Black & Blue

Where to begin? When it comes to BLM--whether taken as ‘black’ or ‘blue’--I am an expert of neither. So whenever I bring up topics related to either, qualities of Impostor Syndrome make sure to gouge me with their talons the moment I feel any hesitation. But perhaps because I am neither black nor a police officer, I have an outsider’s perspective that could aid with impartiality? Or perhaps this is just hopeful, daft naïveté?

The uncertainty of the near future holds great apprehension, to make an understatement, and I dare not deign to feign that I hold any solution for it. All I know how to do is write and research, and in rhetoric, it’s imperative to not only find supporting evidence for an argument, but also counterpoints, so as to be aware of an argument’s potential limitations, as well as gaining at least comprehension for the opposition’s premises. Granted, BLM is much larger than formal logic: lives are at stake… So it is my hope that by gathering experiences and perspectives from both sides that dialogue can be fostered at least.

I will admit I was intimidated reaching out to a police officer to ask about her perspective; she had posted about Black Lives Matter, so I crossed my fingers and gritted my teeth hoping for the best and expecting the worst, because “luck favors the prepared.” Thankfully, I was pleasantly surprised. She was more than happy to share her experience.

After explaining some of the realities of being an officer, I now understand why she asked me to keep her information confidential. In my mind’s eye, an odd and ironic twist of fate is that as an officer, she too is a target, albeit not in the same way that black individuals are. Additionally, she was transparent about her awareness that being an officer was her choice, one which put her at risk not only while working, but also at home, with her daughter. She is adamant that her daughter learns as much as possible about racism and its history, while simultaneously explaining the dangers that ensue every time she leaves the house in uniform and that she might never return. Furthermore, how does one reconcile with their genuine desire to be a public servant while handling the ruthless reality of systemic injustice?

By no means am I the best proponent for drawing parallels, so I cannot imagine the depths of fear and the potential energy of stored grief waiting in limbo for a day that may or may not come for both black families and families of officers. And as I write, my intentions condone neither police brutality nor the violence that erupts at protests, but I also specifically am not focusing on those topics here because I want to allow a space for painful emotions and feelings.

Before speaking with her, I wondered why I didn’t see any officers standing up against brutality, corruption, racism, or in support of black lives. I’m still not sure I fully understand, and it is likely I won’t completely. At the very least, I now I am aware of a taste of the difficulty of the other side of the spectrum, and I opine that ensuring a child’s safety as much as possible is first priority, an identity that black families and police families share, though experienced differently. As a result, that need understandably can prevent these kinds of conversations from occurring, another casualty of the long history of this nation’s racism.

Black and blue… what macabre imagery for present-day reality. When injury occurs without breaking the skin, and until BLM erupted this year, this was a metaphor for the complicated contention between black and blue lives: so much injury occurring beneath America’s seemingly unbroken façade.