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THE NINJA PUPPY DIARIES!

by Ross E Fortune Lombardi 2 years ago in dog
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PART 1

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THE NINJA PUPPY DIARIES!

PART 1

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19th October 2019

INTRODUCTION!

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WARNING!

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OUR HOUSE HAS BECOME INFESTED!

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OUR HOUSE HAS BEEN INFESTED WITH A PARASITE!

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The thing is black and hairy and sucks up physical resources and nutrients while polluting our home with its disgusting mess!

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The emotional impact on me and the kids has been quite profound and extreme!

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It has already cost our household budget at least £150 and is certain to cost us a lot more in future!

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If you still decide to ever visit then be warned that you may accidentally end up coming into contact with it!

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YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

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Because of this, we have to see a medical specialist next Wednesday!

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If I can somehow get a photo of it, I will post it, so you lot can try and identify it for us!

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The parasites name in Ninja

(Formally Hunter!)

and we all love him lots!!.

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21st October 2019

EMPTY PUPPY PROMISES!

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On a very wet and cold, northeast UK October!

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The empty promises your make your puppy during toilet training!

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You are outside, treat rewards in hand, and trying to toilet train your puppy.

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5 mins in,

If you earn your treat by having a toilet we can go back in the warm!

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10 mins in

If you earn your treat by having a toilet we can go back in the warm!

AND

I will let you chase the Cat!

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15 mins in

If you earn your treat by having a toilet we can go back in the warm!

AND

I will let you eat the Cat!

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20 mins in,

If you earn your treat by having a toilet we can go back in the warm!

AND

I will freshly prepare and cook the Cat and serve it to you on a silver tray!

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25 mins in,

If you earn your treat by having a toilet we can go back in the warm!

AND

I will work tirelessly towards the building of a Star Wars-style Death Star so you can find and blow up a planet ruled by Cats!

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30 mins in,

(Treats still in my now turning blue, hand,)

If you earn your treat by having a toilet we can go back in the warm!

AND

Because you tried to test me. I will also offer you a portion of my own liver, from within my own body with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

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45 mins in

(I can still see the Treats still in my hand, But I can no longer feel my fingers!)

Ok, you win puppy,

Let’s go back in!

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5 mins after getting into the warm!

The Puppy has a poo in the corner of the house.

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Even though the food is exactly the same as yesterday.

For some unknown reason, THIS poo is extra messy, smelly and gross.

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Almost as if the puppy has done it on purpose as a sign of defiance against his evil human overlord, and all his empty promises!

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CONCLUSION!

The Puppy is a tad smarter than I am!

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24th Oct 2019

DO YOU WANT TO PLAY AN AUTUMN GAME?

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Obviously, a responsible dog owner will take their beloved pet for 2 hefty walks a day, For exercise and poops!

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I have every intention of being such a dog owner!

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HOWEVER...

Until Ninja Puppy has had all his shots, he can not yet go out in public.

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So the poor thing has to be limited for another 4 weeks to our backyard.

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But not to worry,

Our yard is large enough to still be interesting to a small puppy.

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And it is now Autumn with plenty of fun leaves scattering along the ground of my back yard!

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This leads to the super fun (not) puppy owners very special autumn game!

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I did not invent this game.

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It as game as ancient as the first time an owner, a puppy and some Aumunm leaves ever go together in the same place!

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I do not know what its original name is,

but I have christened it!

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"Is that a leaf?"

"Or is that Not a Leaf?"

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How to play.

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The rules are simple.

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Having done the unthinkable, and blinked to keep your eyeballs moist,

You now (Plastic bag in hand) have to prod various suspicious brown lumps with the very tip of your foot, and try to judge.

"Is that a leaf!"

"Or is that Not a Leaf?"

"Is it Puppy Poop?"

"Or is that Not Puppy Poop?"

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As fun as entertaining as this game may be,

I do know my limits.

I will not be playing the...

"Is that a leaf?"

"Or is that Not a Leaf?"

"ATOMIC EXTREME VERSION FOR REAL MEN!"

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Because I am obviously not Man Enough to play that!

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The game is exactly the same as the regular version but instead of prodding with your toe you instead use the tip of your tongue!

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2nd March 2020

Falling out of love with my own dog!

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Allot of what I am about to say, "Might" (But I am not certain) just be the anger talking.

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I "Might" (But I am not certain) feel different once I cool down.

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But for now,

I am no longer sure I love my Dog anymore!

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For a while now we have had a problem with Nijas Puppies OBSESSION with trying to play with other dogs.

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While some owners are welcoming, others are less so.

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Even if he has played with a certain dog before, I always feel it is common decency to check if it is ok with the owner first.

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He used to see a dog in the distance and run off to it to say hello.

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And which is BAD!

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IT IS VERY BAD!

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So we started training him.

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And for a while, Ninja Puppy was progressing nicely with returning to be put on the lead,

Nijas puppy would then get a treat for returning.

Then I'd approach the owner and aks if they could play and if the answer was 'yes'.

Then obviously they would play.

