My Dog Sat Me Down For A Heart To Heart

This has been one weird year. Know what I mean?

Hey!

I’m talking to you. Listen up!

I know, I know. You're the master and all that, but I'm your best friend, and I've got a few things to get off my paws.

Listen. You know I love you. Both of you.

I love you more than anything in this world, well, except for my tennis ball. And maybe my tippy toy that the treats come out of. Oh yeah! And the bed, the sofa. All the throw blankets that I like to stink up around the house. Anyway, you get the drift.

I’ve been in dog paradise now for nearly ten months. I mean really, who wouldn’t want their meal ticket at their beck and call 24/7? This has been a blast, especially for a whole summer.

Winter's okay too, but it takes you so damn long to get dressed when just wanna go pee. That's okay too. I'm a good dog...mostly.

Getting extra walks and playtime has been a massive boost to my general health and wellbeing, I know.

Here comes the but though.

The truth is, you and the other one, the female, are starting to get on my nerves a little. Don’t get me wrong. You guys are the best. You feed me and make sure I’m safe and comfortable. We play, you feed me, and yes, you even bath me; yech!

I love sitting between you both on the couch and looking at that window with the moving pictures. It’s my favourite time of the day.

It’s just that, well, you’re starting to cramp my style. I mean, you two used to go to work, whatever that is, every day and left me to do my thing. I’d have a nap, look out the window, and bark madly at the postmen when he came along. Remember that "mostly a good dog" remark? Well, there were are moments.

Let's just say what you didn't know doesn't matter, ok? Nobody was there to tell me to “Get down” or “Be quiet!” I just did my job. I do not like that postman. It's in my genes. I'm supposed to hate on them.

Anyway, have you ever noticed that when you’re around, I sleep with one eye open? I have to be ready to follow whenever you jump up. It’s very stressful. At least when you and the redhead used to go out for a while, I could get some rest. I could chill.

So, if you wouldn’t mind, at least for mental health purposes, (mine, not yours) could you find something to do out of the house a little more often? Come to think of it, maybe for yours too.

I’m not completely stupid. I guess there may be one or two little things I do that bug you, right?

And one more thing. Boy, I never thought I would hear myself say this either. I need grooming, desperately. Look at me! It’s embarrassing when we go out for walks. I here the other dogs in the neighbourhood talking. “Boy. She’s really let herself go.” Poor cock-a-poo they say, “It’s not really her fault.”

It's true what you people say. We do indeed start to look more alike with time, but this is ridiculous, man. You could use a trim yourself, you know.

Okay, I’ve said my piece. Now come over here and let me give you a good slurp up the face. Off you go now.

I’ll just go and find a nice tissue box or toilet roll to destroy.

Good talk.

Thanks for listening. Hope I didn't freek you out.

This story originally appeared on Medium by Stuart Englander

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