Life After You

My Dearest New Zealand,

I know you said we’d always be friends, but it just doesn’t feel the same. I know I said I’ll always come back, but I just want to be there. And I know it will never be like it was, but that doesn’t make me want you any less.

When we were together, I felt powerful and limitless. Now I’m just better at feigning confidence and gravitating toward my inner self. I appreciate what you taught me, but it’s just not the same without you here every day. I’m better and braver than before we met, but not as strong and vibrant as when I was with you.

And I know it wasn’t perfect, but no place ever will be. Sure, there were problems. But they were honest, true problems that mattered. They were life-sized problems, or at least had life-sized solutions.

You proved to me that all beauty comes from the inside. You proved to me that I can be liked for who I am.

And then you left.

I know you meant no malice. I knew it was inevitable. I promise, I did. It was just a shock to my system. A jolt to my nerves. I was never going to be prepared for this. Maybe I’ll be a little more prepared next time this happens.

It’s taken me awhile to figure out how to find some closure. Craziness kept me moving forward, but now life is so different from when I was with you, and I can feel the hole you leave in my heart.

I miss the wonder you share and spontaneity you inspire. I miss the overwhelming feeling of freedom I felt on every trail, at every campground and viewpoint, and in every tree, bird, and pebble.

And especially to Wanaka.

My darling Wanaka,

You taught me the importance of loving and nurturing a feeling of home. You taught me how to feel safe outside of my comfort zone and to look up, smile, and let everything else roll away.

You smiled in your sunshine and offered coziness in the shelter from your wind. You may have stolen some of my valuables, but the lessons you taught me and the ways you were there for me only strengthened my love for you. Nothing can ever replace our time together. And I will never let you go. Whenever I need to smile, stop, or separate, I will imagine your beauty on the countless days I told myself to never forget how lucky I was to view what was before me. It will always make me breathe easier and smile.

I know I’ll be okay without you. And you without me.

I know this is what’s best for each of us. I know we’ll learn and grow in the right directions for us individually. I know this was an essential relationship to lead me on my way. I know that you will never be able to be replaced. That you will echo in my heart and in my mind, keeping me balanced on this highrise tightrope of life.

You taught me that wondrous unknown things await me. To go head first and always laugh when I’m in shock. You taught me to find the joy in the smallest moments and accomplishments. I taught you that there are still Americans with a work ethic and sense of adventure. 😅

That doesn’t make this any easier.

I think the end of you solidified the end of everything before you. I didn’t know life after you until it was sprung upon me. I always assumed I’d be back in Portland, and suddenly I’m not. So with the loss of you came the surprising loss of not being with the people and places that felt like home just before you. I always knew I’d have to move on but I didn’t know how far. I still don’t.

But I have to keep reminding myself of these facts. I need this list of I know’s pointing at nothing outside of the evidence of my growth. Soon these I know's will all be I feel‘s and I remember's and I love's. But right now I’m talking sense into myself as I say goodbye to a chapter that already feels closed, and yet feels like it never will close.

I can’t wait to see you again.

In the meantime… Thanks. ♥️

I’ll love you forever.