Everything Ends with Trump, pt.1

Let’s take a closer look at the everyday, commonplace, readily accepted for what it is, always quietly reliable toothpaste tube. It’s a modest achievement. Nobody ever hates their toothpaste tube; nope, it’s one of those things, like automobile tires, can openers and ball point pens that never get the attention and praise they deserve until they suddenly and surprisingly do not function the way they should. Every morning and every night toothpaste tubes remind us of our president’s dilemma.

Before toothpaste tubes there was tooth powder packaged in a jar. Every family member had a toothbrush and dipped it into the powder for tooth brushing. You can see someone in a farm family with seven kids at the turn of the 19th century might question the sanitation of community dipping. This might be when,”Eeow, yucky!!” came into the vernacular.

Dr. Washington Sheffield, a dentist practicing in Connecticut, learned how the French artists used collapsible metal tubes to package their paints and realized he could package his Creme Dentifrice in the same way. Voila!

The French, it should be noted, are responsible for many more inventions; some far more significant than the toothpaste tube, if you can imagine. Here I am thinking of the stethoscope, Etch-A-Sketch, pencil sharpener, the hot air balloon, mayonnaise, Braille, the hair dryer, oboe, and the first practical sewing machine among many others. Of those just mentioned it is hard to improve upon or overrate mayonnaise.

The metal used in toothpaste tubes was originally lead. Where would we be without good ol’ lead? More of us would still be living. Over the years the tube came to be made from the safer and much more satisfying (because of the pleasant squeezy-squeezy) aluminum and plastic.

However, in our enlightened age we have come to understand the toothpaste tube presents us with two serious problems. One is that (maybe it should be two and a half) toothpaste tubes made of plastic and metal cannot be properly recycled. Every year our land fill is populated by billions of toothpaste tubes. (Undoubtedly, some scientist has figured out a toothpaste tube will last 473 years.) So the industry has put much thought and energy into developing an acceptable type of tubing for their product. Colgate-Palmolive has been working hard to produce 100% recyclable packaging by 2025. Crest, a Proctor and Gamble product has had more trouble designing a cap for its tube, too, but that’s another calamity. A proper and appreciated amount of squeezable is always part of the goal.

They have developed a high-density polyethylene (HSPE) tube that may be the answer to the question, “How can one get all, every last bit of toothpaste, out of the tube?” A question that has plagued brushers for more than a century. When Colgate begins using its new tube there will be two significant improvements. First, it is made of a material that can be simply disposed of and recycled. Second, you will be able to use all of the paste in the tube. Unfortunately, one quality of the toothpaste tube will not be affected. It is the same quality that Donald J. Trump constantly reminds us of every time he holds a press conference. Here it comes…

The toothpaste tube has one distinguishing, charming quality: you cannot put the toothpaste back in the tube. It’s impossible. Can’t happen. And likewise when Donald Trump speaks, it is out there taped and recorded for all to hear and know forever. He can’t put it back in the tube. Impossible. Can’t happen. The close-watching pundits never miss his bottomless stupor. Somewhere, someday, there will be a long, long video of the thousands of lies he has told. That, along with a video of all the just plain stupid things he has said, will be his legacy. Donald Trump, the immortal toothpaste tube.