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The Happy Tortoise

by Lindsay Rae about a year ago in exotic pets · updated about a year ago
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top tips for the tort in your life

Are you tired of your tortoise lazing about the house?

Do you wish your shelled companion radiated success and happiness?

Does your favorite reptile stare longingly out the window in the rain while listening to Evanescence, yearning for days gone by?

Well, we have the solution for you!

Join The Happy Tortoise!

The community for tortoise lovers everywhere!

Our tortoise experts know exactly how it feels to have a pet tortoise who is down in the dumps. There's nothing worse. It's even worse than someone licking the sauce from your sundae, taking a toy from your toddler, or throwing out your most comfortable pair of underwear.

Seriously, those were irreplaceable.

Don't panic! We're going to turn those tortoise frowns upside down!

Sign up for The Happy Tortoise!

Subscribe for only $29.99 to receive one year's worth of monthly newsletters. Included in each newsletter is a helpful tip or trick on how to keep your tortoise happy and optimize their care.

With our help you, too, will have a Happy Tortoise!

Doug: A Case Study

Doug came into our lives at the young age of six years old. He was small for his age, shy, nervous about making friends. He soon warmed up to us, as long as we fed him treats and rubbed his head. But there was one thing missing.

Doug was a sad tortoise. He moped around all day. He didn't laugh at any of my jokes. And he wouldn't even do his chores (seriously, I don't ask for much).

It was time for an intervention.

Step One

For your tortoise to be happy, first he needs to be well cared for. Doug is a Sulcata tortoise, which means he eats mostly grasses. Sulcatas cannot digest very much protein or sugar, so it needs to be fed to them sparingly. But he can have the occasional treat. Broccoli stems, vegetable trimmings, and carrots make great treats. And they're fun to watch them eat! Kids from all over the neighbourhood love to come watch Doug munch away on grass or veggies.

Just don't get drunk and try feeding him a carrot, because he may mistake your finger for a crunchy treat. Trust me, I know this from experience.

Step Two

As a desert species, he doesn't need much water. But he does need some! It's important to water your tortoise weekly. When your tortoise is very young, he will need to soak in a lukewarm bath a few times a week. As he gets older, and bigger (much, much bigger) you can move him into the tub, and then just rinse him off with the hose. He gets most of his moisture from the grasses and veggie scraps he eats.

Step Three

With those pesky things like food and water out of the way, now we can focus on really making Doug happy. Tortoises love snuggling! Give that tort a big old hug and show him how much you care. Also on the list of top things they love are head rubs and shell scratches. Yes! They can feel their shells. No, you should not drill holes in their shells. Apparently some people thought that was a good idea, but it is not have you have a happy tortoise.

Step Four

Tortoises love getting booped. The nose is a good place to start. Anyone can boop a tortoise, but for expert boopage, locate a tiny human. Here we have a tiny human demonstrating the nose boop on Doug.

Step Five

Throw your tortoise a party! Tortoises are party animals and need to have regular shindigs to shake their booties. Can you really be happy without regular booty shaking? I think not!

Just a little liquid courage, nothing to see here...


Doug is now a happy tortoise. We got him a special hat to celebrate. Just look at that smile!

Do YOU want to have a happy tortoise, too???

Now you see the proof that our experts know exactly what it takes to make tortoises happy! You, too, can have a tortoise full of giggles and grins. But there's plenty more where that came from! For only $29.99 you can have this wisdom sent straight to your inbox every month!

Your tortoise will be so happy it will even make love to footwear.

But Wait! There's More!

Sign up TODAY and receive a free gift!

Included in your membership, for a limited time only, we will include 101 facts about Opossums!

The first opossum fact is on us!

When opossums play dead, they secrete a smelly odor from their anus to really sell the performance. Wow!

So if you're ready to fill your inbox with happy tortoise goodness, PLUS receive this limited time offer of 101 opossum facts, then click subscribe now!

Click HERE to Join the Happy Tortoise!

Follow me on Twitter for more nonsense!

exotic pets

About the author

Lindsay Rae

Sometimes I'm funny. Follow me on Twitter! @LindsayRaeWrit1

My debut novel comes out this August! Read the first chapter here:

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