The Five Labors of Satoshi Nakamoto

“Rise Satoshi. You who have conquered space. You who have conquered time. You who have defeated darkness. You who have tasted death. You now have an audience with your Celestial Father, Keeper of Cosmic Accounts, the Writer of every Golden Rule, Grantor of Wealth in Every Golden Age, His Eminence and Grace– the Once and Future King, His Majesty, the Almighty Jade Emperor. Arise head bowed and only raise your eyes to gaze upon the Divine Light of his Resplendence.”

Satoshi still felt dizzy from his fall, but could feel strength returning to his body. He immediately realized that just being in the presence of the Jade Emperor was empowering. He felt he had the same strength and vigor as he did when he was 21 years old. He could sense his body marshalling the forces of each cell, assisting him in rising. But for the controlling presence of the Being standing before him, Satoshi would have been driven mad by what he was sensing internally and what he was experiencing externally.

In what seemed like an infinite instance, Satoshi collected his thoughts. He chose to focus on two things – rising from the marble floor and projecting absolute humility and deference to the God standing before him. “Tell me of your journey Satoshi.” The Jade Emperor’s voice was as an unexpected thunder-clap, commanding absolute attention and respect. Satoshi’s thoughts sharpened. If the Jade Emperor was speaking in this way, it was because he chose to do so. He could just have easily chosen a more humble, more human way of projecting his voice. “Snap out of it, Satoshi. Always analyzing,” he thought to himself. But, it was this same kind of analysis that kept him got him here. It was this ability to make a quick analysis of any situation that earned him an audience with the Emperor.

Satoshi cleared his throat, though there was nothing blocking his ability to speak. He was considering the way one might address a God. He chose to keep both his introduction and his story succinct. This was the only way to assure he would not offend the God standing before him. “Your Eminence, I…” Satoshi began to recount the steps that brought him to the Palace of the Jade Emperor. I was sent by my company, ASRock, to the United States to attend a conference and to give a presentation. At the close of the first night of the conference, on the walk back to my hotel, I saw a woman being assaulted by three men. They were dragging her into a dark alley.

I don’t know what came over me, but I became very angry. While I was afraid (given I have no formal fight training), I was also frustrated and full of pent up aggression. Anger about my lack of job satisfaction, the trip I was forced to take, my family, not having a girlfriend, a fellow Asian being assaulted…all of it spilled over into that very moment. I ran into that alley swinging my bag like a crazy person. I think I even hit the lady accidentally. Anyway, I was filled with such an insane rage that the three men assaulting her eventually took flight. After helping the lady up, I realized my laptop didn’t survive the beating those guys took with it. I was too lost in the moment to hear it cracking as I smashed it over one of those guy’s heads.

The lady could see I was a little disappointed at seeing my broken laptop. And, though I assured her I would be okay, she told me she would grant me a gift. She handed me a golden envelope and told me that it would grant me an audience with a God so long as I passed the tests of time, space and death. I had already passed the test of darkness by rescuing her. She told me that if I were ever to find myself in a place of darkness and someone helped me, I should give the envelope to that person and tell him or her the same thing she told me – that this envelope would grant its possessor an audience with a God. We walked to the street where I waited with her until her Uber arrived. I bid her farewell. Then, I returned to my hotel.

It was when I took off my shirt that I felt it. I was in serious pain. There were bruises on my arms, back and ribs. It seems the three men didn’t fold easily. I didn’t realize it at the time, but they were actually fighting back. They simply couldn’t overcome the force of my rage. As I reflected on it, that rage was a form of darkness in and of itself. It turned me into a monster. So, if I defeated darkness, it is because I became a thing of the darkness myself. I felt a sense of pride in myself. I had never fought before, but was able to best three thugs…in the United States no less. I was spent. I felt throbbing pain from my rib cage and sharp pain in my back. Overcome with exhaustion from my sixteen-hour flight, a long day at the conference and the fight of my life, I laid down to sleep it off.

Just as I closed my eyes, I heard what sounded like a trumpet. My eyes opened and I was laying atop a hill staring at the sky. Odd! I was no longer tired and I felt no pain. The sky was an indescribable mix of purples, blues and gold…like something painted on, not altogether real. I was outside, but the space felt limited. I could sense there was an end to it – that there was nothing beyond the horizon. I could sense it was some kind of plane, with limited dimension and depth, but definitive purpose. I arose from the golden grass, which appeared to me to be something like wheat but very soft to the touch. Seeing the faint glimmer of something shiny at the foot of the hill, I chose to find out what it was. I had already done a thorough analysis of my surroundings and realized that I wasn’t in Kansas anymore.

