I SAVED A CAT, WHO SAVED ME RIGHT BACK!

I am holding my mother's lifeless hand . I am staring at her big toe nail, which is jagged .

Her ECMo machine swirls on and her body is bloated unmoving.

I tell her ," I love you Mom , Its Julie , please can you hear me ,"

I squeeze her hand three times.

I look for a sign but see nothing.

This massive room is a Horror room,

all the 30 or so patient's are together displayed , one tragedy after another. Some are young, looking like living dolls, I think it must be a car accident.

Most are in vegetable states.

My mother is the only one on this hideous machine .

I regret allowing the doctors to put her in this forced coma . She had blood clots in her lungs , the doctors had promised this would be temporary, allowing her body to heal and they would eventually wake her up.

I cannot believe how badly these doctors have injured my mother she has a simple UTI treatable with antibiotics , but they changed her long time blood thinner from Coumadin to Xarelto, causing a bleeding session.

Till she wakes one morning unable to breath.

The staff are perched in the middle of this room , they carry binders and pens, they look like students , none look me in the eyes.

They shuffle past me talking in hushed tones . I stare out looking for compassion , only one student a male asian student meets my stare

He looks at me with very sad eyes and does a bowing gesture.

I feel like dying also , My strong capable mother .

My brother and I get a call three weeks later the doctors saying They will need to remove our mother from the machine ,she is brain dead.

I think of my mother , her aristocrat personality, her high check bones, her amazing turquoise eyes hinted with emerald and yellow.

My mother , my North star .

Her last words to me

" Julie, you always figure things out"

I am immobilized by grief .

I am unable to control my rage .

I blame the greedy healthcare system bleeding my mother's health insurance dry , while she lay in a recovery hospital , when she could of been released weeks ago .

But in her case she gets massive blood clots in her lungs .

I have no patience , I am rage filled, I also can't sleep well and when I do sleep, I don't want to wake up .

My body is shocked by grief into instant menopause.

I am beyond tears , I have a emptiness that is filled with Anger .

I am too depressed to even get up and drive to a mental health clinic.

The treating hospital won't help me even though I try to explain I am too depressed to come to my appointments.

Two months after my mother's death I am driving and inside my head I head I hear

" There is a black cat at the humane society you must get him , He is very smart "

The thought is strange and consistent I am already heading home but the thought is in my head.

I pull off the exit and turn my car around and get back onto the freeway.

I arrive at the Humane society, It's raining , but it's warm out and the rain feels refreshing .

As I enter the building a small cat wind chime on the door chimes softly.

I enter the Cat room, My heart sinks in this place, all these gorgeous animals in need of a home. I admire the volunteers helping all these beautiful animals.

I stare at dozens of cages.

I look into a cage the cat sees me and closes its eyes and then continues sleeping .

Other cats blatantly ignore me .

I look at one cat after another none of them even open their eyes to see me .

Suddenly I look down and a small black paw is literally grabbing my Boot from inside a lower cage.

I look down and see a long haired black cat with bright alien yellow eyes.

"Excuse me ,I say can I see this one?"

A humane society volunteer smiles

" Oh thats ,Teddy"

She carries Teddy into a small visitation room and I follow.

"He is a very nice cat she says "

She leaves the little room and I look down and Teddy is purring loudly and rubbing against my legs .

He is a gorgeous long haired black cat with a dark auburn tone and underbelly .

Teddy stares up to me

His yellow eyes are magical and searching.

I smile at him and He immediately jumps onto my lap purring loudly .

"Ok Teddy boy, I am getting you out of here"

I pay my adoption fees and buy Teddy a license , and a few cans of cat food and a large bag of dry food .

The volunteer puts Teddy inside a large cardboard animal transport case she smiles at me and says

" I am so happy Teddy has found a forever home."

I leave The humane society and put Teddy on my front seat.

It is still raining but the sun is shining bright.

I play classical music while driving to try to calm him if he is nervous .

Yet I hear him purring through the box long and guttural.

"Your a very pretty Boy Teddy " I say..

The Angels told me to come get you , they said you were very smart"

I arrive home and carry Teddy inside, I open the box and he pops out and stares up at me .

I fetch his cat food and Pour him a bowl of cool water and another bowl of salmon with dry food .

Teddy gracefully sways around my knees ,flapping his lush long tail cross my calves.

"Hello Teddy Boy .. Hello"

My boyfriend Rich comes home from work I say exuberantly,

" Look babe We have a New family member !"

He smiles looking at the large long haired cat .

" Wow , that's a huge cat"

"His name is Teddy and I swear I heard a voice in my head telling me to go the Humane society to adopt a smart black cat"

"Maybe it's your Mom "He says smiling.

Rich Kneels down to get a good look at Teddy " Wow such incredible eyes, I never saw a cat with eyes like that" Rich pats Teddy and says

"Is Momma feeding you good?"

Teddy stares, twitching his face with a quizzical look.

" Wow, Babe that's Great !"

I smile and It seems like it's been months since I actually really smiled, I think of my Mother, her huge beautiful smile, I think she would love this cat .

Teddy assimilates well to living with us .

It's been over a few weeks now and having this lovely new family member is helping my depression.

I open the back door, Teddy and I go outside.

Teddy is languishing in the bright sunshine , he is stretched on his back and paws spread open , he is twisting delightfully in the sun .

I say" Teddy" come on " and Get up to meander to the woods behind my house ,Teddy follows behind and we sit peacefully together in the woods . The sounds of a woodpecker and the squeal of blue jays filter the air .

Teddy and I relax and close our eyes.

Teddy looks up at me, His quizzical yellow eyes searching mine and says clear as day

"Momma"

I blink and shake my head .

What the hell? am I losing it?

Did this cat just talk???

That Evening I tell my partner Rich .

" Babe, I swear to you Teddy looked directly at me and said Momma!"

He looks at me deadpan , His large green blue eyes wrinkle in laughter.

"Babe, your worrying me, Have your stopped taking the antidepressants or something?"

" No, the cat can Talk!!"

" What did he say? Your a Moran?"

I shake my head Laughing at Rich's deadpan humor.

" He said Momma"

Rich smiles" Well that's weird , Every morning when I leave for work and Your still sleeping I tell Teddy

" Take care of Momma!"

Teddy looks up at us and says clear as day

"Momma"

Rich and I burst out laughing

" Oh my God, WTF , We have a talking cat"

Rich and I burst out laughing and literally fall to the ground giggling.

As the days pass I find that

I love to take Teddy for long walks in the woods behind the house

Teddy and I stare at each other

His yellow eyes shift to bright green in certain shady areas of the woods.

I think

" I miss you Mom"

"Come on Teddy , Follow Momma, Let's go lay in the Sun"

I get up and slow jog back to my sunny hammock in the backyard, "Come on, Teddy boy"

I smile as I notice the large furry cat pouncing right behind me.

We lounge out under the warm Sun

The heat is intoxicating.

I stare mesmerized into the eyes of this otherworldly creature .

I am calm in his presence and I say

" You saved me too didn't you Teddy Boy?"

I wonder if my mother sent me This beautiful boy ?

I see a sunbeam spread slowly across the sky and I feel certain

For the first time since losing my Mother

I feel that somehow I will survive !