How to Buy a $500 Dress, and Convince Yourself to Keep It.

With the price of everything going up you’d think people would be more careful with their hard earned cash. So did I - until I woke up from a nap and found a gorgeous midi dress, wrapped in tissue paper with a $500 receipt lying on top of it. A quick peek into my bank account and…yep, shit I bought it.

As someone who prides themself with being frugal, a $500 dress (plus tax because I’m in Canada) is a ridiculous sum for something so frivolous. But instead of immediately returning it, as any sane person would, I found myself keeping it.

How did this happen? “Easily,” would be my answer, and in 4 short steps I can show you how you can do the same.

Step 1 - Find a Store Above Your Pay Grade

In my case that would be Ted Baker.

Now, what you need to know about Ted Baker is that you don’t go in there looking for something fast and disposable. No, you go into a Ted Baker for a core or statement piece, something that would either cinch your wardrobe together or make it pop. Either way, whatever you buy is supposed to last you at least 5-10 years of semi-regular use, provided you take good care of it.

Then again you can walk into a Ted Baker thinking you’re only there to window shop and play dress up until you find a designer dress with pockets.

And not just any pockets. Proper pockets. The kind you wish designers would sew into ladies jeans. Those pockets alone are worth at least $100.

But was the dress worth the extra $400? After a kind store assistant suggested I try it on and provided heels to go with it…I could see why. And after walking out of the changing room to the floor-to-ceiling windows and to the admiration of the store staff, they could see it too.

But I was wise. More importantly I was sober, and, dear reader, I suggest you be the same. Because when you walk out looking like a million bucks and knowing it would only cost you $500, you’d think it’s a damn good deal too. But there are still more steps in this process and you need time to weigh the pros and cons. You need to find a place to think and an ear to listen and bounce ideas off. This may be your friends. This may be your SO. Either way you find a place to confer with them, which leads to:

Step 2 - Drink Alcohol

Let’s face it, you’ve already thought about the dress sober. It’s time to give your wilder side a chance to do the same. Don’t forget to mention the pockets when you’re with your friends and/or SO and how you were able to fit your whole hand and phone in together. They are bound to see the value in that!

Now, you can be classy about it and sip cocktails at a bar. Or you can be me and drink half a bottle of wine while sitting in a public park.

In my defense I was on a picnic date with my SO and the wine we got was the corked kind. That meant no screwing it and saving it for later.

Since I didn’t drink the full bottle I was still cognizant enough to think about the dress and how beautiful I looked in it. Hopefully, dear reader, your mind isn’t so muddled that you couldn’t do the same. That’s because you need to move on to the next step of this process:

Step 3 - Try it on Drunk

But not too drunk that if you were to vomit in the store you could never pay anything back. Just tipsy enough to be happy and walk without assistance. Your friends or SO would be there of course. After you’ve gone on and on about the dress they at least need to see what all the fuss is about. And don’t forget to call the staff that helped you the first time. They’re just as responsible as you are for what will happen next.

When you try it on again, be sure to walk out of the changing room to the “oohs” and “aahs” of everyone and show them omg-see-I-told-you-it-has-pockets! And once everyone with their tipsy eyes agree you look fantastic, loudly declare in the middle of the store that you just have to buy it.

Optional: Forget where your changing room is and open up all the change rooms regardless of whether they are occupied or not. Don’t forget to apologize if someone screams. Tell them you had some wine (or drink of choice) and they’ll understand. That’s what I did.

Step 4 - Buy It

You saw it, you liked it, you want it, you (hopefully) got it!

For this part you need a card that won’t decline because that would be embarrassing and this would be as far as you would go (unless you have generous friends or a really indulgent SO). I didn’t have that problem so I didn’t have to ask.

When you finalize your purchase be sure to inquire, or have someone else inquire, about any return policies the store may have. In my case I had 14 days to return the dress so long as I still had the original receipt and the original tags were not removed. Then, if you managed to behave in a way that allows you to walk without store or mall security, thank everyone as loudly as you could and toddle out before anyone could stop you.

That is how you buy a $500 dress. But there’s always a morning after and once you realize what you’ve done you may be wondering what to do with it. Before you panic and do something rash, like return it, may I suggest you ask yourself the following questions:

1. Do I still love this dress?

Key word in this question is love. You can like something for $20, but not for $500. (unless your tax bracket allows you to. In which case I suggest you 10x the value of the dress in question and read this article again with that in mind). To help answer this question I suggest you put it on and give yourself a twirl. This would be your second time trying it on while sober and since you loved it the first time, and for the sake of this article, let’s assume your answer is yes and move on to question 2.

2. Do I have shoes for this dress?

This is where it gets a little tricky. If you’re the kind of person who has shoes for every occasion you have nothing to worry about. But if you’re like me and only have runners and strappy sandals you might get discouraged and -gasp- return the dress. Before you do, I suggest you ask yourself question 2a.

2a. Do I want to get shoes for this dress?

This is where you remember the heels the helpful store associate provided you with when you tried it on. Didn’t they just make the outfit pop? Of course they did but you don’t need to get the ones the store provided. After buying such an expensive dress you’re pretty sure you can find a similar pair at a fraction of the price. This brings us to our final question.

3. Did I pay my rent?

Replace “rent” with whatever debt that most concerns you and the question is still valid. If your answer to this question is “yes,” then you are in the clear. If, however, your answer is “no,” well…

Remember that return policy you and your friends/SO asked about. I’m afraid this is where it comes in handy. Hopefully you didn’t take off the tags or lose the receipt somewhere between the store and your home. That being said you can still take the grace period of the return policy to “gently” wear it a few times. Just make sure don’t damage the threads or sweat too much so as to have it smell a little too much like you.

Or you could be like me and forget about the return policy until the date has passed. In that case you’ll need to mark your calendar for all the fall and winter occasions where you’ll be able to wear it and reduce your CPU (Cost Per Use). To reduce it further, wear it around the house when you’re feeling pretty, or when you’re writing an article about buying a $500 dress. Totally valid option.

Just make sure you don’t spill a tipple on it so that it can last for at least 5-10 years.

If this article amused you, please like and comment below with your own drunk purchase.

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Thank you for lingering.