m room is also not ideal. Yet despite all that, it was 1000% worth it.

On day 2, we were still in the Pyranees and got to breaking point after about 30 kilometers. A few kilometers further and we limped up the hill to the albergue only to be told that it was full. I could have cried..maybe I did, I can't be sure. But regardless, we had to walk another 6 kilometers to the next town and a bed. We walked 43 kilometers that day. Beginning before dawn, and finally taking our packs off at about 8pm. And yet despite that, yes - it was still worth it. (And not just because there was a fountain with wine in it..although that was a pretty great day!)

Inspiration all around

I was so inspired by some of the people I met on this journey. People that are shining examples of human resilience. There was a woman who had planned to walk the Camino with her husband, but he was diagnosed with cancer a week before they were due to leave.. Two years later, she was walking the Camino on her own with her grief. There was an 82 year old man with diabetes, who struggled just to get up and down stairs. His older brother had always wanted to do the Camino, but after a quadruple bypass that led to complications, he was no longer able to walk. So, Pete was walking for him.

I met a man who walked out his door in Zurich, and walked all the way to Finisterre. He had already been walking for over 2 months when I met him 400 kilometers into my journey. Mind. Blown. There was even a girl who for reasons beyond her control was doing it with zero money.. She had a flight home from Santiago so had to make it there, and survived on the kindness of people donating food, a bed or allowing her to camp in their yards. The fact that she was doing it was amazing. And that there was so much kindness allowing her to do was also amazing. Kindness among fellow pilgrims, but also from locals supporting those on this mad journey was really overwhelming.

There were people I met on this journey who I told things I'd never told another soul. Some I know I will be friends with for life. Others I don't even know how to contact again, but the experiences we shared aren't reduced by that fact. In some cases, I feel certain that we crossed paths in order for them to teach me something. They saw a truth in me that I needed reflected back at me in order to see. They offered insight into elements of my life that was profound. In other cases, the reverse is true. We met in order for me to help them. Perhaps to help them realise that they are worthy. Perhaps to remind them that they alone are in charge of their destiny and they are strong enough to make different choices. Or perhaps just to show them blisters worse than theirs so they could find the strength to keep on walking.

Letting go...

About 550 kilometers in, is the Cruz de Ferro. Tradition has it, that every pilgrim carries a rock with them as they walk. And when they arrive here, they leave the rock behind. A symbolic letting go of the things that are weighing us down. A physical burden removed, to remind us to let go of those things that no longer serve us. A small thing perhaps..but a powerful one too. No less so when you see this pile of rocks in person - the sheer size of it is overwhelming. A reminder of the countless pilgrims that have travelled this road before me over so many hundreds of years.

Always an over-achiever, I had 3 rocks with me. I had pulled each one out mediterranean waters at the start of my trip in preparation for this moment. Except when it arrived I panicked. I wasn't ready. I still had so much further to go.. Couldn't I hold on to them longer? I didn't feel "different" enough..or like I was ready to let go of those burdens. It brought the past flooding back and I was overwhelmed honestly. We had a boozy night with some rowdy Mexicans, and 3 of us set off later than usual the next morning. We walked in silence, each reflecting on whether or not we were really ready to let go of our burdens.

As we approached the enormous pile of rocks, I slowly began to feel sure. One of the rocks I already knew was really for someone else. It was the letting go of burdens on their behalf...wishing only happiness for them regardless of whether or not our lives would come together again. The other two were for me..and in that moment I realised what those 2 burdens were. And even better, I realised that I could let go of one of them. The other I knew would take more time. I walked up the mountain of burdens and looked up at the clear sunny sky, whispered a prayer to whoever was listening and then gently added my 2 rocks to the pile allowing the enormity of that release wash over me.

Life changing moments

Hundreds of kilometers later, walking the final 4 kilometers into Santiago de Compostella I was completely overwhelmed with emotion. But not, as I had expected, with joy at having accomplished this thing. Instead, it was something like years of pent up grief just came pouring out of me. Perhaps it was partly exhaustion, but the tears just came flooding out. Then, standing out the front of that magnificent cathedral, I hugged those members of my Camino family who I'd walked those final kilometers with, and felt the magnitude of what we had done..wow what a journey.

After two days in Santiago, despite feeling weak from a stomach bug, I commenced the final 100 kilometer journey. I had walked almost all of the first 800 kilometers with others, and while that had been incredible, I knew I needed to do this final stretch on my own. It took me three days, and it was a rollercoaster. The break in Santiago had helped my body recover, but it made it harder to start back up again..everything in me wanted to stop. But when I caught sight of the ocean early on the third day, I felt all the elation I had expected to feel in Santiago. And the moment that my toes touched the water for the first time..indescribable. I was completely overwhelmed with joy.

A few hours later, as I sat watching the sun set over the ocean at Finisterra, I took one final look at my third and final rock. This small weight that I had carried with me for 900 kilometers. I felt the weight of forgiveness that was needed. But this time I was ready. I am still a work in progress, but now I feel sure that I'm on the path. I learned that I am strong, resilient and worthy. I trust my intuition, and know that wherever this life takes me, there is capacity to find joy.

As the sun dipped below the horizon, I threw the rock into the ocean and said goodbye to that final burden.

So can a walk change your life?

Most definitely, if it's the Camino - yes it can.

Buen Camino.