Love Life

A friend of mine recently offered to do a tarot reading for me. They asked me to close my eyes, arrive on a situation, and then they would pull some cards. I closed my eyes, my mind wandering (as always) towards love when someone offers me a reading. Relationships and crushes have been circling my brain since I realized that sometimes, when I look at someone, I feel flutters in my stomach and my mouth zips up.

But this time, uncharacteristically, I thought about how I have long been wanting to travel. Going from my double-degree BA program directly into a 4-year professional program (I'm a dentist) fostered an immense burnout, one that has been stubborn to shake. Then, COVID-19 hit, I graduated, and went straight into working. I feel grateful to do the work I do, and I'm so grateful that I enjoy it too. But I never really got the change or experience I wanted. I always felt like if I had a gap year, might I feel less like I do now? Everyday, I go to work and wonder, what exactly am I doing all this for? To sustain a life outside of work, right? Lately, I don't really feel like I am living and I can't quite remember what it is that I do outside of work and home, work and home, work and home. My brain keeps returning to the desire to travel for an extended period of time. Maybe it would renew my passion for life.

What exactly do I want to get out of traveling? After mumbling and musing to myself for the last 6 months, I realized: I want to get out of my head, I want to romanticize life, explore spirituality, and stay open to new experiences. And I want to write about all of that. With this in mind, I said I had figured out what I wanted them to channel. They called spirit and pulled from their deck.

This is what they pulled:

The card that represents how I see myself in this situation: The Devil

Their interpretation: "You're looking for material success, and you may be a little bit controlled by it. But you just need to be aware of that, and you are aware of this." I have heard others say that The Devil represents worldly pleasures and experiences (think money, fame, status, sensational pleasure, Capricorns etc). This resonates with me. Every writer hopes that their readers might find something to take away from their writing, and I am just like every other writer--I want to be known for that writing, for it to turn into soemthing special. I wouldn't say no if my writing turned into some kind of windfall.

The card that represents your hopes: The Hermit

Their interpretation: "You're hoping to go deeper than just the superficial level." Yeah, I want to explore spirituality and romance, not just the food and wine. A little at odds with the first card, no?

The card that represents your fears: Death

Their interpretation: They smiled. "This one is amazing. You fear transition. The transition that might be implied by The Hermit. So although you seek The Hermit, you also fear The Hermit. Of what it might make you become." Death seems like a scary card. Fear and its paralysis is something I fear. It's something I've been thinking about a lot in the last year or so. I keep thinking, "What's holding you back from dropping everything and traveling? What's stopping you from doing what you want to do?" Knowing what little I know about tarot, Death is a good card, not scary at all.

The card that represents what's going for me: Strength

Their interpretation: "You have great spiritual strength. That's one of your greatest assets." Ok, but I can't help thinking that, well, I don't want to be strong anymore. I just want to experience pleasure, experience newness. I don't want to keep experiencing things that need me to be strong. Thanks, I guess, but no thank you!

The card that represents what's going against me: The Fool

Their interpretation: "So this would indicate that you may be less experienced than would be optimal. That might put you at a slight disadvantage." I have never travelled solo, and I've never really been on my own in any meaningful capacity. This card feels spot on.

The card that represents the outcome: The Lovers

Their interpretation: "This will be a decisive outcome, so pursue it. You might not initially be the result you're looking for. But it will lead to the important decision that will lead to the result you're looking for." Ah. Love. Finally!! I am coming off a terribly passive-aggressive-non-breakup-breakup-because-it-was-never-really-a-relationship-it-was-more-of-a-situationship and welcome a renewed sense of hope in love and relationships.

Is that reading not a perfect encapsulation of what I said I want? It was uncanny. I had to share. Tarot at its best exposes that tender subconscious and makes it feel real, as though someone listened intently to those innermost thoughts and said, Yeah, yeah, what you're feeling is correct. Follow your gut.

The reading was comforting. I am now planning my adventure with assurance that what I'm feeling is ok and my inner strength will lead me to The Lovers--what I have been looking for all along.

Itinerary ideas, anyone?