Don't Call Her Bea

It's almost lunchtime. You've been working from home for several hours. You're almost halfway through yesterday's to-do list, and you deserve a break. Definitely. It's okay to take a little longer lunch than usual, right?

So many people who work from home have this conversation with themselves. And I'm sure many people do talk themselves into that long lunch - maybe not every day, but some days. When they really deserve it.

This home office, however, features one employee who is so incredibly good at her job that she earns the company far more money than it costs to pay her. Because of her, employees are held to account for every minute they should be working. Because of her, no lunch break is ever too long. Nobody knocks off before five.

And chicken treats are ALWAYS delivered on time.

Meet the office disciplinarian: Beatrice. Don't call her Bea.

Beatrice is an incredible employee. Her perfected bevy of glares, stares, and disapproving looks has improved company performance by 74% over the past eighteen months of working from home. Bathroom breaks are down, and overtime is up. Employee dedication is at an all-time high. Are they motivated? Terrified? Doesn't matter. Beatrice is on the job.

Of course, employee productivity enhancement (her secondary job title) is only part of the day in the life of this office cat. Witness here, her most effective attempt to intimidate the office humans into delivering her favorite chicken treats directly to the highest plane of her cat tree. See the ferocious fangs and the claws that snatch! Surely the chicken treats will materialize momentarily.

Of course, the humans of the office aren't Beatrice's only priority. She also serves as office security. Witness her intense dedication to the task of monitoring all potentially destructive avian activity. Those birds aren't getting one flippity-flap closer to the employees on company time. THEY have quotas to meet. Beatrice will not permit ANY distractions, especially those feather-wagging squawkboxes.

While Beatrice's union contract (Local 617, under the Sisterhood of Feline Security Workers) allows for up to two catnaps per shift, she's never far away when she's needed. Employees across the company have all fallen prey to her infamous practice of instantly waking at the sound of an illicit coffee break. Let it be known: if YOU'RE getting a treat, then SHE'S getting a treat. There are no exceptions. And shouldn't you be working?

That said, there are certain forms of compensation Beatrice will accept as supplemental to her standard paycheck of regular meals and chicken treats. One must approach this with caution. See here, as an employee offers a gentle pat on the side while doing office-sanctioned yoga on the fur-strewn floor. Note the skeptical tilt of Beatrice's face, but how she ultimately accepts this humble form of appreciation.

That said: don't go for the belly. Ever. The only thing Beatrice hates more than birds and slacking employees (the company hired her to bust the nascent union - Local 413, Office Drones Unite - that would've intervened with the frequency of her on-demand chicken treats) is having her belly invaded by unwelcome would-be admirers. Steer clear of the floof for your own good, human.

Here we can see Beatrice in a position that perfectly encapsulates her commitment to her purpose - both somehow managing to loaf on the arm of the couch while being perfectly coiled and ready to spring, should a predator - a dreaded bird, chipmunk, or squirrel - see fit to attempt invasion. Not to mention, it's a perfect vantage point from which to observe the employees and keep them on task.

Beatrice has been named Employee of the Month eighteen months running - mostly because we're afraid to find out what happens if we don't.

Nevertheless, we can't deny her invaluable contributions to our home work environment!