Bike Short Must Be Banned!

Let’s be clear and direct for cause and effect; because a Kardashian stepped out sporting a shorty fashion doesn’t mean you need to grab the passion. Bike shorts worn for a specific purpose, I get, but to wear them with heels provokes no appeal but instead a disgust I can’t conceal.

“They’re comfortable,” you say and that trumps all, but remember stretch pants are much better, protect more, and aren’t associated with working up a sweat. And why would you wear tight shorts with a coat and a hoodie? A walking anachronism, from an 80’s fashion blunder inviting sarcasm, behind the back sneers, and creeps are staring at your booty.

Wear this in another life perhaps?

Funny me, I like wearing bike shorts when I’m on a long bike ride. The padding, the cool lycra, and chamois cushioning my seat are great for riding purposes but wearing them out on the town meshed with fancy dress make it look like my fashion etiquette derived from the circus.

It’s 2021 and analyzing data is the trend. Weighing out the pros and cons concerning bike shorts as a fashion will help us understand our decision. We can do it with careful thought and expert opinion. Fashionista scientists involved in compiling this data shall remain anonymous.

Bike Shorts Fashion Yea or Nay

Close-fitting shear outerwear can provide comfort and benefits we can’t get with our looser garments. They reduce wind resistance, and who wouldn’t want sleek performance when you’re dressed to kill and out on the town? But is our purpose, when donning bike shorts, to have cocktails or browse through vegan yogurts at the local Whole Foods Market?

Don’t be absurd. Of course, it’s not necessary or called for to wear hip-hugging, ass-snugging, waist-choking shorties anywhere accept a sweat-inducing activity.

Do I hear cries of, “Don’t limit my expression! Don’t step on my choices.” Oh, ye afflicted—Ye overprivileged brats. Get your head out of your crass! Or, should I say ass cracks?

Not!

This fashion faux pas cannot go on.

And you know when you slip that elastic waistband over your naked, it’s supposed to fit tight. You can roll them down, but that just wouldn’t look right, certainly not with your high heels and trim jacket.

You say, “Well, mine has a drawstring and adjustable waist,” but you won’t get away with those and be in good taste. Then there’s the issue the snug fit may cause. The one embarrassing, unstoppable feature sneaking up which will give everyone close an awkward pause.

The secret bikers don’t talk about but learn if you wear bike shorts, don’t eat too many beans or much food before, or your but cheeks will flap and may even burn. Yes, flatulence, farts are probable, you see. Your gut is being squeezed, squeezed, squeezed.

Be careful, you fashionistas, because, in your showy display, you may produce an unsavory cheese. With such a close layer next to your bare ass breaking wind has fewer layers to surface. Weird noises and odd smells can result far from your undesirable, stylish purpose.

Not today, not ever!

Positives With a Catch

However, for you with inner thighs so muscular and bodacious, your bike shorts will give you frictionless ease. They will tighten your look though it’s plain down-dog ugly and not preferable in the cold or during a winter freeze. And the compression squeezes your badonkadonk, great endurance when your shopping in the mall but not so hot on the catwalk breeze.

We can admit less clothing can be a relief but not when you need to accessorize and cover-up because your unsightly shorts are stars on the fugly shortlist. Lack of comfort is built-in, these performance gear under-outerwear will elicit a big:

“Uh-uh! Not today,” everywhere. Keep your bike shorts in the exercise wear drawer and not for a fashion outing, not even on a dare.

But, let’s say you chance it, and you’re out for some fun, wrapped skintight in shorties meeting friends for drinks, dinner, and shots of rum. Don’t sit down; heed the warning because your comfort will flee. Your genitals will get pinched, the bike shorts material bunched, choking, and restricting. Don’t be alarmed if the chamois underneath bunches up in a ball and shoves in a sensitive area you might need help to retrieve.

The conclusion is simple, the results are precise.

Worry not, the data has shown us the best answer is to keep things simple. Wear your bike shorts when you need them for physical activities, not for a fashion statement. Let’s watch this trend fade away fast and send the fad right to the basement.

Yes! Fashionable.