Entry No. 11

These shoes ruined my closet, ruined my wardrobe, and ruined my life.

They're Guess cerulean pumps with a leopard print interior that I thrifted for $16.

I bet you want to know why they ruined everything. Well, I've said before that I'm very careful about my color palette. I'm very careful about my neutrals, and I'm very careful about my colors. I bought them because I fell in love with them, and as soon as I got home, I realized I didn't own a single thing in this color. I'm not blue-eyed. Yes, you don't have to be blue-eyed to enjoy this color, but it's also simply not a good practice to pick up everything that you see that is pretty, or cute, or fun, or looks good on someone else. Having a functional wardrobe takes discipline, and I didn't have that when I bought these shoes.

In order to wear these shoes, I have purchased the following items:

1. A vivid green and royal blue satin wrap dress that will not stay closed no matter what I do.

2. A pleated satin royal blue skirt to wear under the wrap dress. It's floor-length, so I wear it over my chest like a strapless dress before I put on the green and blue wrap dress. That gets it off the ground, and it hits me just a little under the knee. It's mostly invisible... Until I sit down. Then it all comes out like a Limp Bizkit song.

3. A blue and white satin scarf.

4. A second blue and white satin scarf because the first one turned out to be the wrong color. The second one turned out to be the wrong color, too.

And every time I walk into a store, I'll start looking for a piece of blue clothing that will look good with those freakin' high heels. You would not believe the garments that are made with this color. I never find anything that scratches my itch or would fit my body.

Occasionally, I get this idea that a belt would save me. If I could find a belt that was exactly the right color, I would be free.

I'm kidding. I'm never going to be free. If I hadn't put so much effort into the green and blue dress, I would ask someone who loves me to come over with a pillowcase, go into my closet, and remove the cerulean Guess high heels with the leopard interior like they were taking out a dead body. I don't need them to be cremated, but I need to know they're not in my house anymore.

And that I'm not going to run into them at a thrift store.

And that I'm not going to run into them at a fashion show.

And that I'm not going to see one of my friends wearing them.

And that I didn't foist them onto my daughter, who doesn't do well in that kind of high heel. Did you know that that kind of shoe, a high heel, without any straps, is the hardest to walk in? They tell me that, the shoe people, and I like hearing it. I like it because I think they're easier to walk in than the open-toed shoes, or the flip-flops, or the sandals that put a loop over your big toe.

It's all fanciful anyway because I did find the green and blue dress. It's not pretty when I wear it. If I want to be pretty, I have to slide to a different curve on the color wheel. But it's commanding. Green isn't one of my better colors either. I do not even own a pair of green high heels. Can you believe that? I should be praising myself for my self-control, but I do Google searches for green high heels all the time.