Five Things About Grief That Surprised Me

I lost my dog seven months ago. He passed away of pulmonary hypertension. It was quick, and he didn't suffer, but I have. He was 13 and his name was Max. He taught me a lot about grief, something that up until seven months ago, I had never experienced before. No matter how much others tell you about it, no matter what you think you understand about grief, if you've never experienced it, you'll never fully understand it. I write this to help out as best I can, because as you grieve you don't know where to turn. This is the top five things about grief that surprised me.

1. It hurts physically.

It hurt like nothing I had ever felt before. I felt so empty and full at the same time. My whole body ached, almost like I had a fever. I carried it like a chronic illness inside me for months, and now it feels just a little better. Less often, is how I would put it. If I think on it too long, and as I write this, that same pain settles deep in my chest. It stays there. You won't be ready for it, and I'm sorry for that. You'll find a way to deal, but understand that everyone hurts with grief.

2. Moving on is the hardest thing to do.

Max was our family dog. He was like a brother to me, he was family, and moving on is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. As you grieve, you have to come to terms with the fact that every day you have to keep going without them. It's almost like you get further and further away from them, as they stop and you keep going. You feel that loss, you think about them a lot at first. Then as time goes on you don't think about them as much, but even seven months later I think of Max at least once a day.

3. It makes you question your beliefs.

I thought I knew what I believed. I had been an atheist since the 7th grade, that's ten years. When Max passed away, I struggled with my beliefs, because there was no way Max was just gone right? My whole view on death and what comes after shattered, and I changed. I've been exploring new belief systems. I was drawn to Wicca, others turn elsewhere. Do not feel bad or be surprised if you question your beliefs after the loss of a loved one. You may come back to your original beliefs, or change your mind, that's okay. Allow yourself to explore and change.

4. There's a second wave of grief.

You start to feel better. For me it was about a month after I lost him that I started to feel better. It wasn't a constant weight anymore, and I thought to myself: "maybe the worst is over," but it wasn't. I recently experienced what seemed like a second wave of grief, where I missed Max like crazy. Every time I saw a dog, I felt like crying. I missed him so much, and that lasted well into another month, about five months after he passed away. Everyone is different, of course, but don't be surprised if you have a second wave of intense grief.

5. It never goes away.

I never understood this before I experienced this myself. I always though, well of course you'll always miss them, but missing someone and grief are two very different things. I saw a visual once, about grief that explained it well. Grief is like a ball in a box with a button labeled "Grief." At first, the ball is very big in the box, and it hits the button all the time. As time goes on, the ball gets smaller, but the grief button is still there, and when that ball hits that button, you still feel the grief as strongly as you did on day one, just not as often. Some days the ball can be bigger, or smaller, it changes every day. So be flexible, be forgiving, and above all: love.

Love is why we grieve, and we need to be so grateful that we experience grief, because that means we loved fiercely, and had someone in our lives we loved very much. So remember that, and be kind, and love.