Were you always like this? There must have been a time when you were like me, believed that most people are good at heart. That humans have a natural instinct to help other people. It seems you’ve gotten off track... or do I need to get on track? I know this world is harsh, but I really didn’t think people were all for themselves. Maybe you gotta be. I’ve questioned a lot the past few years and gone through things that made me rethink the very deep moral code that was instilled in me at a young age. I had to believe that good people are abundant and bad people are just good ones who probably got burned one too many times. Is it human nature to be resilient and roll with the punches? Or is it smarter to protect yourself no matter the cost and no matter how far down it pushes down as stranger? I wonder how far I’ll get on merely kindness and forgiveness. Sometimes I get angry at those who’ve oppressed me and want to oppress anyone who could be a threat to my happiness by simply caring only about what I need. Survival of the fittest has shaped our planet, has it not? But every time I show no mercy, I hear a voice in my head. It’s an instinct more powerful than the love of power itself. It’s subconscious sometimes and I feel the effects in ways I can’t describe, but I feel it take priority in every decision I make. Maybe it’s love, or grace, or altruism. It’s a knowing deep down the difference between the cheap easy and ultimately wrong way to act and the good and right thing to do.
I imagine when I have a child, what would I not want to admit to them? What would I wish they would do and how I would want others to treat my baby? In a perfect world, I’d want them to treat others like they would want to be treated. The golden rule. But people like you make gold turn into fool’s gold. It’s an expectation for everyone to follow that rule, and pretending you do, but not really living that way. The baffling part is that I don’t think you can perceive this, you really don’t see it. Our minds can powerfully deceive us to a point that defies all logic. Sometimes I think I’m being good, but I’ve only fooled myself truthfully. It all comes out eventually. Maybe my mind is protecting me. Maybe I couldn’t handle the shame of it until then. Shame is funny that way, we avoid it almost unknowingly and at high costs. It hurts. It hurts when you realize that who you are and who you want to be are not the same. But this pain is essential to growth. Without it you go about life, oblivious to the effects of your behavior. I have to constantly think about shame. I have to feel it so I can learn that what I’ve done was wrong and to not feel that way I must change. You think you can’t handle it, but you can. You won’t die from this. Although you might want to. But what you’ve done is not who you are. It’s about learning, and what you do in the future. Self awareness is the key to understanding. If you, Mr. President, truly understood the consequences of your actions, they wouldn’t have happened. Just think about it.