Do Good.

I’d intended to say goodbye to the pathetic life I was living. Green eyes danced across the waves rolling in and out in the distance, the chilled sensation of water dusting my ankles keeping my mind sharp. What was the point to continue forward? A dead-end job with vacation I couldn’t use, an empty social life, an even greater void in my heart when it came to love; everything seemed pointless in those moments. My chest expanded as I drew in a deep breath, holding it greedily within my lungs before steam twisted from the edges of my lips.

I took another step forward, the chill from the water coaxing goosebumps along my skin. All I needed to do was swim out as far as possible until I felt numb and tired. From there nature would run its course, the same drowning and suffocating sensation I felt perched safely on land ushering me into panicked darkness. I stopped and curled my toes in the sand, a small voice in the back of my mind starting to whisper as it had done many times before. You’re a coward, Jeremiah. Pathetic and useless, a waste of air.

My right arm lifted slightly, head tipping so I could scrub my ear along the scratchy black sweater encasing my shoulder. It was an attempt to rub the voice away, a comforting but useless attempt to try and block out words which were forever twisting through my thoughts. Yes, I’m a coward. I let chances slip through my fingers endlessly while my throat seizes up and leaves my lips and tongue unable to form words. Another breath was taken, this one sharp as I fought to hold back a sob.

My toes curled again, though instead of sinking further into the sand I felt something hard and smooth beneath my feet. For a brief moment I was pulled from my misery by curiosity, the orange and red sky offering light but lacking enough intensity to pierce through the sand-churned water. A half step was taken back before I reached down, the frigid temperatures harsh against my fingers as I buried them in the sand. Whatever the object was it seemed square, realization sinking in when I traced the outline of a handle.

A suitcase? I’d watched enough crime documentaries to know some poor soul was probably chopped up and stuffed within, a small surge of bile threatening to rise in my throat. The voice came again, my brows furrowing and eyes closing as I tried to block it out to no avail. Leave it there, coward. Whoever is inside would prefer to stay there and avoid meeting such a pathetic pile of human filth.

My teeth were quick to grit at the sneering whisper, muscles tensing before I braced my heels and yanked upward. It was an impulse based on anger and adrenaline, my balance failing as whatever suction was holding the case down released and sent me flying into the shallow water. Clutching the suitcase to my chest I simply laid there, eyes staring upward as the inhospitable water chilled me to the bone.

Two hours passed between the discovery of the suitcase and my internal struggle to abandon my plans for the evening. I drove past the police station at least three times as I fought with myself over what needed to be done. Eventually I returned to my small apartment, the suitcase sitting on the scratched laminate countertop and leaking water in a steady stream down the aged orange cabinetry. Why did I bring it here? Why didn’t I turn it into the authorities like a proper member of society?

No answers were found as my hands moved on their own and swiftly unclasped the bindings around the dark brown case, dropping them haphazardly onto the floor in the process. When the top finally opened I couldn’t process what I was seeing straight away. The lid was slowly shut, opened once more, shut, and then finally I threw it open completely. “No way.” The words filled the air as my cold hands swept down the sides of my face. Was I on a secret reality television show I knew nothing about? Were there people with cameras waiting to jump through my window to surprise me?

Filled to the brim with both cash and saltwater, it was no wonder why my mind started to crackle with static and I couldn’t form coherent thoughts. Mindlessly I started counting and sorting through stacks, the back of a grocery receipt being used as scratch paper. Partway into clearing the case I heard something crinkle, the sound similar to plastic. Where my heart was racing before, now it started to pound like an enthusiastic percussionist. This was where I’d find the mutilated corpse, the money around it more than likely “hush cash” as a buy-off to keep whoever discovered it a secret.

Never had I been so relieved to be wrong. After another layer of the bills was cleared, I found myself staring at a small black notebook. It was sealed inside a Ziploc bag and it didn’t look as if it had been touched by the water. I started to weave fantasies around the notebook’s contents, the first being a list of people a hitman was supposed to kick to the moon. Could it be a bucket list, a life story, maybe a small novel someone wrote? My fingers were shaking as I pulled the bag open and withdrew the notebook, turning it over in my hand for a moment before I cracked open the front cover. Inside the pages were blank, save for two simple words: Do Good.

I sat in silence while trying to decipher the writer’s intentions. Do good? Why would someone toss a suitcase full of money into the ocean and leave such a vague message? It was odd but considerably better than finding a dead body tucked amongst the bills. By the end of the night, I found exactly $20,000 in cash within the suitcase’s interior. While it was certainly a lot of money it wasn’t going to solve any of the problems I currently faced.

