Freedom

As I sat there staring at my phone, I hesitate to checkout. The feeling of fear once again takes over. “Fuck it” runs through my mind as I press the link to purchase my ticket to another adventure. So many emotions run through me as the app is processing my payment. A smirk in my face. The smirk my soon-to-be-ex husband claims he hates. I didn’t realize I had a smirk until he pointed it out. The reason this precise moment brings so many emotions out of me is because I never had this kind of freedom before. Just ten months ago, I was so broken and beat down after walking away from my marriage of 20 years. In the past 11 months, I have managed to do so many things that, before I left my home, I never fathomed I would do.

It wasn’t an easy ten months, but I am so blessed to have an amazing support system that helped me get through it.

Now, here I am, planning as many trips as possible. I have a new sense of wonder and want to take these next few years to see the world. My limitations are only my own. I managed to take five trips while unemployed, I can only dream of where else I will go now that I have a job.

I still remember how fearful I was in the weeks leading up to my first trip by myself to Europe. I was so scared to leave my children. I feared I would die in a terror attack abroad and leave my children motherless. I know, ridiculous, but that was a real fear I had. I convinced myself if that is how I was meant to die, at least they knew I died pursuing something I loved. I felt so much happiness during that trip. Happiness I had not felt in a very long time. The sense of freedom I felt, I did not know I could have. I wondered the streets of Paris, Florence, Pisa, Rome, and Turkey! I was living a dream. That trip made me realize that I didn’t have to be in an unhappy marriage and have an unhappy life. I would rather work my butt off and have a week like the one I had in Europe than have the life my husband was giving me.

My next trip was to the West Coast the week after I walked away from my marriage. I tagged along to do charity work with my sister and my sons. It was a nice distraction to have those weeks. We had such a nice weekend in the West Coast. I was lucky enough to have that experience with my 18-year-old and 20-year-old sons. We all needed a distraction and they needed to see me smile. We had a great time!

Later that year I took a road trip. I traveled 1,121 miles by car with my 8-year-old and my best friend. That was the farthest I had ventured out by myself by car. I didn’t want to go. I just wanted my husband to tell me to stay and come back home, but he didn’t. That road trip gave me such a sense of empowerment. I only had $100 to my name for that trip. We ate a lot of $1 menu foods at McDonalds, but we were able to get out of town and have a distraction that we desperately needed. I came back from that trip feeling like I could do anything and still come out OK at the end.

This past summer I decided I was going to use my life savings (not much) to go back to Europe. I needed that high I felt in Paris. The plan was to take a trip to Budapest and Prague. I planned the trip so it could be during my 8-year-old’s summer vacation and not disrupt her school schedule. I was ecstatic to take this trip by myself again. In one of life’s “plot twists!” I ended up in the happiest place on earth, Disney World. I took my 8-year-old to Disney world. Being in the happiest place on earth was magical. As much as I wanted to wonder the streets of Budapest and Prague, I LOVED seeing my child’s face in Disney World! During this trip I was completely by myself. I was the responsible adult in charge of getting a child to our hotel and parks. I never had to do that by myself in my life. I’m in my early forties! I seriously have never been completely in charge of another person my whole life. I always shared that responsibility. This trip made me feel like I could do anything, and I mean anything! We made it home safe and ready to take on our next adventure.

The last trip I took was a few months after the happiest place on earth. It was a last-minute trip. I had no intention of going but I managed to go. I went with a group of friends to a party out of town and had a great time! I could have stayed home and never thought twice about what I was missing but instead I ended up on a trip I never expected to go and connecting with people I never thought I would. I fucking LOVE my life.

Flash forward to now. I have been blessed with an amazing, well-paying job that landed on my lap. My first check is double what I have ever made and I get an email for cheap flights around the country. I’m due for a trip somewhere! Anywhere! All I know is that I need that high again; it’s addicting. This time around I have the money and I don’t have to cater to anyone. Fuck it! I’m heading to the East Coast. I haven’t been there yet. This is what freedom feels like to me.

I’ll be sure to let you know how that trip went.