My Neighbor’s Cat Keeps Leaving Me Performance Reviews

The first review showed up taped to my front door on a Monday. It was written on the back of a grocery receipt in messy pencil, and it said: *PERFORMANCE REVIEW: Week of May 1-7* Employee: The human in 3B Rating: 2/5 Comments: Leaves lights on. Wakes me up with vacuum. 0/10 would not nap here. Signed, Mr. Whiskers I stared at it. Then I looked down at Mr. Whiskers, my neighbor’s orange tabby, sitting smugly on my welcome mat with a piece of tape in his mouth. “You did this?” I whispered. He blinked slowly, like I was the dumb one. Then he trotted off. I crumpled the receipt and went inside. Weird cat. Weirder neighbor, probably. The next Monday, there was another one. This time it was on proper paper, clipped to my mailbox with a tiny clothespin. *PERFORMANCE REVIEW: Week of May 8-14* Employee: 3B Rating: 1.5/5 Comments: Did not refill bird feeder. Birds are now complaining to me. Also, you sang in the shower. Badly. Action Items: Improve vocal performance. Fix bird situation. Signed, Mr. Whiskers, Senior Feline Supervisor I started paying attention. Mr. Whiskers lived next door with Mrs. Delgado, an 80-year-old woman who knitted and fed every stray in a five-block radius. He was her baby. He also seemed to think he was my boss. By week three, the reviews got detailed. *PERFORMANCE REVIEW: Week of May 15-21* Employee: 3B Rating: 3/5 Comments: Good: You finally cleaned the litter box in the hallway. Wait, that’s not yours. Still, good initiative. Bad: You brought someone home at 2 a.m. and laughed too loud. I was trying to sleep. Development Goal: Learn indoor voice. Also, stop buying cheap tuna. I can smell it through the wall. Signed, M.W. He was grading me. Like I was his employee. Like he had a clipboard and a quota. I tried ignoring him. That lasted until week five, when I found a review slipped under my door with a live cricket attached. *PERFORMANCE REVIEW: Week of May 29-June 4* Employee: 3B Rating: 1/5 Comments: You ignored three consecutive reviews. Unacceptable. See attached for motivation. Action Items: Respond by end of day. Acknowledge feedback. Signed, Mr. Whiskers, Regional Manager of Your Life The cricket escaped. I spent 45 minutes chasing it around my kitchen while Mr. Whiskers watched from the windowsill, tail flicking with satisfaction. That’s when I decided to fight back. I wrote my own review. *PERFORMANCE REVIEW: Week of June 5-11* Employee: Mr. Whiskers Rating: 2/5 Comments: Shows up unannounced. Leaves dead things on my porch. Eats my houseplants. Action Items: Stay on your side of the wall. Stop judging me. Signed, 3B, Human in Charge I taped it to Mrs. Delgado’s door. Mr. Whiskers was waiting when I came back. He sniffed the paper, looked at me, and hissed. Then he walked away, tail high. Victory, I thought. I was wrong. The next Monday, he brought backup. There were three reviews. One from him, one from Mrs. Delgado’s other cat, Princess, and one that appeared to be from the building super’s dog, Rex. It was mostly paw prints and drool, but I got the message. *PERFORMANCE REVIEW: Week of June 12-18* Employee: 3B Rating: 0.5/5 Comments: Retaliated against supervisor. Poor teamwork. Princess agrees. Rex agrees. We are forming a union. Action Items: Apologize. Bring treats. Signed, The Committee Mrs. Delgado knocked on my door that afternoon. “Honey,” she said, holding Mr. Whiskers in her arms, “I think my boy likes you.” “He’s been grading me,” I said. “Oh, he does that,” she said, like this was normal. “He did it to the mailman too. Gave him a 1 out of 5 for ‘insufficient belly rubs.’” So I did what any reasonable person would do. I started filling out the reviews. *RESPONSE TO PERFORMANCE REVIEW: Week of June 19-25* Noted: Will buy better tuna. Noted: Will practice shower singing in lower volume. Question: What’s your favorite toy? I’d like to improve cross-team relations. Signed, 3B I left it on my door with a pouch of fancy salmon treats. The next day, there was a new review. *PERFORMANCE REVIEW: Week of June 19-25* Employee: 3B Rating: 4/5 Comments: Shows improvement. Listens to feedback. Treats were acceptable. Action Items: Keep it up. Maybe we can hit 5/5 next quarter. Signed, Mr. Whiskers He left a small toy mouse on my mat. Now it’s been two months. We have a system. Every Monday, I get a review. Every Tuesday, I respond. Last week he docked me points for not opening the window fast enough when he wanted to sit on the sill. This week I gave him a 3/5 for “excessive 3 a.m. zoomies in the hallway.” Mrs. Delgado says he’s never been this engaged. I don’t know if I have a pet, a supervisor, or a roommate now. But my apartment is cleaner, my shower singing is better, and I haven’t forgotten to refill the bird feeder once. This morning, I found a new review. *PERFORMANCE REVIEW: Q2 Summary* Employee: 3B Rating: 4.5/5 Comments: Significant growth observed. Still talks to himself. Still bad at singing. But tries. Final Note: You’re alright, human. Signed, Mr. Whiskers, Your Feline Supervisor There was no action item. No criticism. Just that. I looked up. Mr. Whiskers was on the railing outside, watching me through the glass. He flicked his tail once, then jumped down and disappeared. I think that’s cat for “good job.” Or maybe he’s just planning next quarter’s goals. With him, you never really know.