I’d fully intended on ending my life at the beginning of the night. I’d felt aimless, hopeless, worthless, and those feelings were still brewing inside of my chest. For once a different emotion was mixing into the darkness, something I hadn’t felt in what seemed like a lifetime. It was excitement, a stark thrill to see what was going to happen next in the bleak life I’d come to lead. Do good? I could follow that advice with a clear conscience.

Come the next morning I drove to the Lagoona Tide Animal Rescue League. Slightly frazzled and exhausted, I found myself in front of the only place which kept jumping to the forefront of my mind after seeing a shared post on Facebook. After three months they’d managed to raise a little over $200 for needed repairs and remodeling, falling drastically short of their intended goal. Their cages were outdated and small and they were frequently forced to double the animals up to accommodate them. Imagining the cramped cages made me sick to my stomach, the empathetic feeling of being trapped within my own life striking me like an uppercut to the gut.

At one point I zoned out, my eyes losing focus as I stared at the borderline ramshackle building. I felt a touch to my hand and I moved faster than I’d intended to, my head whipping to one side hard enough to hurt my neck. Standing beside me and looking fairly startled was a slender woman with short cropped brown hair and warm amber eyes. Her hand withdrew at my sudden spasm of movement but she was quick to fix a smile in place.

“Hello there! I didn’t mean to startle you but you weren’t responding to me. We’re just opening for the day so if you could give us a few minutes to get set up we’d appreciate it.” I found myself nodding quickly in an overexaggerated way, gawking at the woman as if I had an IQ which fell into the negatives. There was a boyish appearance about her with a delicate flair of femininity and I found myself wanting to count the freckles on her face. I, admittedly, am not subtle in any area of my life so she was quick to arch an amused brow before moving past me.

Another twenty minutes passed before I finally stepped inside, the cracked and worn tile floors an ugly shade of mud brown and several decades past their prime. I could hear the call of dogs in the back, though more prevalent were the yowls of felines bored and restless in their cages. My fingers tightened on the suitcase’s handle as I swallowed hard, awkwardly quiet as the woman told me about the shelter from its founding up until the current state it was in. It was once a nursing home, a mental ward, and finally converted into what it was today. A truly fascinating story, though I found her passion and warmth more engaging than the tale. Perhaps it was pathetic but I found myself trying to catch glimpses of her hand, part of me nearly jumping in joy when I confirmed the lack of a ring. When was the last time I’d even bothered looking at someone else with interest? It was as if a buried part of myself was being yanked to the surface and uncovered, the realization leaving me with even more anxiety than before. I’m glad she wasn’t looking my way or she would have seen a grown man shaking like a leaf in the wind.

As we turned the corner something snagged the back of my shirt, my body instinctively freezing. Soft pulls followed suit and my mind was quick to assume a poltergeist selected me to be its next victim. A rather far leap all things considered, though it came as a relief when I found myself turning to gaze into a set of amber eyes. They belonged to what appeared to be an older ginger-colored cat, his face filled with battle scars and his stunted ears tattered. At first glance he was frightening and different, though the gentle and insistent touches of his massive paw easily displayed a heart of gold.

“It seems Archie has managed to capture your attention.” I seized up as if I’d been shocked by a taser at the words, the woman known as Leliana unable to hold back a soft laugh as she peeked over my shoulder. “You startle like a kitten.” Seemingly embarrassed by her teasing comparison, she was quick to clear her throat before continuing. “Anyway, Archie is our oldest resident in both age and time here. This poor guy has been in the shelter for five years. He’s twelve years old, toothless, and was brought in as a stray. He had a collar on but no one claimed him.” While she spoke the feline continued to reach for me, patting my face and my nose when I leaned in closer.

“When we took his collar off we found a little note taped to it.” Leliana cupped her chin in thought, looking upward and to the right in an exaggerated ponder. “All it said was ‘Do Good’. We still don’t know what that means.”

As the paw continued to outstretch for me, I felt warmth blossom in my chest. My grip on the suitcase loosened as I reached through the bars to scratch under Archie’s chin, a brilliant smile starting to upwardly tip the edges of my lips for the first time in years. “Do good?” I caught Leliana nodding out of the corner of my eye as I started to unlatch the cage, my attention fixated on the soulful hues piercing right through me. An excited purring trill silenced the malicious voice in the back of my head. “Yeah, I think I can do that.”