My Love/Hate Relationship with Crocs

Is there anything fuglier than Crocs? I mean, please, why would anyone want to be caught dead or alive wearing a pair of colorful rubber clown shoes that are stamped with "breathing" holes on the top and – wait for it – a functional/chic slingback strap?

I know, I know. I’m being super critical here. Crocs are reputedly a super comfy shoe choice for those valiant souls who are upright on their feet all day. Having been a barista for years, I applaud and appreciate (truly, I do) the noble service of anyone who stands for eight hours a day (it's not for wimps) . . . but in Crocs?

My chiropractor even recommended Crocs as being a good house shoe. Did I buy a pair? Heck, yes. But you know it’s really bad when you kinda hope that your sweet new rescue puppy who traveled here all the way from Texas absconds with them to the far reaches of her poop pen . . . and, yes, chews them up - enabling me to be rid of them once and forever, amen. They would, at the very least, be put out of their misery.

I'm feeling a country music tune coming on. "My Crocs be dead and gone. The dawg keeps a'poopin' and my feet keep a'mopin' for my Crocs." Am I hearing a rejuvenating key change in the background? ". . . and they lived to pick the pen again."

Truth, I wouldn't want to have wasted my hard-earned cash on such an expensive pair of chew toys. Still, I would no longer be committing fashion suicide every time I go out to pick up poo in Arrow’s dog run.

My own personal pair of Crocs? Unfortunately, they are not allowed in the house. They have been so devastated by the perils of picking the pen that they have been permanently relegated to the back deck. [Allow me to suggest that Crocs produce a “smooth-soled” pair for those of us who only use them for pen picking.]

Here are 10 obvious things about Crocs:

10. They are super fugly. Can I get an amen?

9. They can be bought in different colors – affording the sense of some individuality.

8. Did you know that you can put Crocs in the top rack of your dishwasher? At least, this is what my chiropractor told me. What shoes can boast such a benefit? I cannot begin to imagine putting my beloved Fluevogs through a cycle in the dishwasher. They, and I with them, would be destroyed.

[And before you leap to any assumptions: I do not put my Personalized Pen Pickers through a cycle in our dishwasher. I mean, gross.]

7. You can personalize Crocs with ornamental charms that pop into the holes. I can see where this might be fun. And a tiny tad tacky.

6. You can buy Crocs with toasty liners that will become dirty, dusty, speckled with leaf matter and forest detritus, and impossible to clean.

5. Back to being on Poop Brigade: Let me reiterate that Crocs are fantastically great to slip into for the purpose of picking up puppy poop.

4. I am running out of things that are obvious and wonderful about Crocs - which is why I keep writing about dog poop.

3. Someone, anyone, help me. Ideas?

2. Oh, the person who invented them is a brilliant and lucky visionary, and I want to become one of their natural-born heirs.

1. They are super fugly. I think I already said this.

Thank you, Croc makers, for giving me, the shoe diva, a brand of footwear that negates any sort of attachment. I really don’t care if they get put to the test and are found wanting. I can always drown them in white vinegar and then bury them in kitty litter. You can't do this with a pair of Frye boots, am I right?

There is a place and a time for everything under the sun. And come rain or shine, I will be out in my Crocs, feeling all funky, fugly, and fine.