Putting My Dog to Sleep Was One of the Hardest Things I Ever Had to Do

On Friday, March 31st, 2017 I had my dog Root Beer put to sleep. We had made the appointment earlier in the week. My mom’s recent death not even two weeks prior was sudden and unexpected. With Root Beer, we had too much time to dread the final day.

I still can’t say which was worse.

Root Beer was a mix of a red-nosed doberman and pitbull. She was a big dog, over a hundred pounds when she was fully grown. She was absolutely beautiful, with a reddish-brown coat, long snout, great big golden eyes, and adorable eyebrow markings.

A dog her size usually lives to be 8, maybe 10 if they’re lucky. Root Beer lived to be 16. The vets always remarked on how we must have taken extraordinary care of her for her to live so long. I don’t think there was any great secret. She got the right amount of food, comfortable places to nap, long walks, and the adoration of all our friends.

I think she could have lived another two years. Her main problem was the severe arthritis in her back legs but that could have been treated with heavier dosages of her medicine. But the cancer in her snout was so sudden and aggressive, there wasn’t much we could do. The tumor we had removed came back in just a week. Breathing was difficult, and if we hadn’t made the decision to let her go, the end would have been brutal and torturous. I keep telling myself that we did the right thing. But I can’t stop thinking about how hard that last hour with her was, as she slowly fell asleep.

I remember how my stupid face hurt from all the crying so I had to do something else to keep myself distracted. I was an anime-loving weeaboo nerd so I took comfort in all things from Japan. I decided to emulate a very fancy lady from very long ago.

Sei Shonagon was a court lady in the Heian Period of Japan. Paper was a luxury, but she was given plenty for her to write on. She kept a sort of journal but it was more a collection of musings and observations. A lot of them were mean and catty towards other women of the court but many times she’d just write lists. Lists of things she thought were beautiful. Lists of things she thought were distasteful. Even though her Pillow Book seems like an ancient version of LiveJournal, it provided historians a lot of insight into court life back then.

I doubted my own list would enlighten any future historians, but Sei Shonagon wrote her lists for herself and so did I.

Things I Will Miss about Root Beer

Walks about the neighborhood and park. Always checking the shrub where she found half a rotisserie chicken that one time.

Being stared at when I hold a snack. Root Beer always tried to use telekinesis to make me drop it.

To wake up and leave the bedroom. Root Beer filled the dark, narrow hallway with her massive bulk, and it was up to me to carefully avoid stepping on her.

To be woken up five to thirty minutes before my alarm clock goes off by her loud, deep barks.

Stamping paws and tossing of her head in challenge. A dog wants to play.

To bring home a kitten and watch Root Beer follow it around like a concerned mother.

To bring home a puppy and have Root Beer absolutely despise it but learn to live with it.

Her ability to lie in any doorway, blocking my way every time.

To have her get in the way in the kitchen. She will always be there when I am cooking, hoping gravity goes wacky and sends something to the floor.

To have delivery men and solicitors come to my porch. Occasionally, a flicker of fear flashes across their faces when they hear her scary bark. Good job, dog.

To have my drink knocked over by her long, wagging tail.

To come home and look at my bedroom window. The tip of a snout is visible behind the blinds. Root Beer is in my bed and isn’t supposed to be. I call her name from outside and laugh as I hear her scramble off the bed.

To have her lick my chin. That is a Root Beer Kiss.

To have her lay her head on my lap and look up at me.

To have her look into my eyes as I talk to her.

To have her greet me at the door every time I come home.

This list could go on forever but I have to keep moving on with my life. I have another dog, Spaghetti, and she’ll need extra attention because she doesn’t understand what has happened to her life-long friend.

I don’t believe in much, but I believe in Dog Heaven. I have to.