Suckerpunch

Peering behind the trunk of the big cherry tree, I tried to stay hidden in the tall grass so I wouldn’t be spotted by the mighty beast named Suckerpunch. Yes, that is his real name. No, I did not name him. Yes, it is a well-deserved name. He doesn’t belong to me, but I do live with him. He belongs to my best friend and roommate who was very naïve and believed the guy when he said “ Oh, he’ll stay small, not much bigger than this size”. Let me tell you, if ever you are buying a pet DO NOT take people at their word. I’ve learned this the hard way, many times. My friend, however, did not.

Suckerpunch used to have ity bity horns, come up to about my knee height, and drink milk from a bottle... it really was quite adorable. He loved to chase the kittens around the property, with his Vancouver Canucks hat backwards over his horns, while simultaneously eating any greenery he passed without skipping a beat. He was an impressive and frolicky little thing. Within the span of a year, he grew substantially, and could effortlessly toss me six feet in the air at a full run while being chased by a dog. Oh yeah, I felt that one. It was the funniest thing my friend had ever seen through tears of laughter apparently, but being a slender woman, I was not so impressed. That was a hard impact coming down, especially after the adrenaline ebbed away and I could feel those ribs out of place. I never blamed him for it, the way we figured, he was just trying to get help, or he was trying to get me to land on the dog…I’m still unsure as to which. I’d like to think he wanted me to help him but couldn’t slow down rather than him just trying to use my body as a weapon.

Flash forward to roughly 8 years later and the little knee basher turned into the mighty one goat demolition crew, now standing over six feet when he hops up on those back hooves. His horns have grown out to such a size that he’s taken out the walls of his house many times. He’s friendly but rambunctious, easily able to accidentally hurt somebody just by shaking his head. Those head pokeys come in handy sometimes and he will defend his territory, which was greatly appreciated the day the evil landlord had shown up without any notice and started rummaging through our shop. He had not realized that space was Sucker’s favorite napping spot and Sucker always had free roam of the property. The only time we "put him away" was when the landlords told us they would be stopping by, and we thought it would be easier to have him momentarily out of the way. Awaking this brilliant beast from his slumber to see strangers in his (basically) bedroom, he then proceeded to chase them from the shop all the way up the long driveway back to their brand-new Escalade and causing them to gouge their leather seats with a chainsaw they had grabbed from the shop. Karma? I like to think so.

Suckerpunch has always given me a good laugh, he’s a very amusing goat to have around. Just don’t have a beer or smoke around him unless you wanna throw down and my money is on him every time. Everybody who meets him loves him and we usually get told “I’ve never seen a goat so big!” to which we reply, “Neither have we!”, so it was astounding when the farrier told us she had seen bigger goats while tending to his hooves one day. There are bigger goats than this Hulk Horngan?!

With this guy being so friendly, you may be wondering why I’m hiding behind the big cherry tree to take this snapshot of our good buddy. Well, to put it simply, I didn’t want to get peed on. Did you know that goats pee on their faces and stick there lips out to attract females? Neither did I... and he seems to think this will work for any female of any species. My mom found that out the hard way during a visit. I warned her by hollering “Hey Ma, be careful, he pees on women because he wants to claim you”, my sister even heard me say it. Not two minutes later while my mom is talking, she stops and asks, “ Is it raining?” as she leaned over and wiped at her legs. She was confused by the roaring laughter escaping my sister and I, until she noticed that Suckerpunch was indeed peeing on himself and her, then pushing his lips towards her as if to say “ Hey baby! Come give me some lovin!”. Probably one of the best days ever, thank you Suckerpunch, for making me laugh almost everyday, you are definitely the most unique and amusing creature I’ve had the pleasure to share a home with. Just stay on that side of the tree please.