Supreme Court Outlaws Flu Shots In Favor Of "DIY" Treatments

We could all see it coming for months. In a ruling that came out last week, the United States Supreme Court has effectively outlawed the influenza vaccine. It is well known for bringing the world out of the 1919 pandemic and has been periodically upgraded over the years to combat dangerous mutations of the original H1N1 virus. For lack of better phrasing- it stops people from dying.

In the ruling, the court clarified that they would not technically be outlawing all flu shots in general- just the ones that have been tested and distributed by professional drug manufacturing companies. “This will be a godsend to small medical practices,” says Justice Amy Comey Barrett. “They had been spending so much money buying syringes, needles, and most expensive of all, the virus samples. Now they can save their hard-earned money and choose to use one of the many cheaper methods of protecting against the virus.”

The bill actually does specify several different types of variants to the vaccine. “Oh yeah, there’s a bunch you can do,” Barrett continued to speak after we made the less than intelligent decision to let her. “There’s momma’s chicken soup, vitamin c, you can have a sick person spit on you and build up your immune system…” She went on, but we felt we should not include any more at the risk that people try them.

While all of these methods do technically prevent more violent cases of the flu, we have to make it clear that every single study ever done has shown that vaccines are the single most effective way of preventing deaths from the disease, decreasing the death rate by upwards of 200,000%.

“That’s not true,” she told us with a gruesome scowl. “The vaccine kills just as many people as the virus has.”

“And how many people would that be exactly?” Naturally, I was shocked to hear this. I had to imagine someone as educated as she had a valid point to make.

“One.” I tried very hard to avoid facepalming and luckily was able to stop myself. I asked her who this one person was who had died from the vaccine. “His name’s Glenn,” she said. “He was hanging out on the roof of the vaccine factory, having a few drinks, when he fell off. So now that there are no more vaccine factories, Glenn can’t die again. I seriously can’t understand how you don’t see this as a win.”

“And who is the one person who has died from the flu?”

“Oh, that was my great-grandmother. She died a few weeks ago, which is actually why I had the other justices look at this case. They all really miss Glenn too. He used to sneak booze into the chamber for us.”

I had enough of speaking to the honorable Justice Comey-Barrett at that point, so I headed down south to check out how they would be trying to prevent flu cases. We visited a pharmacy in Biloxi, Mississippi, where the workers seemed very excited about the new doctrine. “Oh, it’s great. We just have Clara spit into some recycled syringes every day. Only takes a minute and Clara does it for just-” He broke off before he could finish his sentence.

It was a grueling sequence of interviews. I just wanted to go home, hug my family and never leave again. We finished up at another pharmacy near our own headquarters to talk to one final worker. We will not be sharing any more information on the location because we believe this technically breaks the new law. “We got a shipment of flu shots in from somewhere a few days ago. The people need them and we can’t make them ourselves. We got through like three and someone had what I’ll call an adverse reaction.” He told me what this ‘adverse reaction’ was and I will not be sharing it.

If you’re reading this, just be careful. The world just became a much more dangerous place. Be there for those you love, and be mindful of those who are not as fortunate as you. A lot more people are going to need a lot of help very soon. Do not let them go through this alone.