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If the answer was 'No' then, then I'd wish them well and be on my way.

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When that owner was far enough away Id let Ninja Puppy off his lead and exercise him with a toy.

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And if another dog appeared in the distance then we would repeat the procedure.

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This walk,

This afternoon

On Redcar beach

At about between 3pm and 5pm,

DID NOT GO WELL!

IT DID NOT GO WELL AT ALL!

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As usual, we were playing on the Redcar beach,

I was looking forward to this most of the day.

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And this time as usual,

Another dog and their owner appeared in the distance.

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But this was the far, Far, FAR distance this time.

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Ninja Dog raced to this unknown strange dog.

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I shouted out at him.

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I was surprised because normally a strange dog would have to be a lot closer for him to act like that.

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As usual, I shouted,

"Ninja Stop!"

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An unlike normally when hed stops and come back to be put on his lead.

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This time the LITTLE SHIT TOTALLY IGNORED ME!

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As he raced off,

I notice that the other dog was also off his lead.

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In my head I wished,

"If that dog is off his lead then maybe the owner won't be upset,"

"Maybe he has the type of dog that loves to play!"

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The owner, (a man about the same age) with his Border Collie stood still and waited for me to get to them.

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As I approached I could already see the owner was not happy and his dog was not happy either!

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I thought, well now I am here Nija Puppy will sit, and I will keep him on the lead for the rest of the walk after telling him off.

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THAT DID NOT HAPPEN!

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The little shit would dart way at the last minute each time I got close.

Then continued to hassle the poor Border Collie.

The Owner and his dog were getting even more upset (and rightly so)

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As the owner eventually,

Went from frustrated but understanding,

To agitated and near the end of his tether.

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It got to the point where he resorted to saying,

"I'm gonna launch it soon, now!"

Which basically means, he was going to resort to violence.

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I did not blame him,

He was totally in the right!

He has a nervous dog who he loved.

His dog was getting more and more upset and worried.

And his responsibility was to HIS dog NOT mine!

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I am pretty immune to Embarrassment.

I don't mind looking stupid,

Or acting stupid.

This is not because of a lack of self-respect, it is because of the exact opposite.

I am VERY arrogant.

I generally don't give a shit what others think.

Because to be honest, I don't like, respect, care or value anyone else opinions.

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This was one of the very few time I actually felt Embarrassed.

I am not used to feeling Embarrassed.

I did not like that feeling!

I did not like it at all!

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(And at the risk of sounding like a macho arse hole,)

(I was already angry!)

(If he had attacked my dog,)

(Things would have escalated both quickly and badly!)

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So partly out of frustration and partly because if the other man did lash out, he might have kicked Ninja Puppy as hard as he could, ( but I obviously wouldn't of! )

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I resorted to lashing out at MY OWN DOG!

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Lucking I missed, lost my balance and ended up rolling on the sand.

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The owner and his dog luckily managed to peel away from the situation.

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But the story does not end there!

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I knew that chasing Ninja Puppy was only allowing him to win because he felt being chased was great fun.

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So I spent over half an hour trying to coax him back to put the lead back on.

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And the Little Ninja Shit despite me being obviously angry, STILL kept trying to get me to play a chase game with him.

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IT GETS WORSE.

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Then from around the corner of The Regent Cinema, comes a couple with a ball and a female toddler.

I know for a fact that Ninja Dog IS safe with children,

He loves children!

And because the centre of his universe is my 10-year-old daughter, he especially loves little girls!

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BUT THE PARENTS OF THIS TODDLER CAN NOT POSSIBLE KNOW THAT!

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All they see is a strange back dog making a B-line for their child.

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Unlike the Border Collie owner, if the parents had badly hurt My dog, I would totally have let them!

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I would not have blamed them.

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I would not have physically defended my dog,

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They are protecting their child!

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Not just a family pet!

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As far as I was concerned they had a free licenced to use lethal force against my dog.

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I also knew if I ran after my dog, that it would make things worse!

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Luckily I had enough self-control to stand my ground and shout at Ninja Puppy instead of chasing him!

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Because I stood my ground he hesitated when he realised I was not following him.

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He then stopped in mid charge!

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He did run in a few circles around the family but he did not engage them directly!

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I was no longer merely embarrassed.

I was mortified!

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There followed yet another half hour of the stupid fucking mutt staying just out of my reach!

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I considered my options.

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Either

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A)

He eventually lets me put the lead on and we go home.

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OR.

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B)

I abandon him here.

Go home.

Call the police and turn my self in for whatever sentence or fines were due.

And consider my relationship with my children and possibly my wife permanently damaged forever!

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I set a personal time limit for one more hour then I would abandon Ninja Puppy and take any consequences due!

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Luckily, he came back before the deadline ran out!

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I may NEVER let this shit off his lead EVER again!

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EVER!

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dog

About the author

Ross E Fortune Lombardi

Writer. Gamer, Goth

A (Constantly Failing To Be Funny) satirist!

[email protected]

Mutare non est meum

Cantus moriar

BLOG:

http://lombot.co.uk

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