Pangolin Powers: 100 dubious claims about the world’s only scaly mammal

1. Pangolins curl into a ball to protect themselves from predators and awkward social situations.

2. Pangolin tongues are longer than their bodies, when not in use they are curled up within their chest. Just like a human! (Other people have tongues like that, right?)

3. Avoid comparing a pangolin's scales to a reptile's scales, because they will give you a lengthy explanation of how the anatomy and configuration of their scales are very different.

4. There's no known way to defeat a werepangolin. Thankfully they're mostly harmless.

5. If consumed by humans, pangolin scales cause impotence.

6. Giant pangolins use their powerful front claws to bury their dead, in case they come back to life.

7. Pangolins have scales inside their stomach, which help them digest difficult meals such as turducken.

8. Pangolins are the most woke mammals.

9. Ground pangolin walk on their hind legs when imitating humans.

10. When threatened the tree pangolin’s anal scent glands disperse a foul secretion that smells like an alley in New York.

11. Indian pangolins live in burrows that are incredibly energy efficient.

12. Long-tailed pangolins have, like, a really long tail.

13. Philippine pangolins formed their own species after deciding that being a sunda pangolin was passé.

14. Sunda pangolins involuntarily roll their eyes whenever they hear someone claiming to be a “Philippine pangolin.”

15. Given the opportunity, a Chinese pangolin will vandalize shops that sell traditional medicine made of animals.

16. A Pangolin can smell a drop of whiskey up to a kilometer away, but will only search for it if it is at least 15 years old.

17. Pangolins have K-Ray vision. It allows them to see through your bullshit.

18. Attempts to domesticate pangolins failed when the creatures organized against the bourgeoisie.

19. Pangolins are spiritual but not religious.

20. Tina Fey is the pangolin's spirit animal.

21. Pangolins can fly, but they don't like to show off.

22. Pangolins can make their own vitamin C. They think it's hilarious that humans can get scurvy.

23. Pangolins can also make their own wifi, but it's not secure.

24. A pangolin’s scales are impervious to hadokens.

25. Pangolin are living fossils, but they prefer to be called "retro."

26. You should never look a pangolin directly in the eye because it makes them very self conscious.

27. Pangolins are one of three animals depicted on the golden record, the other two being a bald eagle and an Amazonian whipsnake.

28. Pangolin's scales stand up when they are trying to impress potential mates or post on social media.

29. The harshest insult for a pangolin is to be called "basic."

30. Pangolins can read Ulysses.

31. Pangolins have no scales on their bellies. They compensate by doing Pilates to strengthen their core.

32. Baby pangolins ride on their mother's tails. If they are orphaned then they call an Uber.

33. Pangolins identify as house Ravenclaw.

34. World Pangolin Day is on the third Saturday in February. Pangolins always say "no gifts" but they'll be a little hurt if they don’t get anything.

35. An icy stare is the only response you'll get if you call a pangolin "rollie pollie."

36. Pangolin roll into a ball for defense, but don't know when it is safe to unroll, so may stay in a ball for hours. At least that's why pangolins say they didn't respond to my text.

37. Pangolins are always explaining how being nocturnal is part of who they are and not just an excuse for being unemployed.

38. Long tail pangolins want it known that they are actually diurnal, so maybe don't make so many broad generalizations about pangolins already.

39. Pangolins will live in a burrow until it becomes too gentrified

40. "Pangolin Rescue" is widely considered by critics to be the best episode of Wild Kratts.

41. Pangolins were early adopters to meal subscription services. They like to sample ants from around the world.

42. No pangolin ever voted for Trump.

43. When an anteater attacks an anthill, ants will swarm its body and bite the anteater until it goes away. However, this strategy doesn't work well against pangolins because of their scales. Ants hate pangolins.

44. The name pangolin comes from a Maylan word meaning "roller" However, please don't ask them if they can roll like Sonic the Hedgehog, they've all heard that one before.

45. One pangolin can eat 70 million insects a year. Wait, really? That seems high...

46. Pangolins can live up to 20 years in the wild. Which means they can eat 1.4 billion ants over their lifetime. Come on, seriously? How many ants are even in the world?

47. I just checked and there are an estimated 10 quadrillion individual ants on Earth. This is terrifying and we clearly need more pangolins in the world.

48. Asian pangolins have thick bristles between their scales. Only a select few coiffeurs can style these short stiff hairs.

49. Pangolins do not have teeth, this is why they almost never smile for photos.

50. Pangolin mothers will roll around their babies to protect them. Pangolins are the original helicopter parents.

51. Pangolins find anthills by smell but choose them by Yelp reviews.

52. The Waterloo International Terminal's design was inspired by the overlapping, flexible scales of the pangolin. Pangolins' demands for royalties have gone unanswered.

53. Over their own body and mind, the pangolin is sovereign.

54. Pangolins' scales are made of keratin, which is the same material that your fingernails and unicorn horns are made of.

55. Pangolins swallow small stones to help with digestion. Though they refer to it as "imbibing a gàstrolith."

56. The edges of a pangolin's scales are sharp enough to cut the fingers of any douchebag that tries to pick them up.

57. In 1834 an article in The Lancet said pangolins “occupy the lowest place” and had a mark of “general inferiority” on the grounds that they were “edentulous” (without teeth). Pangolins refuse to read The Lancet to this day.

