It Wasn't Living, It Was Survival

Allow me to explain what is currently going on in my life before starting actual blog posts.

I recently quit my 9 to 5 office job to pursue a career opportunity in Braintree, Massachusetts. Keep in mind this is a place I have never visited let alone never even heard of. I learned that it is south of Boston closer to the coastal area. The remarkable fact here is I am from and currently living in Birmingham, Alabama.

Currently I have no job and exactly $1.47 in my bank which I will most likely use for a cheap ass beer because I am on my period currently and the cramps hurt like constant bitch slaps to my uterus. Scratch the $1.47, I just checked my Shipt Shopper account, and I now have exactly $24.00 in my name so yes, I am going to get alcohol.

22 minutes later and I have another Lime – a – Rita and two bags of Chex Mix, fuck yeah!

Ok now down to the nitty gritty portion.

I suffer from depression and crippling anxiety and ADHD. The crippling anxiety leads to my social awkwardness and my social awkwardness reverts over to my depression because no matter how much I rehearse conversations in my head, I always end up stuttering through the first fucking word and then the entire conversation just became awkward. This mainly happened at the office.

My previous position no one started conversations with me. I mean maybe three or four people but that was about it. I worked in the back office which we called ‘The Bull Pen’ with about ten other women. I say women because throughout the entire company (before the merge) there was a total of four men, but one was let go when the merge happened with the new company. They’re all great but then again, I’m pretty sure whenever I spoke with them or anyone for that matter, it was forced conversation. Like it was always the customers service voice when I was spoken to. So, upon that realization my depression flared, and I’d hardly speak to anyone for DAYS and when I did speak, I’d stutter and then after the conversation, I’d over analyze every word spoken. By now I’m sure you’ve got the picture as to why I never went to company events or participate in Bull Pen meetings.

People developed the habit of not talking to me. Granted at times it was nice because I feared having to converse with someone and screwing up the conversation and then them talking about it after I left. Also granted, I couldn’t help what people said. I am very quiet naturally because I have a low, soft voice that people often mistake as a child speaking over the phone. For example, I even remember when I was working at America’s Best Glasses and Contacts (or something like that, honestly can’t remember the name I’m too lazy to look it up because I’m on a roll with writing this blog and I don’t want to lose focus) and my manager called the store. I didn’t know it was her when I answered the phone and so I talked in my customer service voice, as one would do at work. She admitted it was her right off the bat after I introduced the store and myself and I will never forget the high-pitched way she said, ‘Oh honey you sound so sweet. I even want to buy glasses just from hearing you talk’ or something like that. Point being, I’m now 27 years old and at the time I was 25. That entire story was useless to this introduction but I’m going to keep it in anyway so you, my dear darling reader, can understand how anxiety works. With me anyway.

Now on to the build up that lead me to quit my office job.

As mentioned, I suffer ADHD. I am aware that nearly half the population on this planet suffers it and I am not using this as an excuse for anything. I am simply stating my point of view. Most know that those with ADHD tend to learn differently. I never had any experience related to this position before starting. They were aware of that when they hired me.

I had been given the extra push to quit when I was yelled at by my boss for not being able to afford gas to make it into work. I had the equipment and I asked if I could work from home until pay day. Living is expensive and I will admit I live pay check to pay check because bills had to be paid in order to have the bare necessities to live. I didn't want to ask for help again because everyone has their own shit to deal with. After explaining all that to my boss I was still yelled at over the speaker phone in his office and when I walked out I knew everyone had heard. That was my breaking point. I finished that day but not the traditional two week notice you're supposed to give before quitting. I knew they'd be fine with the sites I ran. They were small.

I did think about it for a week before actually sending my boss the message. We all know the decision was already made after I walked out of his office that last time.

I am taking this time now to mentally prepare for the change that is about to happen in my life and find what brings me joy. I recently realized that very few things bring me joy in this life. That is another reason why I want to move to a completely new city. To discover new things, people, places and adventures.

If you're interested in following along with me on this incredible journey to a new world, please let me know by following along! If you have any tips for moving, starting new jobs etc...please leave a comment! I look forward to knowing what you have to say!

Thank you for reading!