Conspiracy Theories That Make More Sense than Your Homework Ever Did

Disclaimer: These conspiracies are just theories. I am not claiming any of them as fact. This article is not meant to be harmful to any person or corporation. It is purely for creative and entertainment purposes.

I wish I could tell you that I am writing this from a safety shelter, wearing an aluminum foil hat to protect my brain from electromagnetic fields. Unfortunately, I am writing from the comfort of my warm, black velvet comforter, in my averagely protected house, with a lime La Croix in my hands. To me, that actually makes these theories scarier. We live in a world where it seems that almost anything can happen. After all, there is a reality TV star as the president of the United States. So, while farfetched, some of these theories seem more possible now than ever.

Chipotle Bioterrorism

Chipotle is one of the only fast foods I don’t feel terrible about eating. There is something comforting about that first bite of nutritious Tex Mex paired with the unsettling afterthought of stomach pain. In 2015, Chipotle faced rough bouts of E coli and norovirus for a series of months in chains all over the country. They voluntarily shut down more than 43 stores and the trading stock dropped 45% within the year. This past summer, Chipotle was hit with another foodborne illness outbreak and the stock fell again. While this type of outbreak can be common, there is a conspiracy that these attacks on Chipotle may have been a form of bioterrorism. The chain has spoken out against the use of GMO’s in food, their motto being “Food with Integrity.” Many believe that the FDA or biotech industry planted strains of bacteria or viruses in the food. While farfetched, the entire world is hearing rumblings about the importance of non-GMO and organic foods, and Chipotle supports it. It does make sense that the biotech industry would want to “take out” a popular instigator.

Fluoridation of Water

My personal journey with this conspiracy began through my father. He is an electrician and had been working on a job at New York’s oldest water supply system for New York City, The Croton Water Filtration Plant. Over the span of a few weeks, he was working directly in the area that adds fluoride into our drinking water. He said that, in order to go into the room, you had to put on an airtight rubber suit and mask ensuring that no skin was exposed to open air (WTF?!?!). Upon entering, he noticed that the stainless steel had completely turned white. All of this information was overwhelming, and so he came home, shared the news, and we both began our research.

Following the conspiracy, Fluoride is said to be a waste byproduct of Aluminum, which is a known toxin. It is said that ALCOA, a huge Aluminum producer, had a mass amount of Fluoride waste product and began to dump it into our drinking water near the end of World War II. The corporation was approved to dump after conducting a company-funded study that “proved” that the element in water prevented tooth decay. Unfortunately, many dentists and doctors today do not support this claim. Approximately five percent of the world’s population drinks fluoridated water. In the 1970s, German and Danish governments rid drinking water of fluoride due to lack of evidence in preventing cavities, as well as proof of negative long term affects on human organs. Many countries including Sweden, Norway, China, Belgium, Israel, Finland, and Hungary have stopped fluoridation. Studies in China linked Fluoride to a lowered IQ and developmental disabilities in children. Other studies have shown exposure to high levels of fluoride lowered fertility in women and men and even increased bone cancer risk. Many believe that Hilter used fluoridation in concentration camps to calm prisoners. More extreme theorists believe that the government is using fluoridation to numb the population, making us willing to succumb and be prone to long-term health issues. The idea of mind control relates to fluoride and the pineal gland, or as many spiritual believers call it, “the third eye.” Fluoride has been known medically to calcify the pineal gland, which would in turn block it, making a person less “spiritually aware.” Believers claim that the government wants to cut that ability off. Parts of this theory are wacky, but large corporations like Tom’s of Maine have released fluoride free toothpaste. In addition, more and more countries are banning fluoridation of water each year. Plus, I’m not sure I want to be drinking something that your skin should not be exposed to at all. But hey, that’s just me. Tom’s, here I come.

