Camping with Crazy Birds

I went camping with these five chicks up in San Clemente at a local state beach. It was a last-minute trip with my cousin being one of the chicks, and some of her friends. It was my only day off that week and I had my dog with me, so I decided to tag along. I got my own twelve pack of beer to share. It was a last minute random night of chicks camping, I was excited.

My cousin was driving because I was on my third beer by now with the sun shining and beautiful weather as per the norm in San Diego. My cousin had everything I needed, and my dog Chloe was as happy as a clam, showing dog smiles the whole way. I want to tell the story without using any names, so we will call the first chick, bird1. We picked up bird1 and she had everything, a huge tent, a cooler, an easy-up, blankets, lights, hanging supplies, you would have thought we were going on a week-long venture. I told bird1 that she would make a good wife one day being so prepared like this for her friends. I knew she wasn’t gay, but I still flirted with her and gave her compliments, never crossing any lines. I have found that most women enjoy being flirted with and all women enjoy compliments.We go to get supplies and the girls grab a thirty pack of beer, hotdogs, ice, and some munchies. We are set, at least for the three of us, plus my dog, with one pack of hot dogs. Hopefully the other girls are bringing some food too. At this point I had no idea how many other girls were coming, but we had enough beer and shelter for many. We got to the beach camping right off the highway. It had an amazing view of the sea line that you just had to stop, gaze, take it all in, and get lost in your thoughts. The camping spots were tiny and all of them right on top of each other, where you could literally reach your arm across and be in the next camping spot. Bird1 had already been to the spot ahead of time to set up her own tent, which I was thinking would have been enough for the three of us and my cousin also had her car.

Small Sites Right on Top of Each Other

She proceeds to break out this huge, I am talking mammoth size, tent that could sleep twenty or more. There is not even enough room for the damn tent in our camping spot. I had to laugh, how many people were we expecting? We should have rented at least three of these spaces if not more, this could get interesting. I drank more as we attempted to set the monster size tent up in the wind, just the three of us. The tent almost flew away in the wind a few times, it was so long, it looked like a caterpillar because of its green color and elongated structure. It had to be comical watching us try and put it up, I know I was laughing. After about an hour and half, we finally got it situated, taking up most of our site and some of the other site next to us. Some of the tent was even hanging down the cliff, but we did it!

Everything was set up, including flags and all, more people started to arrive in the adjacent camp sites, a nice family to our left. A young couple and their five-year-old daughter. We might as well be camping with them, they were right next to us, our fire pits, literally no more then ten feet apart. I proceeded to drink more and breathe in the sea air and enjoy the view as the sun was beginning to set. We walked down the cliff on the dirt road to the bench located just above the sea cliff, it was a gorgeous and serene view. We ran out of beer that we brought on the walk with us, so we headed back to the site, just in time for the other girls to arrive. Three birds with a huge handle of vodka and another thirty pack of beer, no real food, just a few snacks.

Within the hour, the pack of hot dogs that we brought was completely ravaged. For me to eat anything substantial I had to grab a dog fast as all of them were being scooped up at an alarming rate. The sun was down by now and we were loud, as expected, six chicks letting loose on a Friday night. By this point I was intoxicated and flirting with everyone including guys and girls walking by and in other camp sites, but never crossing any lines or creating drama. I am a true believer in always making friends and keeping the peace and since I am single, I flirt with everyone.

As we were all drinking at the table I was flirting with the girls and eating as much as I could, mostly chips and dip at this point, the hot dogs were a distant memory. We should have bought more food instead of all this alcohol. One of the birds, we will call her bird2 starts to get angry with me, standing up and in getting in my face and yells, “what are you doing here, you know that none of these bitches are gay, we all like dick and your gay, were not gay!” Now, there is several ways I could have handled this situation, but I truly was speechless. Coming out of the closet just three years ago now I wasn’t completely use to the overbearing stereotypes that come with being gay, but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Like, a gay person being looked upon as wanting to have sex with anything and everything and always having an ulterior motive to turn women gay, as this bird was obviously doing right to my face. I stopped flirting or even talking based on these ridiculous stereotypes being thrown at me. I ate some more and bird2 had to make comments about my eating everything at the table and pick at me, trying to get some sort of response out of me, I had nothing, but I did know, I needed to lay down.

This almost looks like our exact spot, notice only one tent!

The bad vibes and many beers led me to the conclusion that it was time to lay down. I was the first one who went to bed, probably a good thing, I started drinking the earliest and I did have to work the next day. I passed out hard in the harem tent that looked like a scrunched caterpillar. After what felt like a few hours of sleep, I woke up to a man’s voice and a flashlight at the open door of the tent, telling me to get up and come out. To not even put on my shoes as I looked for them in the dark tent. I remember thinking, oh shit, what did these crazy chicks do now? It was the police.