Upon reaching the bottom of the hill, I saw numerous weapons arrayed in a large semi-circle. There were several swords, a knife, a blade, bow & arrow, several shields, a large mace, a sickle, a staff and a few other weapons I could neither recognize nor name. A voice pierced my consciousness. It was not something audible, but I heard it loud and clear. “These are the weapons of the Gods. Choose one.” I walked into the semi-circle and picked up a crystal pen. It didn’t take me long to observe that there was nothing about any of these weapons that would reveal which pantheon or God each might be associated with. So, almost immediately I chose the pen.

As I held the pen in my hand, I noticed that inside the intricate crystal pen moved s silvery metallic liquid. What God could this pen be associated with? And, why was it even considered a weapon, especially among all the others? Again, the voice spoke to me. “You may place the weapon upon the pillar. You have conquered the test of time. A true warrior chooses his weapon without hesitation. This is a weapon belonging to the Jade Emperor.” The weapons in the semi-circle began to dissolve into golden sand, which got swept away onto the windy plane. The golden glitter seemed to stick to the golden-brown grass adding to the beauty of the tapestry before me. Then, I woke up.

The next day brought on three more tests. I was supposed to do a presentation on the future of embedded peripherals at the computer conference, but a young computer engineer begged me to let his boss, Jeff Bezos, have my slot to talk about his newest venture – Amazon Web Services. They had just laid off a lot of people, borrowed a few billion dollars from banks and were fighting for their company’s future. I called my superiors and they agreed I should let them have my spot. I pushed up my flight so that I could leave a day early. While I arrived at the airport and boarded the plane on-time, it was overbooked by three passengers. Since I was initially scheduled to leave the next day, I gave up my seat.

As I lay in bed after returning to my hotel room, the voice spoke again. “You have conquered the test of space. It is not wise or necessary for you to profess absolute control over any space that is not truly your own.” Again, I questioned whether I did anything different than anyone else would do. I felt that allowing a distressed company to present would be an honorable thing – good karma for me and good karma for the company I represented. I questioned whether I gave up my seat on the flight to help other passengers get home in a timely manner or whether it was just to have another day of rest in the U.S. before returning to work. I was lost in my thoughts. So, there was no way I was getting to sleep. I decided I would venture out to a local bar that was a few blocks from the hotel.

The sign on the marquee read “The Green Room”. I entered the bar, which was surprisingly empty except for an older Asian man sitting alone at a corner table. I immediately recognized the barkeep was from my native Taiwan. So, I greeted him “Li-ho.” He responded in kind but wasted no time getting down to business. “Satoshi, the door to your right will take you into the Jade Room. The man sitting at the table in the corner will present a riddle. This drink I am pouring will kill you. But, there is only one way to get to the Jade Emperor. You must choose wisely!” Immediately, I lifted the glass an drank. I felt a sharp pain in my head. The pain was so intense it made me nauseous. I fell to the floor and lost consciousness.

“And, then you woke up here.” The Jade Emperor chimed in, his voice now very human – full of empathy and humility. “Yes. I knew I had passed the tests of darkness, time and space. If the last test was to conquer death, the obvious answer would be to take the drink. There was no use in hesitating.” Satoshi dropped his head. He had finished telling his story and realized the future of his very existence lay in the hands of the Jade Emperor. “I will grant you one wish Satoshi. Ask for what you desire in the form of a question.” It was obvious to Satoshi. 95% of his problems could be solved if he had more money. He’d thought about this a hundred times and concluded that money was the bridge to happiness for him.

He asked, “I would like to be seen as one who makes a lot of money, as a man of great wealth.” The Jade Emperor looked upon Satoshi with a seriousness that pierced his very soul. Then, his visage changed. The serious look turned into a smile. The Jade Emperor began laughing. “Satoshi, I will tell you how to money is made. Something that has intrinsic value is used as a vessel for value. Some cultures use cowrie shells as the holders of value. Because there is an expense in obtaining the shells, coupled with a value in their use in rituals, customs and jewelry, there is intrinsic value. The shells can be used as a medium for trade. One ancient African culture used bowls as money. The value was in the craftsmanship and intricacy of the bowls themselves.

The Babylonians, possessing no resource of significant value that could be a medium for trade determined that the system itself would be the medium for trade. They called their system “Fiat” or ‘currency in faith’. So, you see, Satoshi – you can make money out of anything. You could, for example, have programmers mine code from servers. The intrinsic value would be in the purchase of the servers and the work itself. Perhaps, the code being mined could a history of the transactions themselves. There are many ways you could do this. In the end, you will be known for making money."

The Jade Emperor continued. At that point, you will be faced with a decision. You will have to decide whether to live a worldly life or a more universal one. If you decide to live a more universal one, return to the bar and take the door to the Jade Room. Then, perhaps, I will show you what that pen can do.” Satoshi awoke. He was no longer on the floor or even in the bar. Somehow, he awoke in his room at the hotel. A year later, Bitcoin was born. We all know the rest of the story, even what eventually happened to Satoshi Nakamoto, the man who wanted to make money.