Finally Free

The love of my life was dead, but I wasn't ready to get married again. And I longed - no, needed to pour my love out to something. I didn't necessarily feel like I needed the love returned to me. I just needed a catharsis. Yes, a release.

I never intended to adopt a dog. Honestly, I had never heard of "rescue" dogs before. The only thing I knew was that I was looking for a quiet, rather sedate dog - one who didn't require a lot of maintenance since my nerves were frayed and raw. My Google search revealed that Havanese and Bichon Frise dogs would be a good match for me.

Havanese dogs near me sold for $1,000.00 - $2,000.00… not in my budget. Then I stumbled upon an ad offering a 3-year-old Havanese dog for adoption for $375.00. My heart leaped with excitement! I applied and waited in anxious suspense. Would they consider me? I’d never adopted a rescue dog before. After several weeks I wrote a letter to the staff… “I was told that you are trying to decide between me and one other person. I don’t know everything that’s involved in owning a rescue dog, but I do know one thing – I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father who abused us physically and emotionally. I know what I needed. Love. And that’s what I would give Eclaire - all of the love that she could ever want. I hope that you will pick me.”

Soon after, that gentle little soul stepped into my life and my home with a great deal of fear. More like Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. She’d lived her whole life in a puppy mill, under the worst conditions that anyone could imagine. Do you even know what a puppy mill is? I didn’t.

Most often, it consists of a bunch of wire cages, stacked beside and on top of each other. Either the cages are kept in a barn without lights and windows, or the dogs are left outside in heat or cold and rain. Animals in the top cages urinate and defecate on the ones below. The aggressive dogs get most of the food. Eclaire weighed only seven pounds when I got her. Her weight later normalized around eleven pounds.

Mill dogs don’t understand things like; comprehending words when people talk to them, the feeling of grass beneath their feet, or the taste of treats. When I first offered Eclaire a little piece of ham on the end of my finger, she sniffed it and walked away. She had no idea what it was.

Every day I tried to earn Eclaire‘s trust. I would go to her bed, kneel in front of her and talk softly… almost whispering. Since she never had any choice on how she was physically handled in her former life, I always asked permission. “Can I touch you?” I asked as I reached out slowly and stroked the top of her paw. She withdrew her paw and tucked it close to her body. I pulled back my hand.

I later realized that her paws were super sensitive because of having stood on the wire cage floors for all of her life. The wires pushed up between her toes, causing the skin to split, making her toe separations longer.

Gradually she let me into her little world, and my heart overflowed with love the morning she woke up on my bed and started rubbing her face with her paws as she leaned almost onto her back and let me ruffle her ears and face as she play-nibbled on the ends of my fingers and gently pawed my hands.

Although Eclaire’s trust in me grew stronger, the loneliness for others of her kind remained. Each time the foster mom brought over a new dog it seemed too aggressive for Eclaire. Even so, after one dog went back with the foster mom, Eclaire grieved the loss of her new friend with mournful howls.

I continued to scan the rescue organization ads for new dogs until one day I saw a most beautiful Bichon Frise. Her eyes were big black puddles, like those of a baby seal. She was already at least eight years old and had spent her whole life in a puppy mill.

I decided to bite the bullet. I prepared Eclaire by telling her every day for about a week that Meera was coming to see her and that if she liked her, Meera could live with us and be her sister. Every time I told Eclaire that, she would look me straight in the eye as though she knew exactly what I was saying.

On the day of Meera's visit, Eclaire got so nervous that she peed on the floor. Both Meera and Eclaire were pacing and panting. Soon though, they settled and I was the one fretting... fearful of Meera being too old and possibly sickly. The foster mom assured me that Meera was in good health and could last many years. She offered me to sign the adoption papers and keep Meera right then instead of having the usual second in-home visit.

After watching Eclaire and Meera settle down together I made the decision to adopt Meera.

Meera eventually learned that she could trust me by watching me treat Eclaire with loving tenderness. Even still, it would be at least a year before I could touch her without her trying to run away from me. Meera and Eclaire bonded and soon Meera learned what treats were and she and Eclaire really enjoyed those!

Meera also discovered snow...

One of my favorite memories was when I discovered how intuitive Eclaire was. I trained Eclaire to go to the back door and bark when she wanted to go outside. Meera was still learning. One morning Eclaire repeatedly went to the back door. Each time I let them out neither of them relieved themselves so we went back into the house. I said to my mom, "I don't understand... Eclaire keeps on asking to go out and when I let her out she doesn't do anything. It's so frustrating!" Shortly after, Meera spun around a few times and squatted on the floor. I looked at Eclaire and said, "So that's what you were trying to tell me... that Meera needed to poop. Thank-you. You are such a smart girl."

A Turn For The Worse

Eclaire and Meera became the best of friends. Meera was so attached to Eclaire that once when she couldn't see her, she started running around the living room in a panic. Eclaire had by that time been diagnosed with a severe heart murmur and had gone upstairs to be alone. I said, "Eclaire is upstairs. You go up and see her." Meera stood at the bottom of the stairs and looked up. Overcoming her fear of the stairs, she scooted up, found Eclaire, and settled down.

Meera too was failing. She was diagnosed with Cushing's disease. She was gaining weight, always hungry and thirsty, and began urinating frequently. The vet gave her six months.

Eclaire began coughing like she had croup and developed a terrible hack. She just wanted to sleep. Meera would be lying on the floor sleeping and suddenly jump up and run, as though a stabbing pain had jolted her. Sometimes she would look up at me with pleading eyes. She never complained but I sensed that she was in pain. It was nine months past her diagnosis. I kept the whole kitchen floor covered in pee pads because Meera could no longer control herself. I had to make a decision... a terrible one that I agonized over with great anguish. I didn't feel able to go through it. It was like losing my husband all over again.

Monday I called the vet and made an appointment for Friday, thinking that I would just change my mind and cancel. Wednesday morning Eclaire was in the living room and I reached out to pet her. She moved forward a few feet and sat with her back to me but turned her head and looked at me over her shoulder. Her eyes said, "I'm sorry for rejecting you, but it's time for me to go." My heart was torn apart. She started a horrible coughing fit and her sides were heaving with every heartbeat. I knew I had to speed it up for her. She was suffering. Meera was too. I called the vet to see if we could go in that day.

"I'm going to help you," I said to Eclaire. I got both of them in their harnesses and went outside. Eclaire threw up. I prayed for strength all the way over to my mom's apartment and picked her up.

I sat on the floor of the vet's back room and mom sat on the couch with my aunt as a support person. Meera and Eclaire were shaking. I told them that they were okay. I put my hand on Eclaire's back and held her still. Meera paced. Eclaire wandered over to my mom. Mom petted her and told her that she loved her. I called Meera to me. I put her on my lap and leaned her back against my belly and chest. She rested her head on my shoulder. I rubbed her belly and she let her legs drop in relaxation. It was a moment that swelled my heart with love.

The vet came in and sat on the floor with me. I put one hand on Eclaire and one on Meera. I whispered, "I love you, my babies." They were still and calm. Meera stood and Eclaire laid down. Meera was the first to go and then Eclaire. Hot tears streamed silently down my cheeks.

I had needed them and they needed me. I had Eclaire for five years and Meera for four. They finally knew what love was. Now they were without pain. And once again, they were finally free.

***

What can you do to put a stop to puppy mills? Be informed. Make wise choices when it comes to where you buy your pet. Adopt from a rescue organization, local shelter, or humane society. Research articles such as this one...

If you enjoyed my memoir please read my other stories here...