Suicide by CAT

What if your cat was out to murder you, and you didn't know it? I swear that was the case with my two cats this particular day.

I woke up just like every morning, to my tuxedo yowling at the top of his lungs for breakfast. I get up, take my daily medication, brush my hair put it up in a ponytail then I make time to love on both boys before I meander into the kitchen and get them their breakfast which consists of a small spoon of tuna to each in their own bowls. However, on this particular morning they both decided that I should die today apparently.

I wasn't moving fast enough for the tuxedo, so he jumps on my chest, hisses at me at swats my face with extended claws, rips a gash across my nose, barely missing my eye! " Ouch! What the fuck!" I exclaim as I push him very quickly onto the floor. He hisses again and runs away.

then the black cat literally trips me as I am walking to the bathroom, I fall and nearly split my face open on the edge of the door! good thing I automatically put my hand out to stop the fall, "What the hell is wrong with you two this morning?" I ask out loud as I get to my feet. I brush it off, and I finally make it to the kitchen, and as I am getting the tuna out of the refrigerator, they start fighting, fall into the door and slam it into my back, and half of the door condiments fall onto me and all over the floor, I finally get pissed and scream "KNOCK IT OFF ASSHOLES!", and they scramble to different parts of the house in fear. Now that I have been brought out of my slumber on the completely wrong side of the friggin' bed, I am in a shitty mood but I get the bastard children their food, throw the bowls on the floor and move on to one of the most amazing hot beverages ever invented...coffee! I put a splash of French Vanilla almond milk and a teaspoon of fake sugar, sit down and open up my email while they are scarfing down breakfast. I forgot that I needed to make the bed, so I get up to walk back to the bedroom, and the tuxedo is playing with a tennis ball, attacking and kicking it with his back feet like it's a predator, when he lets the ball roll right under my right foot, I step on the ball, my foot rolls over the ball, I lose my footing and as I start to go down, I grab onto the cat tree and bring it down on top of me! Thank God our apartment is small, because the cat tree actually landed on the cabinet in the corner instead of me. Unfortunately, I land in a splits position, and as the cat tree came down, I had to duck down very quickly, well wouldn't you know that put my back out! I am now stuck on the floor and can't move, so here I sit, can't move, my phone is on the kitchen counter and I can't reach it for help, so I had no choice, I had to push the cat tree up which just about killed me, and it took about 25 minutes and several attempts but I finally did it. Getting up out of the position I was in was a bit tougher. I finally get to my feet in tears, and make it over to the couch, sit down and realize...FUCK! I FORGOT TO GET MY DAMN PHONE!! Well, I decide to just stay where i am, and I realize that my heating pad is next to the couch, so I get that fixed behind me and turned on, I am finally getting some relief, so I brave the pain, get up to get some Motrin and my phone when suddenly the cats come screeching through the living room, and they both flip and slam into my feet, I step on the tuxedo, he attacks my leg biting, scratching and ripping me to shreds, again I fall forward into the hall cabinet, hitting my head on the counter and knocking myself out.

I have been awake for literally 3 hours, and things are not going well. I now have a broken back, my leg is bleeding and needs attention, plus my head is now bleeding and throbbing. I awaken on the floor with my best friend standing over me with the paramedics. One of the paramedics asked me if I was alright and I replied "NO, MY FUCKING CATS ARE TRYING TO KILL ME I SWEAR!" they were all trying not to laugh as I told them what had been going on that whole morning, and they decided to take me to the hospital and get me checked out and cleaned up. My bestie followed the ambulance to the hospital, I got X-rays to make sure my back and head were ok, all checked out fine. I was definitely going to feel this day for a long time. I have heard that it's every cat's intention to kill their owner, but I never believed it until now, I was almost afraid to go home, but I shook it off and had my bestie take me home. I looked like I had been in a car accident, bandaged head and leg, scratched face, and bruised all over, but nooo it was just my crazy cats doing what they do best...being murderous.

My husband got home around 3 and says "what happened to you?" I responded "the boys did their best to make me commit suicide today" he responded "suicide by CAT eh?" I just shook my head as to say yes, and we both began laughing hysterically!

(This story is partly true, but mostly fiction, I love my two boys and they are the sweetest boys in the world. They would never try to kill me...or would they?)