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Beware the Vagina-Eating Bears

My wife doesn't like camping and I know why

By Jason WeilandPublished 3 years ago 6 min read
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Photo by Mark Basarab on Unsplash

Trying to convince my wife of ten years that I will live out of a car when I go to the States has been difficult. To her, if you don't have a house to live in, you are nothing, you are homeless, you are not healthy, safe, or a member of society.

Where she comes from, everyone has a house, even if it's made of bamboo with a dirt floor. She just cannot embrace life on the road.

She has told me many times she doesn't want to even go camping, one of my favorite things to do. She will not shit in the woods. She will not sleep in a car, she will not eat chicken fajitas sitting by a campfire somewhere in Montana.

Her main argument seems to have something to do with bears.

I've told her, yes, there are bears, but if you leave them alone, they will stay away from you. As long as you store your food in a safe place and have a can of bear spray handy, any encounter with a bear will be a non-event.

I sometimes wonder if she thinks that bears lie in wait for an unwitting camper to drop trou in the woods, and then jump out and bite them on the vagina. She seems to think there is a bear waiting around every corner with her name on it.

She won't believe me when I say you are much more likely to be molested by another human in your own home than a bear in the woods.

Sure, I've seen bears. When they walk my way, I walk the other. Simple. What you don't do is what I have seen these MAGA-hat wearers doing when they go to Yellowstone. They see bears on the side of the road and thinking to get the best snap for Instagram, they jump out of their car and try to feed Smoky a Krispy Kreme.

They deserve to be eaten.

Bears may look cuddly, but I assure you they are far from it. Especially if there are cubs around. The easiest way to become dinner is to fuck around and find out what happens when you try to pet a bear cub.

Mama bear won't like it, no matter what you saw on Disney.

Bears Aren't Like People

The chances of encountering a bear in the woods are small. My wife can't seem to understand that. To her, one bear is enough to ruin your life.

Besides bears, from what I understand, she wants to poop in her own bathroom. I told her I would buy her a little enclosure and a mini-toilet because she has said many times before she will not poop in a bucket.

She is having none of it. If the toilet is not attached to the floor, she will not sit on it, which I don't understand because I know as a child she crapped in an outhouse.

Maybe a trauma from her childhood has caused her to be poop-shy

My kids should experience the woods and outdoors. I want them to fish, and climb mountains, and eat scrambled eggs from a cast iron pan in the middle of the forest.

The wife wants none of that.

We don't want to have to leave her at home, because that would be boring for her, but the US is the perfect place to experience the outdoors, and if we have our way, every weekend will be spent camping - spring, summer, winter, and fall.

But listen: the camping and the bears are just a symptom of the real problem between me and my wife.

Let Me Tell You About The Filipina

My wife is about half my size, but twice as scary. As big as I am, I'm a teddy compared to her. Sure, my temper is lost at times and I yell, but for the most part, I'm easy.

To the kids, I am a pushover.

My wife is the opposite, she is passionate and stubborn, and more set in her ways than an 80-year-old grandma who never left the farm. She wants things to be her way. That means the house must be spotless at all times. There can never be a dirty dish on the counter or a donut crumb on the floor.

There are ants all over, after all.

She is set in her ways, and if you break her rules, there will be hell to pay. She is the queen and king of the castle, and if you forget to hang up a towel, you may be headed to the rack.

She loves control.

In her domain, her house, she has control. It is her place of comfort, and for someone with anxiety, she needs a place like that. But if you upset her control, or do anything to cause her perfect world to be different from her ideal, you will pay for it.

She doesn't like doing things or going places where she will not have control. She gets anxious when we leave the house and if her anxiety is making her miserable, you will be miserable as well.

Her mother is the same way, and when the two of them are together, I can really see where my wife gets it from. Her aunts' were real control-freaks as well.

She is the way she is because she has terrible anxiety, and the only way she can control her emotions is by controlling her environment and the people around her.

After ten years of marriage, I am accustomed to her ways, and I may not always like it, but I try my best to help her keep her anxiety in check.

Just like she knows I need to have calm and quiet to work and function, I know she needs to exert control and I help as much as I can.

So when she says she doesn't want to camp or live on the road, I know why. She has no control when we are sleeping or pooping in the woods. She knows her anxiety will be difficult if she puts herself in that position.

But, just like I push myself to change and be a better person, I expect her to step out of her comfort zone sometimes and experience life without control.

So, I am still going to push her to come with me and the kids when we go camping. And even though I will bend over backward to help her enjoy herself, I will have fun as well.

Now, if we can just keep away from the vagina-eating bears, we will be fine.

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About the Creator

Jason Weiland

Donut and travel enthusiast- sometimes I write, sometimes, I even write well!

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