My Best Boy

I've been thinking a lot about words and the feeling that they're not enough. They're not ever enough. They fill a void, a space; they fill up a page until slowly, the blank white becomes dotted with black shapes and scribbles. Like a beautiful parasite growing and taking over. They can have meaning and yet never fully describe the sensation or thought. They can't ever impart an epiphany or tell you just what sunshine looks like. They can be used for everything and nothing. They can just be. And yet they spill, fill, form, and move. Words are there. And mine are here for you. So no, I don't think I can quite explain my heart or my love or my fear for you. I can use every word I know and even make up a few of I have to, but dearheart, they will never be enough for you. No matter what happens, I simply need you to know the most important, most complex thing in the universe: I love you.

I've learned a lot about love in recent years, how far it goes, how much it covers, how easily it wants to forgive, how deep it runs, how it holds breakable things together, how it's tendrils will forever seek itself as it threads through the world. I've learned where it comes from, who it infects, how it changes, why it is, and even what it is not and what it doesn't do. Perhaps that's why I'm so afraid to lose you. Because I'm still learning and so many of the good things I've learned have come from you. The thought of losing you, of knowing that dirt and soil will hold you as I am used to, sends me into a panic, my body shaking from sobs. I wonder in those moments where a simple thought of your loss turns on the spigot, if, in your real loss, I would ever be able to turn it off. Maybe that's how waterfalls are created, with tears that just don't stop. Or maybe lakes used to be people, too, until they lost something they couldn't recover from and their grief took them over. I don't know, that's just where my head goes because honestly, I don't know who I'd be without you. You and I are too deeply entwined after all these years to part now. Maybe I'll lie down with you. Or maybe I won't. I think this is one journey you'd like to take alone anyway.

But that's part of love, isn't it. Feeling half of yourself ripped away with the loss of that relationship. That's how you know it was real. That's how you know your other half needed you, too. See, there were always things you'd only ever do for me. Because you're mine and always will be. I wonder, will you live for me now, too? Or is this the part where I loosen my grip and let you go? You've done so much for me: you've been my sanctuary, my safe place, my heart, my home, my therapy, my sanity. You've reminded me who I am over and over again, you've picked me up and kept me going, you've never wavered and always challenged me. You, my friend, have made me into so much of who I am today. All of this you've done and more. So I would do anything for you. Anything. I would take your pain into myself to give you relief, I would run every test, give you everything you needed to get well. I would even set you free if you needed me to. Because part of love is also pain. I can't stand seeing you in pain. So even if it hurts me to say goodbye to you, I will. The moment it becomes too much, you let me know and I'll do it. Because while you're mine, you were first and foremost a gift and if He wants you home, I'll send you there. I'll return you to green pastures and rolling hillsides, to mountain sides and those sandy beaches you loved so much. So if the only way out for you is to cleave my heart in two, I'll do it. I'd do anything for you. I don't want to, but I will.

The most important thing I've learned about love is that it's not always about me. You've always done what's best for me, even the hard lessons. I'll remember that if it comes to it - if what's best for you is to leave me, then I'll grant your wish. I will never be ready to say goodbye to you, so I may become an ocean of broken tears in the process, but I'll do it. I'll let you go.

Love is beautiful and real, it can fill your soul, transform your mind, heal your wounds. It can brighten any dark day, and it's as strong as the foundations of the earth. Love is hope and joy just as much as it is hardship and pain. Love is life and life is all of these things. And you are mine. My joy, my heart, my hope, the one that keeps me going. With just one glance, one cold touch of your nose, my world is right again. And your nose has been so dry and warm lately.

Right now, I wish one touch from me would make you right again. If I had that kind of power I would use it in a heartbeat. But I don't. All I can do is pray and listen and hope. All I can do is what you need.