58. Pangolins do not take the limit of their own field of vision for the limits of the world.

59. Tree pangolin have prehensile tails. People who know what "prehensile" means seem impressed by that.

60. Pangolins are generally nonviolent, except for those ones trained by Jackie Chan.

61. Pangolins are great at eating ants because they have 10,000 hours of practice at it.

62. Ants will try to attack the pangolin's sensitive flesh inside their nose and ears. However, pangolins actually have muscles that can close their nose and ears. Ants really, really, hate pangolins.

63. Pangolins liked your favorite band before they were popular.

64. A pangolin would never say "ATM Machine" "PIN Number" or "UPC Code."

65. More and more pangolins are going with gluten free ants.

66. Scientific articles have referred to pangolins as "solitary and cryptic." Which is weird. Some scientists are clearly moonlighting as fantasy authors.

67. No pangolins responded to requests for interviews for this article.

68. The Peculiar Pangolin was a popular Halloween costume in 1949, second only to The Anthropophagi. Disapproving parental groups prevented both costumes from being sold again the next year.

69. Pangolins are the only animal known to experience euneirophrenia.

70. There are pangolins in rainforests, woodlands, swamps and savannas. They like to take a semester abroad to try different environments.

71. Pangolins can forgive but not forget.

72. There is a subculture within furries dedicated to pangolins called "scalies."

73. Pangolins are descended from creodonts but it's not really polite to bring that up.

74. Pangolin scales are formed through a process known as "cornification." That's a fun word, cornification. Language is fun.

75. Pangolins will go into an elevator and just stare at the back wall.

76. Pangolin scales are actually soft and only become hard when touched. At least that's what my uncle Bill says.

77. Pangolins tried to warn people about Jeffrey Epstein for years.

78. Chinese Pangolins are called dilong, meaning "earth dragon" in Chinese. Earth Dragon would clearly be a great name for a fantasy novel. There would be this runt dragon who hides in a cave to avoid being eaten by other dragons. And he stays there for a century. Till one day, this teenage girl whose whole village has been destroyed by these evil dragon riders goes into the cave for refuge. She meets the earth dragon and begs "Please come out and fight, you could bring an end to Maegor's reign of cruelty." The earth dragon would refuse, citing that he was just a tiny dragon. This would shock the girl, who would reply "What are you talking about? You're the biggest dragon I've ever seen!" And he was massive because he had continued to grow the entire time he was in the cave. However, his wings had atrophied and he couldn't fly... but I've already given too much of this idea away already.

79. In Zimbabwe tradition dictates that if you find a pangolin then you should give it to your chief. If you've ever been in a Zimbabwe Chief's home and wondered "Why does this dude have so many pangolins?" now you know.

80. Tree pangolins were previously also known as "common pangolins" but nowadays that's considered an offensive slur.

81. Pangolins speak Esperanto as a first language.

82. Pangolins have never seen Star Wars.

83. Pangolins keep gratitude journals. Most of the entries are about ants.

84. Just because their physiology is completely different from other mammals doesn't mean pangolins are aliens. Who said they were aliens? That's crazy talk. You're crazy.

85. Pangolin claws can dig through concrete. Never mind how I know that or what was on the other side of that concrete wall, just be aware that pangolins can dig through concrete.

86. Honey Bun "the naughty dinosaur" is the world's most famous pangolin. Though there's not really a lot of competition.

87. A pangolin walking on their hind legs is the cutest thing ever. That's right, I've seen your kitten and I'm not that impressed.

88. Pangolins claim to be stoics, but that's a bit of posturing.

89. Albrecht Dürer drew numerous sketches of pangolins. Except he'd never seen one and believed he was drawing a fictional creature called the pedalternorotandomovens centroculatus articulosus.

90. When pangolins were first described at the Académie des Sciences in Paris, no one believed the creatures could be real. The French have stubbornly refused to admit that pangolins exist to this day.

91. Pangolins are good swimmers. They can even go in the same river twice.

92. Black bellied pangolins regard Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus as the most important philosophical text ever, while white bellied pangolins regard Wittgenstein's own turn to ordinary language philosophy as sufficient reason to dismiss that book.

93. Black bellied pangolins have particularly beautiful scales that are a rich ocher color with dark borders. You don't know the color ocher? That's your loss man.

94. Pangolins only meet to mate; and when they do, they go Dutch.

95. Humans call pangolins "walking pinecones" or "artichokes with legs." Pangolins in turn describe us as "bad at catching ants."

96. Pangolins habitually ask for a late check out, even if they’re not planning to stay late.

97. If you need to get a secret off your chest, tell a pangolin. They won't repeat it to anyone.

98. Pangolins live a hermit-like existence. Way more than so-called hermit crabs. Those guys are total phonies.

99. Chinese legends hold that pangolin burrows are actually tunnels that go around the world. That’s already a pretty far out claim so I don’t have a humorous exaggeration to add to it.

100. While it is descriptive to call pangolins "scaly anteaters" they wish anteaters could be referred to as "scaleless pangolins."

101. This article may be a joke, but the state of the pangolin is not. All species of pangolin are endangered and they are the most poached animal in the world. Join the fight to save them at savepangolins.org

For a more realistic article about pangolins, click here.