I LEFT HOME TO LOOK FOR ME

I LEFT HOME TO LOOK FOR ME

At the beginning of the year, I could not find myself. I looked and looked but I was nowhere to be seen. I decided to look for myself away from home by creating inspiration so loud that it forced me to stop in my tracks, by creating a new life, going away to a place I had never been to before surrounded by foreignness and beauty that I had never experienced. To awaken my heart so it could beat me out of my chest and back into the world.

I went as far away from the familiar, one city at a time, one dream after another, seeking; I kept moving until I found myself in Cappadocia looking at hot air balloons and the notion of rising above it all was a literal one in front of me, so one feet moved in front of the other to go line up, and then get in a balloon that was going to take me up and away - whoever came up with this concept? As we rose, I thought to myself that I would love to be a fly on the walls of the brain of the person that had such a beautiful daring brain that he imagined and then created a balloon of many colors that could take lost people up in the sky so they could look down through the clouds and see how just incredulous life was and how alright we were going to be after all because everyone is lost and everyday in little ways, everyone finds a piece of themselves one experience at a time and maybe life is about picking up the crumbles of pieces of us until we have enough to hold and if we are lucky enough, we could have a meet cute and find out our one true purpose of existence and spend life being who we were meant to be or we could one day fall next to someone picking pieces of themselves also and we might see love in each other’s eyes and spent the rest of life picking ourselves and each other.

I decided to do everything with meaningfulness attached so much to it that it was pouring over. I rode horses through the mountains, I camped by the bushes next to strangers, I rode a quad bike through the valley chasing the sunrise - I saw the sun rise so close to me that i could have reached out for a deeply felt cuddle. I went up to a love valley that had a huge red heart, a love bench and there was a lot of open space, happiness moving underneath my skin that it was so sensitively felt, endless sky and many many mountains they looked like a community of loved mountains. I screamed HELLOOOO and my voice carried HELloooooo through space. I was so happy I played music and danced and danced and danced. I spent this-day and that-day dancing on the top of a mountain to Andy William’s Moon River and his voice was so delightful that it made me feel like Audrey Hepburn. I was so happy, I felt I would burst like a cartoon character and multiple heart shapes would pop out of my heart and eyes. With this beauty I felt flowing internally, I looked down at the world and I saw cave homes - that people still lived in - in 2020 and it was so glorious it took my breath away. I stood for so long watching life move and I felt so shifted I cried, so I took a photo, because if anyone ever asked me what perfection felt like, it was indeed that morning just after I felt the sun rise, danced to the world with nature as my backdrop looking down on life that was existing in a different place, pace and style. It moved me to tears.

I left with a renewal of self. Having renewed my subscription on zeal, life and happiness. Barely 14 days post my elation, quarantine sipped in to our ears, our consciousness and then our reality. Enforcing itself. A visitor that showed up unannounced and just simply refused to budge. I spend my life moving; when i am happy, i move, when i am sad, i move some more. When I am in a mundane phase, I move the most. Now, reality was telling me i had to be still… until further notice. I thought I would go berserk and lose my already fragile mind. I resolved to that faith and I waited daily to fall apart but I am yet to come undone. Day after day, I sat with self, I wrote, I painted, I heard my voice, I listened to my self in a way that the pace of old life never afforded me, I appreciated self, I learnt self, I even loved self. I woke up from a slumber that seeped in so long ago and so firmly I couldn't tell you when it got in or how many anniversaries we have had.

Now I am awake, filled with empathy and anxiety for the world at large and how helpless we really are when the powers that be are in control but i am here and awake. You are here and reading. I am sending hugs to you and wishes of beauty that move you. I printed out my passion felt photo in a 30 x 30 frame and i look at it often to remind me that there is still so much life to be lived and so many songs to dance to at the top of the mountain one day