Fuck it, I'm going to Hogwarts

I'm gonna be honest with you. You've asked me to take you on a trip to spend a perfect 24 hours together in a place I know well. I'm a mom of three. Do you know the current state of the economy? I'm not travelling anywhere... and anywhere I've been sure the fuck doesn't feel like the perfect way to spend 24 hours. If that's the case, I'm going to have to submit a blank page. The real world is exhausting. It's endless traffic, crap weather, and everything is too expensive. I can't think of a single real place that's worth writing a story about.

Again, I'm a mom. One who can barely afford groceries most of the time, let alone gas for an elaborate 24 hour vacation. I travel in books. That's my escape. So... fuck it. Grab your trunk, pack your robes, and leave the real world logic at the platform barrier. We're taking a trip on the Hogwarts Express.

The train compartment smells like wood, and pumpkin pasties. As that beautiful red steam engine rattles north through the dreary English countryside, the rain begins to streak sideways across the glass, washing away every mundane stress you brought with you. By the time the train pulls into the Hogsmeade Station under a Scottish sky, the air outside hits your face like ice.

Up on the highest floor of the west side of the castle on the first morning, the sky beyond Ravenclaw Tower begins to light up with the first rays of sunshine. Morning creeps in gently, catching the delicate silver filigree woven into the indigo silk hangings that line the walls.

Wake up! I'm not asking twice. Pull that wool blanket off your nose. I know the air is cold, but you explicitly begged for the real insider tour. So... get your ass out of that bed before I use an Aguamenti spell over your pillow. The eagle headed bronze knocker on our dorm room door hasn't chimed yet with its first riddle, which means the rest of the Ravenclaws are still dead to the world.

Listen for a second. Hear that wind pressing against the glass? That's our tower's built in white noise machine. You either adjust to it on night one or you spend the next seven years complaining about sleep deprivation.

Pull on your robes, pin your bronze eagle crest near your collar, and mind your footing on the spiral stone steps unless you want to break your collarbone before sunrise.

Welcome to the common room.

Most students from other houses assume this place is a glorified, pretentious study hall filled with dusty books because their brains lack the cognitive framework to appreciate good spatial design. We have books, of course... but we also have the best set of wizard chess in here. You don't know what that is? Look right here. The chessboard is enchanted. It happened in 1740 when a seventh year prefect got bored during the winter holiday. If you make an exceptionally terrible move, the chess pieces will openly mock you.

Last week, a second year was lectured for twenty minutes by the knight for his positional weakness and chess history. He yelled at him for awhile before he decided to not even move at all. If you play on that board, you better bring a good strategy, or you're gonna be roasted in front of the entire room.

Don't just stand there staring with your mouth hanging open, look up! That painted star dome moves in real time with the actual sky outside. If you sit right here on the northwest windowsill with me, the starlight painted on the plaster aligns perfectly with the horizon and paints a glowing navigational map straight across the marble floor.

Over here we have Rowena Ravenclaw's statue. It's carved from white marble and wearing her actual diadem. See that little groove running along the base of her plinth? Rest your inkwell right in it. The magic pulsing through the marble keeps your ink warm and fluid so it doesn't freeze into a solid block of blue slush during the winter months.

These velvet curtained alcoves tucked between the huge bookcases over here are completely soundproofed by ancient charm work. You can play a harp, scream directly into the void, search for nargles, or sing and dance to full volume music and not a single whisper leaks in or out through that charmed fabric. For people like me, who want to read without being interrupted by loud-mouth idiots, it's Heaven on Earth.

Our door is the only one in Hogwarts that requires a riddle to be answered before letting you inside. Today, the riddle is, "What grows heavier the more you take away from it, yet weighs nothing at all when completely full?"

Most wizards lack basic analytical reasoning skills, which is why you constantly see Hufflepuffs standing outside of our room looking utterly baffled. But you're trailing me today, so take notes! The answer, by the way, is a hole. When you answer the riddle, the oak door swings open to let us out into the corridor.