There was no one in the campground, tons of empty beer cans, no one else in the tent but me, kind of eerie. The police officer asked many question and I answered the ones I knew. He told me that the people I was with were harassing other campers, being loud, and trashing the campsite. He walked me around in the parking lot and there were tons of piles of obviously used toilet paper. These girls were savages, the fire pit is right there and pee in the woods for crying out loud, have these girls never been camping? Who pees in a parking lot and then leaves their dirty toilet tissue on the concrete? Where were they? The cop asked me for my ID, it was in my cousin’s car and of course it was locked. I couldn’t wake her, he was cool, taking down my name and information. I was quite embarrassed by the chicks I was with, but I had seen worse camp sites. He told me that the nice family next to us got up and left because of the nuisance and loudness. Where were these girls? He ran my information to see if I had any record or warrants, and thankfully I was clean. He left and let me lay back down, I told him when the girls get back that we would clean the site up and be more quiet and respectful.

I still had no idea where all the chicks had went and what happened while I was sleeping. I went and laid back down in the tent, not even really knowing what time it was, it had to be late though, it was still pitch dark outside. My dog was scared, she climbed on the air mattress with me, which she never does, telling me she feared something. I kept the tent door open and after a small amount of time I saw the police officer coming back to the site, this time with a guy, I am guessing he is another camper, he was leading the police back to our site and I could hear him saying “it was five girls who did it.” I am thinking, what in the heck did they do? This is not good, I don’t like dealing with the cops and he threatened to arrest us all, I just wanted to stay in the tent and ride it out.

A few minutes later, bird2 comes flopping in the tent, I say flopping, because her balance wasn’t all there, and she moved with a drunken sway. She was loud for no reason, I am guessing for attention, and I can now see why the family left if there were more chicks being loud and obnoxious like herself. I told her that the police had come and that we needed to be quiet and sleep or he was going to come back and arrest us. She said, “fuck the police,” I couldn’t help but to think of an old rap song and laugh!

I got up and went in the woods to urinate, the bathrooms were kind of far from the site. As I was doing this, bird2 walks up to me and stands right in front of me and begins to challenge me again about my sexuality. I am literally just squatting to pee and this chick is standing in front of me, slurring her words, saying “you're gay right, you're totally gay, you know I am not gay, but you're gay.” I stood up to pull my pants up and she is directly in my face now running her mouth about how gay I was, and I just agreed, not knowing exactly how she wanted me to respond. By this time, I was not as intoxicated and was tempted to punch her in her face, but I prefer to fight with words if necessary. I had no idea what her motive was, but if it was to piss me off, then she succeeded. I went and laid back down as words or violence was not needed.

Bird1 then got up and we had two of them being loud and off balance, even falling in the part of tent that went down the cliff. I had to get some sleep, but I was worried the police were going to come back. They kept getting louder and louder, then bird3 shows up with this random guy, she was practically naked and soaking wet, did she go into the water this late, these chicks were wild. They were being loud, almost as if it were the middle of the day. They were getting out weed and smoking it in the other tent, but they were so loud it sounded like they were in my tent. I knew weed was legal, but we had to be quiet or the police will come back and arrest us. Sure enough, the police came back, this time a woman cop and she wasn’t too happy with us.

She made everyone get up and made us all sit at the table, bird1 and bird2 kept challenging her, being loud, not sitting and not cooperating. By this point we were an entire spectacle for all the campers at the campground. I thought for sure someone would be arrested and all of us were going down because of it. The cute lady cop told us that there were nineteen complaints against our camp site and bird1 was being cited for being the person who rented the site. We had to leave, we had to pick up camp and leave right then and there and if we didn’t we all would be arrested.

Most of us were still intoxicated, who was going to drive? It didn’t matter, we had to call someone to pick us up. The officer asked us to blow in her breathalyzer to see if any of us were able to drive. I was the only one who blew a legal limit to drive, but just barely, I blew a .034 and at .04 you are considered legally intoxicated. The nice lady cop said I could drive, but with caution. Everyone had to be picked up or ride with me, but there wasn’t enough room for everyone. By this point, it was four am in the morning and we had to pick up camp in the dark and half asleep. Instead of helping break down the tent, bird2 decided she wanted to just sit there and cry. No one listened, no one consoled her, she just sat there and cried for no apparent reason, beyond that her friends were pissed at her, hell, I was pissed at her. I just wanted to lay back down, did we really have to break down camp and leave this early in the morning? Were we really getting kicked out of a camping spot?

We were lucky to only just be told to leave. We were fortunate in a sense that we didn’t get arrested, that my cousin was underage and could have been cited with many infractions. Bird4, who was also sleeping at the time in her car decided to drive with us. On the way home, me, my cousin and bird4 laughed about it all, but I vowed to never hang out with bird2 again, thinking that she must be unhappy with her own life and just wanted to make other people miserable. She was harassing me and must have been the culprit harassing the others in the camp.

I was happy to get home safely and not get arrested and if you asked if I would go camping with birds again, I would say yes! It was an adventure after all.

I would do it again!