Attempts on Bitcoin’s Life

Attempts on Bitcoin’s Life:

A drama in 5 acts, inspired by ‘Attempts on Her Life’ by Martin Crimp.

Act 1

Bitcoin loved the sunshine after the rain. It sounds like a cliché and Bitcoin was pretty sure that it was a lyric from a song, but it was also true goddammit! Bitcoin loved the break of the gold through the grey and the rainbows when they appeared. The other day, Bitcoin had seen a double rainbow that seemed to go all the way to the ground at both ends. If they could only get there quick enough, surely Bitcoin’s family could find a pot of gold, couldn’t they? That magic seemed possible in those moments of gold after grey, a light patter of final drops falling from the sky, and those beautiful colours smudged across the sky. Surely the magic was real, wasn’t it? Couldn’t it be?

Act 2

Bitcoin is energy man, it’s pure energy.

That’s all any money is right?! Going right back to trading with gold and gems and shit.

It’s energy and it is meant to flow.

You can’t hold onto it.

You can’t be grasping, man.

You gotta give it room to breathe.

Why you trying to define it dude?

Why you wanna do that?

Act 3

“I don’t understand why we can’t still be together.” Her face was blotchy and red. We’d been at this for ages, both got upset, both cried at one point or another, both shouted too.

“I just feel like we are on different paths. We used to have adventures together – more than anything that is what brought us together wasn’t it? We used to do stuff, go places, have fun. We don’t do any of that anymore and now you just seem obsessed with getting a mortgage and you know I don’t believe in all that old-school finance bullshit.” I didn’t mean the words to come out as harshly as they sounded but it was all true.

“It’s not bullshit B, it’s just how things work. It’s time to fucking grow up! Of course I still want us to have adventures together but I also want a family. We used to talk about that all the time too, you know? We used to talk about what we’d call our kids, and kids need a home not just a fucking rucksack.”

She walked across the flat to the little sink in the kitchenette. I thought she was going to get some water or something, but she just stood there with her back to me. I watched her shoulders rise and fall, I could tell she was breathing deeply, trying not to lose her shit again. I just felt tired. We’d gone over this ground so often now – not just this evening but every few days for the last month or so. The fact was that whenever we weren’t busy with something else, this was where we ended up. The same conversational cul-de-sac. I just wanted to sleep.

“Do we really need to drag ourselves through this again, love?” I’d meant it to sound affectionate, but from the way the muscles in her back tightened I could tell it had just made her angrier.

“What else are we going to do B? We’ve got to fucking talk about it! How else do we work this out?”

“We just want different things, love. You want to settle down and I don’t. Can’t maybe. It’s just not in my nature, I need the space to breathe, to be in the flow of things. I feel like I’ve stood still too long as it is.”

“Is that what our relationship is to you? Standing still?! I’m sorry I’m such a drag!”

“Don’t be like that. I didn’t mean you.”

“Who then? What?!” She’d started crying again. “I’m a bloody free spirit too B, it’s just not all I am! You might be happy having no idea where you came from or where you’re going, but I want to know. I want to make plans. What’s so bloody wrong with making a plan once in a while?! Or enjoying life without dashing off to the next thing, the next place.”

“I’ve got history.” I say, hearing the defensiveness in my voice. Not liking it. I feel my own tears rising again.

“Then why, for fuck’s sake, can’t we fucking talk about it?!”

Act 4

1: Hello, Bitcoin helpline, how can I be of service today?

2: Err, hi. This might sound like an odd question – sorry my name is Jen, I forgot to say that, my name’s Jen.

1: Nice to meet you Jen.

2: Thanks, yes, erm, you too. I wonder if you can help me, I wanted to know where bitcoin came from. I’ve got some, but it feels weird not knowing what it is really! Can you explain it to me?

1: Bitcoin is a decentralized and radically democratized monetary system.

2: OK, yes, I know that, I’ve read it on the webpage, I just don’t understand what that really means. Who created it... why does it have value? I’m sorry, I know this might seem strange, these questions, when I have some, but I inherited it from my grandfather so it’s not something I’ve bought into myself. Can you tell me more about what Bitcoin is and where it came from?

1: Bitcoin is a decentralized and radically democratized monetary system.

2: Is this a bot I’m speaking to? I thought this was a proper helpline. Isn’t there a person I can speak to? A real person?

1: I am real, and I really want to help you. How can I be of service today?

2: I feel like I’ve explained that already: What is bitcoin and where does it come from? Why does it have value?

1: Bitcoin is a decentralized and radically democratized monetary system.

2: Oh crap.

[Click]

Act 5

Bitcoin was born on a ranch in Idaho at the turn of the century

Bitcoin was born out of the fires of Hell!

Bitcoin was born from a love of freedom

Bitcoin was born a poet and philosopher but had to learn to speak before she could express her unique worldview

Bitcoin was born with a silver spoon in his mouth

Bitcoin was born in the gutter

Bitcoin was born on the 25th November 1985

Bitcoin was born in the diseased mind of a maniac

Bitcoin was born to free all of us from the chains of capitalist dogma

Bitcoin was born on a Dragon 32 home computer and recorded onto a cassette tape

Bitcoin was born out of a joke in the pub, late on a Thursday night

Bitcoin was born from the genius of friends working together to change the world

Bitcoin was born to trap us in a cage of our own making

Bitcoin was born, lived, and died in a small village in Kerala, India

Bitcoin was born out of frustration

Bitcoin was born out of joy

Bitcoin was born out of wedlock

Bitcoin was born out of an egg, a golden egg, on a small island in the Mediterranean

Bitcoin was born from some code found in a spaceship in Roswell, New Mexico

Bitcoin was born in an accidental error while a low-level developer was tweaking the source-code on Microsoft Excel in preparation for the Millennium #oops

Bitcoin was born Satoshi Nakamoto, but that’s not his real name

Bitcoin was born in the mind of a misunderstood genius who is now richer than Bezos

Bitcoin was born in this world but not of it

Bitcoin was born and made some people rich

Bitcoin was born and made some people poor

Bitcoin was born.

Now what?