The Underdog

I guess the role I’m most known for is Underdog. I know what you’re thinking, “Another Beagle playing Underdog, we’re over it!” and I felt the same way.

I always thought that German Shepherd from Max would’ve taken the character in a different direction. Besides the whole super-pet genre seemed so passé. I had done some comedic roles in the past like Fart Startled and Wags to riches, but I wanted to be known for my dramatic roles like Mopey in Cone of Shame and Bad Dog in the Who peed on the rug? series.

I never considered throwing my name in the hat for the re-launch of Underdog until my agent asked me to read the script. He called me up onto the couch one day.

“Hank, baby. How’s my favorite pooch?”

“You never call me that unless you want something.”

Lou Spaghetti dismissed this remark with a wave of his hand and a chuckle.

“I’ve got a script here you’re gonna LOVE! The snacking scenes alone are going to change cinema forever.”

“What’s it called?” I cautiously asked trying to seem disinterested.

“It’s the new Underdog picture.” He coolly replied rapidly raising his eyebrows like only a sleazy Hollywood casting agent could.

“Lou, I appreciate it and everything but…”

“But you’re into the more serious roles, I get it!” He interrupted. “But Hanky this isn’t your Grandpappy’s Underdog. This is going to be dark and gritty and visceral. An origin story that shows Underdog’s versatility and who better to play him than a versatile doggie?”

“It’s interesting sure, but I heard they were going to re-cast Underdog with a different breed and…”

“And what? Make him less cute?!” Lou interrupted me again I could tell he was getting excited.

“They’ve done focus groups Hank, the fans still want that cute innocent beagle head tilt for Shoeshine Boy, Underdog’s alter ego. But when he becomes Underdog…” Lou Spaghetti’s chest filled with air, and he did a pantomime of a flexing circus strongman. “When he becomes Underdog, they want him to be like the puppy from Tennis shoe massacre.” He paused and looked at me with a calm coolness.

“But… I played the puppy from TSM.” I said my tail beginning to quiver with the urge to wag. Tennis Shoe Massacre was a low budget film that had come out before I started lifting my leg to urinate. Low and behold it gained a huge cult following for its shocking realism and extreme cuteness. It catapulted my career.

“The studio’s words not mine.” Said Lou bringing me back to the present. “But you’re right, the studio did want to go with a different breed, so I says to them I says you wouldn’t cast a Chihuahua to play Scooby-Doo and you wouldn’t cast a Great Dane for a Taco Bell commercial!”

“You didn’t?!” I exclaimed laughing and wagging my tail with delight.

“Oh, I did. I says to them Underdog needs to be a beagle and if you want him to be like the puppy from TSM then I have got the dog for you, end of discussion.” He said patting me on the head.

“Wow Lou, that’s terrific” I spoke but suddenly scratched my ear three times and began to lick my own butt. It was a power move I liked to make in these situations letting whomever I was dealing with know that I was easily distracted and could walk away at any minute. “What kind of green are we talking here?”

“The contract would be for a box of Greenies to be distributed over the span of one month.”

“Original flavor, small size?”

“Oh yeah.”

“Damn that is a good offer.” I had to admit it was. This deal started to sound sweeter by the minute. I’d get to play my favorite super-pet character of all time in a serious and believable manner, and I’d get compensated well for it. If the script was as good as Lou Spaghetti said, then maybe there would be a film festival tour and an awards show. The snacks they give at those awards shows are unbelievable!

“One thing you gotta know Hanky.” Lou chimed in. “The execs at the studio made a short list of potential candidates. You’re on it, but as your agent of over ten years I thought you should know of the other potentials. The German Shepherd from Max is one."

“That bastard!” I spat although only moments before considered him to be a frontrunner for the role. “And who’s the other dog they’re considering?”

Lou took a deep breath and sighed it out. “The Golden Retriever from Air Bud.”

I felt my stomach sink and the feeling of my tail squirming between my legs. The Golden Retriever from Air Bud was like the World’s most perfect canine. He could play basketball for Dogssakes!

“But don’t you worry about him.” Lou soothed. “You just go read the script, try on the costume and get ready to wow them at the audition! I’m talkin’ maximum aww factor.”

“You know, Lou. I’m not a puppy anymore. I’m not that puppy from Tennis Shoe Massacre.” I paused for a moment seeking the right words. “Sure, I can still jump up on the bed and do all my own stunts. I can still do car chases where I'm chasing the cars. I’m just a bit slower.”

“You know what I love about you Hanky, is that no matter what you do, fast or slow or whatever. You do it with passion.”

Lou Spaghetti scratched behind my ears with a such fervor that my hind leg involuntarily began to claw at empty air. It felt good but only lasted for a moment. He stood up and walked to the sliding glass door opening his office to the outside world. The chilly late-October air rushed in along with the scent of burning leaves.

“Let’s go pee-pee.” He said.

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Hank/Underdog played by himself

Lou Spaghetti played by Kyle O’Reilly