First things first, let's talk about managing class schedules. Ravenclaws routinely over commit to electives and end up looking like ghosts by November. The biggest mistake is trying to take on Arithmancy, Ancient Runes, and Advanced Potion Making in the same block. That homework alone is about eighty inches of parchment a week. Don't do that or you'll end up pulling all nighters in the soundproof reading bays three times a week at least and you'll have to survive on Pepperup potion.

Watch your step here and don't follow those Gryffindors down the central staircases, they're about to get trapped on the fourth landing when it decides to swing toward the hospital wing for no good reason. Let's duck behind this tapestry of the Astronomy Scholar together and go down this narrow spiral service staircase. It's a little stuffy in here, but it bypasses five moving staircases entirely and drops us straight out near the Great Hall.

Smell that? Fried bacon, toasted oats, kippers, and warm treacle tart. Grab a seat at the Ravenclaw table, third from the oak doors, in case you weren't sure. The morning sun streams right through the windows onto our table. Best seat in the house, hands down.

Breakfast here isn't only about making sure you're fed, you've gotta keep an eye out for flying letters and owls. They deliver all of the mail and often have zero sense of spatial awareness. Yesterday, my barn owl landed on the table right by my plate and spilled my pumpkin juice before dropping a package into my lap. You always wanna offer a snack after delivery as a reward, or they will nip away at your fingers.

At nine, the bell tolls across the courtyard which means its time for charms in the dungeons with Professor Flitwick. Keep up and don't trip while you're gawking at the moving portraits! Today's lesson is the Subaquatic Breath Charm, which allows you to create a personal bubble of fresh air over your face.

Be careful with your incantations, I can't tell you the amount of times Neville Longbottom blew off his own eyebrows just by mispronouncing a word. Focus on your wrist flick. Be light, like you're trying to flick water droplets from the tips of your finger. Watch your breathing. Good job! See the bubble forming over my face? Perfectly clear, weightless air! Easiest five house points of our life! Brilliant!

Class wraps at eleven, and since it's an official Hogsmeade weekend for upper years, skip the crowded main gates where the prefects are checking permission slips. Follow me to the statue of Gunhilda of Gorsemoor on the third floor! Tap her hump with your wand and whisper "Dissendium." Perfect! Down the chute we go.

Fifteen minutes of walking through this dark tunnel and we'll pop right out through the cellar trap door of Honeydukes. The cold air is never any less of a surprise. Fresh snow is dusting over the thatched roofs, making the village look like a snow globe underneath the pale sky. We're gonna dodge the swarm of third years crowding the candy counter and head straight down the side alley to the Three Broomsticks.

Slide into this back booth with me away from the draft. Madam Rosmerta is already bringing us over two piping hot butterbeers loaded with extra foam. My hero. Kick your boots up on the footrest and take a nice swig of that sweet, warm, toasted buttery magic. Delicious, isn't it? And we have a great view of the Slytherins outside, freezing their unorganized asses off. Bonus.

Two o' clock now. Time we slip back through the tunnel and gather up our research gear before heading to the library.

The Hogwarts Library houses tens of thousands of volumes stored in towering oak shelves. The air always smells like old leather and book pages. Madam Pince is usually sitting at her desk near the entrance scanning every student like a hawk with her beady eyes. Don't you dare smudge a page in any of these books... matter of fact, don't even make eye contact unless you want four weeks of detention spent scraping dry beetle eyes off of desk tops.

Anyways, let me let you in on a little secret. There's an undocumented shelf in the historical biography section in aisle seven on the bottom rack behind the three volumes on medieval goblin rebellion treaties where students have been hiding unauthorized noted for nearly two centuries. It's not part of the Restricted Section, so no pass is required. It has hand written notes from past Ravenclaws detailing every shortcut and spell modification since about 1812. If you ever need to figure out how Professor McGonagall structures her mid-term exams or which specific ingredients Professor Snape considers 'wasteful' during practical potions assessments, that hidden archive is where you look.

