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Bubble baths and Lions

How to survive

By Published 3 years ago 4 min read
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It'd been a long day of saving elephants and shit. My neck ached and my backside had been bruised from driving down bumpy safari roads at 50mph with a gun clanging between my knees. I'd recently realized that at some point during the day I had apparently shit myself. I wondered if it had been before or after those poachers had escaped us.

Needless to say, I was in a pretty foul mood, and the conservancy's owner noticed. He had been nice enough to offer me one of their nicest accommodations as a reward for the services I had attempted to provide. I was glad that at least someone seemed to appreciate all the hardwork I was doing, damn those Ivory bandits.

The hosts were great, the Tusker premiums better, and my room spectacular. It was a comfortable and luxurious spot, fit for a king, like me. It had featured a vast view of the African plain, from there I could see ostrich and groups of cape buffalo roam about on the rolling, sweeping savannah. I was pleased to find an outdoor bathtub, it was lovely and featured some candles and a small privacy wall. Not that the wall was needed, I was surrounded by bush and trees, already very isolated from the other cabins in the area.

Dusk was coming and I lit the torches and filled the bath. I found a wonderful lavender soap which I filled the tub with. Night came, and I found, myself, naked, alone, in a bathtub staring up at the starry sky above. It was tranquil. Well almost tranquil. Until all the Monkeys around me began to scream. I lifted my head, listening to them hoot, not thinking too much about it. I took another swig of Tusker lager and concerned myself with finding my Zen. This brings me to my first tip.

Tip #1- Never ignore the monkeys

It turns out that their senses were quite sharper than mine, as the brush nearby began rustling, loudly. Which got my attention. I listened and I heard heavy breathing, that sounded like Darth Vader mixed with a dragon. It was close very close. I heard sniffing, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up and was very alarmed. I could smell a musty smell, one that I recognized. A lion was somewhere nearby. I sloshed around in my bathtub, and suddenly I heard the brush move more around me, and a low growl.

Tip #2- Do not slosh perfectly good bathwater around, it pisses lions off

I held still as I could, getting that feeling that I was being watched, I knew they were somehow around me in the brush. I knew If I screamed it might get their attention, I knew if I hopped out of the bathtub and bolted for the cabin, that they'd get me. So I did the manly thing and cowered in my bath.

Tip #3- Always have a gun

Let me tell you, I was naked and totally vulnerable in my bathtub, now I am a large man, but earlier that day while out on patrol I'd witnessed a female lion drag a 2,000 lbs cape buffalo carcass across the ground, using only the muscles in my neck. The world's strongest man by comparison can only lift about half that, using his entire body. So I knew I was pretty fucked, and definitely regretting the whole experience. I heard some more monkey screams. I heard some more growls and breathing, the Lions still hadn't left. I wondered if the hosts would find a bathtub full of blood in the morning. I didn't want that, I really didn't and began to look at what was around me, I wasn't about to have a Mexican standoff with these lions, after all, I was running out of firewood and the light was dimming and it seemed the Lions were coming closer and closer as the light retreated.

Tip #4- Do the Liam Neeson

I had some bottles of tusker nearby, and I had an idea. In a Liam Neeson movie, he'd fought a pack of wolves off with broken glass he'd duct-taped to his knuckles. I did not have duct tape but I did have bottles, two of which I broke and held the neck of it like it was a knife. ANother I threw into the woods, shattering i. I stepped out of the bathtub with my two broken beer bottles holding them up and trying to face the direction where I thought the lions to be. I tried to make noises and sound tough. I don't know if this is what worked, or if perhaps the lions were just surprised to see a giant naked white guy with bubbles dripping off of him. I backed towards the screen door of my cabin, the most terrifying 15 yards I'd ever moved in my life. But I'd made it.

Tip #5- If you can't be bad, be weird.

A few days after the incident, I learned that in fact, Liam Neeson had died doing exactly it was what I'd done. So I concluded, that perhaps that this wasn't the most effective strategy. Also that the lions had killed one of the dogs in the night. Which genuinely creeped me out, perhaps Lions were grossed out by my bath and didn't want any part of me I do not know. Lots to think about, but next time you're in Africa, I'd recommend skipping the outdoor bath.

africa
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