Alternative Therapy Suppression

When was the last time you popped a Nexium for heartburn or took antibiotics to get over a common infection? Given that you are not an anti-medicine hippie, the answer is probably recently—possibly in the last week or even day. A study conducted by the National Survey on Drug Use showed that more than 119 million Americans use prescription drugs. According to the book, Natural Cures "They" Don't Want You to Know About, written by Kevin Trudeau, the FDA and Federal Trade Commission are keeping natural cures from the population. Trudeau claims that there are natural cures for debilitating illnesses such as muscular dystrophy, acid reflux, mental disorders, diabetes, autoimmune disorders, herpes and even cancer. It sounds completely insane, I know. But here’s the kicker: Kevin Trudeau is currently serving 10 years in federal prison for fraud, larceny, and contempt of court. Trudeau was sued by the Federal Trade Commission for misrepresentation and storing money in “shell companies.” He paid heavy fines, but refused to stop the production of his books and infomercials, which promote his message. Yet another big instigator attempted to be subdued. In cancer medicine alone, it is reported that the world will spend more than 150 billion dollars by the year 2020, compared to the 107 billion dollars spent in 2015. The medical industry is a lucrative business. Imagine if the most common ailments could be cured without spending billions on prescription medicine. Of course, it would be morally unethical to keep cures from the masses, but 150 billion dollars sounds pretty nice. As unbelievable and horrifying as this is theory is, a study conducted by the University of Chicago found that 37 percent of Americans believe that the FDA suppresses information. How does that make you feel? Maybe you need a Xanax?

FEMA Camps

FEMA, or The Federal Emergency Management Agency, was an executive order implemented by President Jimmy Carter in 1979. FEMA is most commonly used in relief from natural disasters, domestic or terrorist attacks, or any event that would cause catastrophic disruption affecting the normal functions of a state. The governor of the affected state has to declare a state of emergency and request the help of FEMA. FEMA has been in the news a lot recently, as the world has been dealing with tragedies such as Hurricane Maria, Hurricane Harvey, and the California wildfires. However, this conspiracy claims that the FEMA that has helped through disasters like Hurricane Sandy and 9/11 is a cover for a more sinister plan.

This theory states that in an event of a huge countrywide natural disaster, terrorist attack, or even a “manufactured” attack, FEMA is prepared to aid in employing the country under martial law. After a huge countrywide disaster, the government could implement martial law, which means the military would have direct control of all citizens and functions, causing the loss of their civil rights.

FEMA would aid in instilling martial law through so-called FEMA camps. Reportedly, there are camps all over the country. There are variations of the conspiracy. Some believe that the camps would be used for imprisonment while others believe they would be used to wipe out a majority of the population and instill a New World Order after the disaster. Conspiracists say the government and military have unmarked land all over the country in the form of large warehouses, casinos, factories and religious establishments known as Project 908 to be used in case of a nuclear war. In addition to military owned land, there is a theory that a huge corporation which has popped up all over the US is also a decoy for these internment camps…Walmart.

In 2015, five Walmarts that spanned throughout the country announced they would be shut down for six months due to plumbing issues. Workers found out the previous day that their jobs would be terminated. Local residents began seeing increased military personnel in the area, such as helicopters and army tanks. They also all reported hearing underground explosions at night.

Furthermore, there are allegedly (but most likely true) underground tunnels all over the US, used by military personnel for unknown reasons. These Walmarts lay right along the lines of the map of these tunnels. There is a video of a local resident trying to get prescriptions while taping the strange occurrences, when a police officer asks her to stop filming. There are many other videos of residents exploring the gutted Walmarts with blacked out windows. While this may all seem crazy (because it is), many of these stores did not reopen. Then, in 2016, Walmart announced that they would be closing 154 of their stores all over the country. Is it coincidence? Possibly. But if you are anything like me, you are currently googling how far away you are from a Walmart and planning an evacuation route.

So, now that you are curled up in a ball ordering your Tom’s of Maine on Amazon Prime, wondering if your last burrito bowl was tainted with E coli, and considering moving to the desert to avoid the Walmart concentration camps, relax. Most of this is probably not true (I hope).

Here’s one last ridiculous conspiracy that is almost most certainly not true, but you have to admit you see the resemblance. I am mainly inserting this as a bit of relief, as the previous three conspiracies were extremely heavy (Although the brutal murder of a six-year-old is not very light). A YouTube video was uploaded in 2014 that claimed that Katy Perry is actually JonBenet Ramsey. Conspiracist Dave Johnson claims that JonBenet sacrificed her name to become a pop star years after her “alleged” murder. He claims that even their parents have facial similarities. Though this conspiracy makes no sense and has tons of evidence to debunk it, it is fun to look at, so please give your eyes a rest.

JonBenet Ramsey & Katy Perry