This way, let's slip behind this rack of ancient star maps in the third aisle. See this tiny iron spiral staircase, I know... I know.. the castle is full of 'em. You'll get used to it. Anyways, most clueless students think it's just a decorative column. Up we go.

No one ever comes here because the stairs look terrifying and steep, which is fine by me. Sink yourself into that nice worn leather chair and open up Advanced Runic Inscriptions of the Eighth Century. The magic built into the glass above us gives just the right amount of reading light so your eyes don't strain. It's peaceful here. The only sound is the turn of your pages and sometimes the sound of rain hitting that glass. Perfection.

Welp... that was lovely. Time? Half past five. Let's pack up the quills and put these books right back where we got 'em. That's a mandatory courtesy that keeps Madam Pince from ever questioning our access to these upper levels. That would be a tragic loss. Most people think she's just a miserable old bat who hates joy, but they're wrong. She just has a profound respect for literary preservation. If you return a book with a cracked spine or a bent page cover, you end up on her hit list for life. But if you use proper book lifting charms and don't drip your quill ink on the parchment, she'll have no problem letting you stay after hours.

Before dinner, let's take the long route back across the covered Wooden Bridge. Look over there across the valley. Hagrid's chimney is puffing out grey smoke into the cold air, and one by one, windows are lighting up along the stone castle facade. From out here, Hogwarts looks sort of like a lantern. It's beautiful. The castle grounds are some of the most beautiful, in my opinion.

The Black Lake is fine in Autumn, but once November hits, the lake shore becomes a mud pit. The best winter spot if the rooftop greenhouse corridor behind Greenhouse Four. It's heated by the underground warm water pipes that feed the tropical plants, which means the stone floor stays around seventy degrees even when there's three feet of snow sitting on the glass roof right above your head. It doesn't smell great, unless you enjoy the smell of crushed dung fertilizer, but it's warm and dry.

Dinner in the Great Hall is a full blown celebration every night. The enchanted ceiling mirrors the sky outside and tonight, it's dotted with the first stars of the evening. Long silver platters are loaded with roasted potatoes, garlic rubbed rack of lamb, steaming gravy boats, fresh bread, and so much more.

At the Ravenclaw table, we like to talk about what we've learned... or compare wit. Can you hear that fifth year prefect trying to lecture us on how he believes wiping someone's memory with a charm is the same as staling their personal character development?

Here, try this gravy while I tell him how wrong he is... If someone gets cursed with a memory that makes them scream violently every time they see a soup spoon, wiping their memory isn't 'stealing character development', its medical hygiene, you absolute idiot!

Oh brilliant, dessert! Would you like some lemon sorbet? No, try the blackberry crumble! Try a bit of whatever looks good because before long, it will vanish into thin air just as quickly as it appeared.

When you're finished, I want you to follow me. Most of the school will be headed back to their common rooms to play Exploding Snap like toddlers... but not us. We're gonna head to the Astronomy Tower!

You're ready now? Ok! Let's go. The wind howls pretty loudly up here through the stone arches. This is where the brass telescopes are. Set yours up and align it with the eastern horizon. See that? Saturn's rings are so clean and crispy from here. You can use this special silver ink to chart it on your parchment map. We use that ink because it's easier to see when you have night adapted vision. Smart, right?

Tired yet? Yeah... me too. Let's get back down to Ravenclaw Tower.

It feels warm in here. I love the glow of the fire and these wool armchairs are the comfiest! I like sitting here and looking out over the grounds. It's nice to reflect on the highlights of the day before bed. Grab that parchment and write 'em down before you forget.

My eyes are burning, my brain is fried. Let's head up the staircase and dive into bed. Listen to that beautiful white noise we talked about earlier. This is it. Home. Just remember to keep your quills sharp, your ink warm, your mind focused, and don't ever let a moving staircase catch you off guard. Welcome to Ravenclaw.