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The Real Monster

A short essay on the reality of fear, its relationship with racism, and why we must fight back.

By Kayla HaasePublished 4 years ago 3 min read
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When I was six years old, I was convinced there was a creature in my closet. Staring into the dark abyss between its two folding doors, I imagined the monster taking many different forms. First it was a werewolf, then a swamp monster, then a vampire. Its goal was to torment me or worse, take me away from my family. It was there. I was sure of it. And yet when I called out to be rescued by my father and he courageously flicked on the closet light, I realized what many people don’t until later in their lives; that the dark creature had never lived inside my closet. The only monster that had ever existed in my bedroom was inside my mind. I had been betrayed by my very own brain. For twenty-four years since that moment, I have held back the urge to climb on to my roof and share my discovery with every soul in earshot. “FEAR,” I’d scream, “IS A LIAR.”

Since I was six years old, I have been acutely aware that we are all paralyzed by the notion that we are alone in our suffering, in whatever form it may take. Too scared to examine our fears up close, we neglect to realize that we all share the same monsters- judgement, loss, rejection, isolation. Instead of calling out for help, or reaching out to turn the light on, we choose to stare into the darkness and imagine all the evil it could contain. Denying ourselves the chance to look our monsters in the face, to see that the only place they truly live is in our minds, we instead decide to keep them alive. We turn our heads, close our eyes, shut the door, and ignore. But has disregarding the presence of our fear ever actually made us less afraid?

The very same fear we refuse to acknowledge within ourselves is the one that stops us from acknowledging it within others. Fear’s best friend is solitude. When cruelty and injustice take place in the world, fear commands us to look away. Stay quiet, it says, stay safe. Those who have never turned the light on, who have never seen their monsters dissipate before their eyes, fail to understand that their silence does not guarantee their security. Ignoring a creature only leaves it yearning for attention.

Racism is a monster that was born through the fear of white men. Men who were terrified of confronting the fact that one can appear different and still remain an equal; horrified by the thought that a diverse group of people with darker colored skin could hold any value or power.

Racism is a creature that took shape in the dark. With each senseless act of oppression, it grew larger- an arm, a leg, two eyes, a mouth. Out of thin air it was drawn, for the same reason I had wholeheartedly believed there was a monster in my closet- fear.

The devastating difference between my childhood terror and the monster of racism is that mine disappeared when the lights came on. Racism only became more real. It’s body is comprised of hundreds of thousands of black lives lost to an epidemic of hate; it’s arms take the shape of a discriminatory legal system and police force; it’s legs firmly stand in a corrupt government led by those who hold greater value in their own power than in the lives of their people; it’s eyes reflect the hideous acts of violence and cruelty people of color have faced since the day they stepped foot on American soil; it’s mouth gapes open, it’s teeth made of bullets, pepper spray, tear gas, and batons. It is an ungodly, grotesque being that has been given life by those whose lives are dictated by one thing- fear; the driving force behind hatred.

Racism is a living, breathing creature that feeds off the fear of oppressors. It thrives in the rejection and discrimination of people of color, made stronger by every act of injustice. It cannot be defeated in a matter of days, weeks, months, or years; a fact that sheathes many swords, turning short-sighted, impatient warriors away from the cause. The biggest mistake one could make in the face of racism is to look in its eyes, see it for all that it is and was and has yet to be, and turn their back, forgetting that the most monumental victories are won by first making the smallest of steps forward.

And so I implore you, do not cower in the shadow of this monster. Do not give in at the sight of its strength. Do not forget the extraordinary power of persistence.

And most importantly, now that the lights have been turned on, do not turn them off.

humanity
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