my dog just died.
I'm feeling sick to my stomach. I guess I'm not as prepared for finality of the ‘end' as I thought I'd be. Just a foreigner in the land of emotion. It’s been so long since anyone I've truly cared about has passed away and I seem to have become desensitized to the whole experience. The news, in movies or the world in general has left me flippant. People die every day, but I didn't know any of them personally so how can I be expected to mourn. I feel like a robot most of the time, but we all get reminders that we are human, and man do they hurt.
I spent more time with that dog than any person on this earth in the last 10 years. I shared more of me with him than anybody else in my life. I had more deep thoughts and pondered my purpose for existence with his encouragement more often than I could have with any guru. I have nobody else in my life, it was him and me. Now it’s just me. Alone again. Trips to rehabs and to hospitals, to recovery and relapse. you’re the only thing I could count to be the same for me. you always ignored me with a permanent smile. He didn't save my life, but he certainly made it better. I guess that’s all we can ask for any real relationship, human or animal.
I loved him most because he just didn't care. I was there, he was there, and we were always alone, next to one another. the comfort of the company, silent and stoic, we sat in our chairs and ignored each other, together. It was perfect. We needed each other, but not every second. If one of us needed something, the other would oblige and then go back to one’s world. Like fat roommates.
I found him dead in his spot, curled up on a recliner, no longer laboring to breath. Still, silent, how he was most of the time, but this time his eyes didn't open to me calling his name, 'Clyde'...'Clyde'! but nothing. not a wink or breath. asleep forever. I reached out to him, still warm and pliable. He must have just gone. I heard him not long before I went to check on him. He wasn’t fine but I didn’t see the end coming this quick. But oh well, I’m standing here staring at him, tears fill my eyes and I feel my heart starting to hurt.
Its time like these I dream of fantasy and pray for a heaven where family and friends are all there and excited to see you. oh, ya and our dogs are there too. they're the happiest to see you. so excited you've arrived. I pray with imagination and hope, but I know there is no heaven. there is no god, but it’s a nice thought.
if pain is a lesson than I submit to the suffering, but I can't stop crying. 'it’s only a dog' you might say. 'Yes, he was a dog, he was my dog and my companion for a long time... now he's gone and I'm sad'. that's all I can say. Man, I’m gonna miss the hell out of you. But now, your squeezed into a box outside in the back of my truck, Looking like your only in a deep sleep. I keep calling your name, “Clyde!’… ‘Clyde!’ but nothing. you feel the same, even look the same. But it’ll never be the same.
I'm glad we met my friend, thanks for the effort. be a good boy wherever you go. I'll miss you.
Love your friend,