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Fly with You Again? Hahaha!

Cattle Class Taken to a New Low

By Michael BlairPublished 7 years ago 5 min read
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When anyone embarks on any kind of journey, there is an expectation that the plan in one's head will, for most part, be completed. This expectation should be abandoned the moment you step from the optimistic certainty of the car, into the airport building.

Nothing prepares a person for the unholy chaos of pre-travel. Raggedy queues form in front of the new "self service" bag check-in and drop-off facilities. This looks impressive, but if three out of ten of these machines are working, that constitutes a miracle.

The moment the check-in time, let's say 6: 00 am, clicks round, the raggedy queue surges forward and becomes an ungodly scrum of young and old, flailing elbows and screaming children, all trying to use these abominations of technology. These machines are the work of the devil and will probably be replaced with a human once again. If you actually manage to get to a machine with your teeth intact, the "self service" soon turns into "get the guy in the uniform" to do this. The scales hardly work in the machines which are actually showing signs of life, and if by luck they do, there is a message to say "check in cannot be completed. Please see your airline representative."

After trying to out fox the machine by kicking and swearing, eventually the guy in uniform gets annoyed and tells you to contact an airline which appears to have nothing to do with the one the flight was booked. Puzzled, especially after having been on the go since 1:00 am, the other airline is representing the original one, who's desk is still to open.

This is bad enough, but worse is to come. The weary looking man and woman serving the counter break the news that despite having filled endless online forms, the bags will cost an extra £50:00 per bag to go in the hold. As time is ticking and tempers are fraying, there are no options other than pay £100:00 and move forward to the next challenge. Arguments will have to wait until after the holiday.

Sighs of relief, mixed with boiling rage, are sighed, and we head with confidence to the next stage of the fiasco.

This next part mainly consists of sitting around on uncomfortable seats, waiting for another clock to tick round. But now someone is trying to sell tickets to win a new luxury car. I ignore this amazing offer, but my companion has other ideas. This is not a situation where discussion is advised. When minds are made up, stay quiet. It's 5: 30am! After what seemed like a long time, I was presented with a list of three cars.

"Do we get a choice if we win?"

"No, I bought three tickets and signed up to...... " The words faded away as I realised I was in this for a year of monthly draws. This was really going well!

A couple of strong coffees lifted my spirits and we amused ourselves watching people drinking a variety of strong alcohol at this ungodly hour of the day. What is wrong with these people? Some were already well lubricated and fingers were crossed that they wouldn't be on our flight. Shaven headed and tattooed, and the men were just as bad!

Security was a relatively painless affair because of some kind of priority which had been booked and worked, unlike the baggage problem. I was only strip searched because of the clockwork mouse I had brought along to amuse myself on the flight.

Time to head for the departure gate. This is badly described. No one was departing anytime soon. People were sitting around staring at the sign which would have the magic words, "now boarding" shining brightly from it's screen. "Don't worry," I was told, "We have priority boarding." We didn't.

This was something else which will have to be taken up with the "airline" on return!

The next part, I thought was a one of, but it appears to be part of their plan to make everyone become insane. Bags are to be put in the hold because they are too big for the cabin, obviously. But smaller bags, mini cases, are allowed to be taken on board. Immediately prior to boarding, members of the airline staff appear and announce that the flight is full and would anyone like their smaller bag put in the hold because of lack of space inside the plane.

This seems to be something which could be resolved much earlier in the herding process, than immediately before boarding the damn aircraft!

Back at the original boarding event, we are silently shuffled through, with the occasional person being questioned about paperwork in order to keep the rest waiting just a wee bit longer.

Excited at finally boarding, we find ourselves in some kind of wire mesh tunnel or cage on the tarmac, in whatever shit weather Madam Scotland is throwing that day. The excitement was misplaced, again!

So, the priority bookers of the boarding passes are now in the same cage as the rest of the cattle, albeit twenty yards ahead. I hope the smugness was worth the money? After standing around twenty minutes in the freezing August wind on the exposed Edinburgh airport tarmac, we are finally let out of the cage to bed herded toward the plane. None of the covered walkways here. This is a march across the tarmac to be squeezed into seats with leg room which might be ok for midgets or chimps, but for a six foot plus male human, it's hell. There is no comfortable sitting position despite trying as many as humanly possible.

The final indignity was the seat kicking small child in the seat behind mine. This began before take off and despite my growling at the parents, continued for the entire length of the flight. This was just the cherry on top of the cake. Flight from hell confirmed!

So a flight which on face value was a good deal, with all the extra costs, like paying £50:00 per bag and seat position reservation, plus the same scam on the flight home, cost almost as much as a proper airline. This, and the herding of passengers like very stupid farm animals, has made me vow never to fly a budget airline again. This has been no pleasure whatsoever. Cattle class taken to a new low? Most definitely!

*No midgets or chimps were hurt in the making of this story.*

**Some of the above might be fictional, or maybe not. You decide.**

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About the Creator

Michael Blair

I'm a medically retired grumpy Scotsman with a good sense of the ridiculous. I write some political satire and some more serious pieces. I'm here to wake people up!

On twitter I'm @mmjblair and email me at [email protected]

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