Dear Sayu,

Dear Sayu,

Today was the first day when I woke up without you. It was the first time in thirteen years that I didn’t start my day by taking you out to potty. I didn’t get to relax with you while I drank my coffee and watched TikTok or played video games. I didn’t get to listen to your sweet doggy snores or share my pillow with you.

Now is the first time I’ve pulled out my laptop and written anything without you by my side. I used to call you my little editor because I knew you were silently rooting for me to do well with whatever I was working on. I know you’d be rooting for me now, and maybe you still are.

I know the mornings will be the hardest because that was our lazy time. I’d even set my alarm a half-hour early on workdays so that I could sit with you I before got ready for work. I wouldn’t trade those mornings for anything, in fact, I wish I could have just one more.

When I go back to work, I know I’ll be facing more firsts, like the first time I return to a home without you in it. I no longer get to vent to you and stroke your fur if I’ve had a hard day. I don’t get to buy you a toy for Valentine’s Day, your birthday, Halloween, or Christmas anymore. I don’t get to curl up next to you and play Pokémon while you nap. I’ll never see you do a head tilt when I mention ‘snacks’ again. I’ll also never be able to watch a movie and cuddle with you again.

I won’t get to top off your food and water bowls before I leave or tell you that I love you. Bil-Jac and Greenies are no longer on my shopping list. I won’t be able to get you another pup cup when I go to Starbucks, and they’ll be no more trips to PetSmart on your behalf. I won’t get to bring you out throughout the day, and I won’t get to hear your excited barks when I return home.

You used to love watching me apply my makeup. You were my number one fan, my little senior citizen, and now you’re gone. The beat-up reading pillow where you used to sit is empty now, but I can’t bring myself to get rid of it.

I’ll never again know the feeling of your little paw grabbing my hand when I stop petting you. I won’t see your adorable face poking out from under the blankets again. I’ll no longer have to take my clothes back from you because you’re not there to lay on them anymore. I won’t get to brush your fur again or pet your ears.

You’re no longer here to ‘protect me’ when we go outside. I’ll never get to hear your bark again, or see you jump around excitedly when I mention snacks. I won’t get to experience you resting your head on me as we drift off to sleep.

The night you left me was one of the saddest nights I’ve ever experienced, and today feels empty. I called into work because I couldn’t stand the thought of coming home without you there to greet me. I won’t get to take you outside, or offer you treats like I usually do. I can’t tell you how much I love you or how much I miss you. I don’t get to apologize for working so much, or for the times when I forgot I promised you a movie night.

I know you would forgive me, but I can’t help but wonder if you were happy. Did I give you the best life I could? Was it the life you wanted? I think so, but now that you’re gone, I keep focusing on the times when I was busy or stressed and didn’t give you as much attention as I should have. You were always there for me, and I hope I was there for you, too.

I miss you, more than I can ever put into words, but I know you wouldn’t want me to be sad. You’re at peace now, and you’d want me to go on with my life without you until we meet again. I know you’d want me to heal and move on. You might even encourage me to get another dog so that they could experience the love you felt, but I’m not ready yet. I don’t think I will be for a long time.

To most people, you were just a dog, but you were my best friend, and you meant the world to me. The mornings are going to be difficult because I will miss you every day. I used to spend that time with you, and now I feel your absence instead. I wish I could have had more time with you, but I will always cherish the time we had.

Sayu, you were the best dog, and although I feel sadness at your passing, I wouldn’t trade the time we spent together for anything. I’ll always miss you, but one day the pain will fade and I’ll be able to look back at those memories without feeling sad.