Diarist: Sea Letters

Letters. What we say out loud, but written. I'm fascinated by letters that capture a specific moment of being; when we sit down to write a letter we pour our presence onto the page. We send a piece of our minds, our bodies in an envelope or a satellite wave.

My Diarist: Sea Letters series explores the letters and emails I sent while working as a merchant mariner. I reflect on who I was, what my priorities were, and how I've grown since then.

I wrote this letter while the ship was in transit from SUNY Maritime to the shipyard in Tampa, Florida. It only took five days or a week, but being underway cleansed my brain and helped me refocus. I was reading a lot of Jack Kerouac, which I think comes across in the way I fashioned my life after him. Or are the similarities coincidental? I think a lot about influences, ghosts, and how little control we have over our subconscious habits.

10 August 2016

Diane,

wowowo heyeyee

I’m writing this quick before I go to watch. I was scrubbing the callouses off my feet instead of emailing you. Sorry haha

All is well. Underway still. We should be in Tampa on Friday Morning, and I think we go into dry dock on Tuesday. very quick. So we will probably be moving to a hotel this weekend. Woot fancy living.

The third engineer and I are good buds and we do some talking so I enjoy that. I’ve also been steady in my meditation, and am now expanding the time. And (since I sleep in 2 shifts and wake up 2 times) I have been doing it twice and it is lovely. I’m doing extremely well, and writing a bunch also.

(the continued story)

So when I was in Beacon, a few days before my trip to MIami, I realized I didn’t need to come back. I have always wanted to go to the West Coast, and I wanted to see the middle of the country on a road trip (I’d actually envisioned it starting in San Fran and going east, and with [name redacted]… but that was never going to happen haha). Rizzy was driving from Illinois to Portland. SOMETHING INSIDE MY MIND FINALLY BROKE, CLICKING INTO PLACE THAT I DIDN’T NEED TO BE IN NEW YORK AT ALL, THAT I COULD BE ANYWHERE, THAT I DIDN’T NEED TO KNOW WHERE I WOULD BE IN A MONTH, AND THAT ALL OF THIS WAS OKAY. It was super liberating. It was such an airy epiphany. I was elated.

On this note, I flew to Miami and really was outgoing, open, meeting strangers, going clubbing, ditching the guy I went to the club with for a different guy with the ins to some good parties. I also spent time with Meaghan. The whole trip to Miami was continuing to be really really manic, and high. Some days, walking around Wynwood alone, the sadness and confusion would come back, but I would jump above it and bury myself in all these really manic behaviors. I did have a good time, but I was out of control. You know I like to have a good time, but I was PARTYING like never ever before—it was Miami Music week and Ultra Music Festival, the whole city was. That juxtaposed with the normal everyday life of my sister and her husband, and phone conversations with Brannon on her ship and being unsure of when we would line up to meet in Seattle/Washington but ignoring that and just diving towards it. Then back to beach parties at the bungalow of the W South Beach (being an outsider at them but then not caring, and being wild) Crazy long days and nights, and I did molLy and had sex with a stranger (not a new thing but still). It was really the height of just suspending myself above everything and pretending like this is a way I could be or act, when really I was becoming more and more inauthentic and ungrounded. Being able to transcend a particular situation is important, but living constantly in the air like that is so dangerous.

(to be continued)

Hope you’re good! When do you get off now? Did you get a relief yet? I hope so and that you get to see [name redacted] before he goes to Florida.

Also I’m very serious about you coming in October for the California hike! It’ll be long and strenous-ish, but worth it! I think about 20-25 days, Mexico Border to Big Sur, and then a bus up to San Fran for a night. You can come to Seattle a bit before and just hang out in the micro studio also!! Then go back to work in November. :)

keep on keeping on kid

-Doe Kasta :P <3

More Pops

8/6

East River-bound, on deck we

soaked up grey smog

of summer morning, South Bronx.

🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊

Under weigh, ship rolled away

and towards New York. It

rippled river with frothy wake.

🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊

Straddled by hairless white legs,

we stretch our fingers

to touch, barely, Ed Koch.

🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊

NY spits us out, like it

always will, into

the sometimes blue-er Jersey.

🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊

8/7

Empty hull is tossed

by waves, and is

a wave.

🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊

Between here and horizon

there is only swelling

blue.

🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊

Between these bulkheads

there is only swelling

blue.

🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊

Open hull is full

of waves, and is

a wave.