Only Dogs Are Allowed To Have Tails

There I am. I have to say, I'm quite the handsome fella. I mean, look at me. I have a great smile, obviously. But all the friends of my pet humans say that sometimes when I sit, I look majestic, like I should be on a throne or something. I must agree and don't you forget it! Ah, my pet humans. Their antics are funny. However, as they are a bit slower than we dogs, sometimes, though, I must establish boundaries and discipline them appropriately, particularly when they cross a line defying the natural order. It happened a few times in my life. There was that time that the human Mick brought me a New Year's Eve hat. Dogs don't wear hats. To be fair, I was a good sport, and smiled.

And I did have it on for a total of two minutes before I took it off and naturally tore it apart. Then there was that time that he wouldn't share more of his food. But both incidents pale in comparison to the most heinous crime of all, a monstrous violation of the natural order of things. It was that time that Mick grew a tail.

More accurately, it was a fuzzy snake, which I gave the highly dignified and accurate name of Snakey to. Snakey was one of the many toys that my humans gave to me. Bless them. They're kind of like ravens in that they bring you gifts. I really appreciate them. It's so sweet. I make them squeak, and to further prove my love, I tear them to shreds and leave the stuffing all over the floor. Well, I loved Snakey, but hadn't gotten around to tearing him apart yet. Then one day, Mick walked over to him, picked him up, and put the tail end of Snakey down the back of his pants.

"Look," he said proudly, twerking a bit so I could see, "I have a tail too!"

My head shot up. What?!? How dare he? Use Snakey in such a way? It could not be borne! So I leapt to my feet, and started to chase Mick around the living room, my eyes firmly fixed on poor Snakey. What Mick was doing was an outrage in and of itself. But it was all the more serious because tails were much too good for humans. What of my poor tailless brethren in the world like the poor Corgies and the Yorkshire Terriers? It cheapened my tailless brothers in their caudal struggle. But most of all, if the natural order was violated, how long until Judgment Day? It was very serious, not that you could convince my pet human of that. Mick was making that sound that I think they call laughing.

He was laughing so hard he was crying . I finally grabbed Snakey with my teeth and pulled him free. I chuffed at Mick, my mouth full of fuzzy snake, and put Snakey back in his proper place. That should have been the end of it. But would you believe it? Mick grabbed it and did it again! So, I rolled my eyes, and once again, I chased him around the living room. This time, Mick was a bit cleverer. He put the coffee table between me and him. And once again, he was laughing! Laughing! Didn’t he know the grim repercussions of what he was doing? If humans grew tails then all too soon it would be the end of the world. I know for a certainty that the cats would take over, and vacuum cleaners would come to life to harry us all over our homes. There would be no more treats and all us dogs would be able to eat is canned dog food. The sky would fall, and everything horrible that could happen would.

I caught up to Mick and saved Snakey once again. And to show Mick that I meant business this time, I harrumphed instead of merely chuffing and I carried Snakey off and put him between my paws so that Mick wouldn’t be tempted to steal him again. For some reason this made Mick laugh even harder, but eventually he calmed down and his hysteria wore off. I honestly still don’t know what possessed him to do what he did. As I said before, tails are much too good for humans. Later, I heaved a sigh of relief.

The apocalypse had been averted. The natural order had been restored. I knew that throughout the animal kingdom, animals with and without tails were grateful that I was so heroic. I have heard that humans can read and are reported to be intelligent. If you are human and you’re reading this story you don’t know how close you all came to total annihilation. Let’s recap. Tails on dog, good. Tail on human, bad. I sat proudly on the sofa, admittedly feeling very self-satisfied. After all, I did save the world. You’re welcome!

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